There is a pervasive message in our culture that is saying “stay positive”, “think positive”, shift your mindset to be more positive and everything will be AWESOME!
Those that know me, know that I do have a positive mindset, but I did not, I repeat, I DID NOT, get there by being positive all the flipping time.
Let me tell you a little story about these three geniuses above:
My boys were 7,4 and 2 years old when my mom was dying. This grief experience would become the greatest gift that our family has been given! Plus, isn’t it amazing to know that we all having the incredible Nana waiting for us in heaven. When we were given this gift of grief, I spoke with my counselor, a tremendous amount, about how we grieve as human beings She taught me, and my children showed me, that the very best grievers are actually children. What they do is feel things very deeply, stay in each moment and move in and out of grief very quickly. This was exactly our experience. They would see or remember something from Nana, wham, the tears would come. Then they would see their favourite LEGO and wham, they are smiling and playing again. My counselor taught me that the best thing I could do for them, and myself, was to sit with them in their grief, feel things with them and wait for them to shift or helps them slowing shift after being present with them. Rarely, did I need to do anything but merely sit and be present with them.
Imagine this same grief journey, if I constantly put on a positive face, ignored their feelings and told them to be positive. “Just be positive” said over and over and over again. In a child’s world, this would be completely invalidating their feelings and not give them the permission to feel or grieve. I wonder what counselling they would need later in life to get over not feeling the feelings they had during this time?
This year is going to be our fifth Christmas without my marvellous mama and I must admit that I have become an expert at negotiating grief. I sit with myself. I feel things deeply and then gently move myself when I know I am ready. I cried in the pool this morning while swimming lengths. I feel the feelings, I let the tears flow.
I am blessed because I can now see and sense this grief process working in others and I easily give them space to move through the process. We do this often with relationships, situations, and even with our food. I can see people giving themselves lashes for not being positive enough or at all. I can see people trying so hard.
This brings me back to the positive rah rah that is overpowering our culture. I WANT TO BE A PERMISSION BEARER. As I observe and grow a business in this culture of a constant positivity, my message has clearly become “keep sh*t real”. The more honest my customers can be with me, the more I can walk with them. The more we can sit with each other in the real sh*t that exists in this world, the more we can move each other into positive places. We have to sit together, listen together and then move!
Feel the feels.
Sit in them.
Then look, seek and find solutions and that positive place.
When you look around and feel like sh*t because you aren’t positive enough, pretty enough, doing enough or…. <insert what it is for you here>… keep it real and sit with your sh*t. And realise that when I look around and see the pervasive positivism overwhelming my feed, it’s usually being put out into the world by men, young couples or empty nesters. You don’t often seen mom’s waking up to puking kids or having to put every single thing they had planned that day on hold because of a child with a fever, spewing the positivity message 24/7.
It’s about keeping sh*t real. Finding a way to keep taking one step forward every day towards where you want to go. Surrounding yourself with people who will cheer you on and be positive even when you have spit up on your shoulder and haven’t combed your hair. Find that tribe that keep things real and can be positive when you can’t be.
If you aren’t feeling that you are good enough, positive enough or that you are doing enough, STOP that sh*t. Remember my lessons from grief that my boys taught me.
God has given you many talents that you may not be able to see right now.
God is taking you through a season that is going to give you great strength.
God is going to reveal everything to you in EXACTLY the right time.
BUT, life isn’t always okay, amazing or incredible.
But you “Cann”:
Always hold hope.
Always brings peace.
Always hold love.
Always keep sh*t real.
Even when the positivity police try to overtake you.
Learn from my greatest teachers, my boys, in this upcoming season.
As I sit watching the sunset, I ponder that ‘something’ I search for. That ‘something’ that will fill feelings of grief, sadness and overwhelm.
That space that I try to fill every time I open my phone to check Facebook.
The hole I avoid when I run away from what I am feeling.
The darkness I turn from every time I sit in numbness, not wanting to feel, not wanting to go down old trodden paths of pain.
But sometimes life doesn’t give us a chance to avoid.
It allows us the privilege to sit up, to notice, to see our grief journey clearly and how much pain we have turned into gratitude.
This search for something that is really nothing outside of us at all.
We can’t avoid living life and why would we want to.
The privilege to be with our people, to see into the eyes of their souls and to get to know them on a deeper level.
Yes, Facebook could do that.
Walking away could help us reflect.
And that darkness I talked about, well, that only helps us see the brightness of the light.
See, I have learned to let go of my sense of judgement as things are neither good nor bad, they just are. I have also learned to be present with what I am feeling, as these feelings are neither good nor bad, as well, they just are!
So, as you search for that ‘something’ today may you first look within your soul, your beautiful unique self sitting within you. Resting in your spirit.
Then may you look around you at those imperfectly perfect people around you. Building Knex, asking about the birds and the bees, reading books, playing with pillows… are what my people are currently doing.
Search for that something that is already within you.
Neither good nor bad.
Full of strength.
Overflowing with hope.
Sitting in the presence of His peace.
Knowing you are loved.
Searching for nothing.
*written for a special person in our life on this significant ‘something’ kind of day!
Hopelessness is a paralyzingly dis-ease. I have felt it in the core of my being, the deep down dusty place that seems hard to reach. Hopeless that circumstances will change. Hopeless knowing death brings physical disconnection. Hopeless knowing that I may no longer be the same.
But, I stand and lie down today knowing that this did-ease called hopelessness can be overcome. Our circumstance we absolutely cannot control, even though I thought I could, BUT we can control our conclusions about these circumstances.
One wintery day, only two months after my mom died, I make a conclusion that only great goodness would come from the gift of grief I received from her death. I decided that I would live in a negativity fast and a positivity feast, as Steve and Wendy Backlund describe it. Guess what happened? The last three years have been a walk in greatness. I have found my passion that melds my teaching brain, coaching mindset and mother’s heart. I have found my meaning and my passion for how I can be a permission for hope no matter your circumstances. Through great nutrition, an ever growing mindset and being able to learn new truths about myself every day through the circumstances around me, I have found hope and freedom!
Aren’t you, like me, hoping that some person, thing or event will come along to give you the final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don’t you often hope: “May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire.” But as long as you’re waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burned out. This is the way to spiritual death.
Well, you and I don’t have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before her parents, teachers, spouses, children and friends loved or wounded us. That’s the truth of our lives. That’s the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That’s the truth spoken by the voice that says, “You are my Beloved.”
These beautiful words are from the book called ‘Life of the Beloved’ by Henri JM Nouwen. This is an author that my counselor recommended that I begin reading. His books have tremendously blessed me. And today my prayer for myself, my dear family, my friends and every person that reads these words today would know that they are God’s Beloved.
With individual DNA.
Chosen by God.
All creation shouts His name.
May this fall season encourage us all to see with our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits that we are uniquely His BELOVED.
I am continually amazed by my children’s insight and childlike faith. I have discovered a deep understanding of the meaning when God asks us to have ‘faith like a child’.
Last night, I shared about the storm that exists for me in my rowboat of grief. I choose to show my grief to Sexy Neck, a few close friends and privately in my laundry room. I don’t expect my children to heal me, distract me or provide for my emotional well being. I sit with them in their grief but don’t expect them to sit with me in mine. But I am always surprised at how God uses them to teach me.
After I wrote yesterday’s blog post, the boys came to get Sexy Neck and I to watch a show. Wasn’t I surprised when I saw three chairs waiting for the ‘Up and Down’ show. The boys seated us and exclaimed as they pointed to the middle chair, “This one is for Nana!” Nana always loved watching the boys shows, school performances and activities.