Monthly Archives: October 2016

author, blogger, cancer, Grief

Be Walking out your Grief 

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It is such a privilege to walk with someone and hear their story about living through the death of their precious mama.  

This is a treasure. 

It is an incredible gift to hear how someone is truly feeling about their life on any given day because of packed scheduled, presentations, or sleepless nights. 

This is rich.  

It is profound to get to know so many people negotiating grief while experiencing divorce, death, dog bites, loss of jobs, moving… The list is endless.  

This grief journey is priceless. 

I am blessed to be having these deep conversations on a daily basis now that I have been sitting in my own gift of grief. 


I am now learning to walk it out.  

Honesty, most days I still want to hide.  

I am broken inside. 

I am softer and more affected by life.  

My heart leaks out of my eyes at unexpected moments, like today when beautiful Crystal told me she was proud of me.  

I want to lie on my laundry room floor and pray and wonder and ponder and rest.  

But, I know I need to walk it out. 

My lying down days are gone.  

I have lying down moments, like today in Superstore, which I still really enjoy. They no longer need to humble me for the whole day. 

I get out and walk. 

I talk. 

I swim. 

I write and play with words.  

I run. 

And I talk to people, lots of them because I love people.  

I bike.  

I workout.  

I do this to keep working things out. 

My body moves. 

My relationships grow. 

My minds ponders.  

My gift of grief keeps unpacking itself.  

Into this deep place where I am now able to have the privilege to walk with others.  

In their grief.  

On their own personal journey.  

Walking it out.  

What a blessing. 

I am blessed.  

I am enough. 

Each breathe. 

Each day.  

I am enough.  

author, encouragement, Grief, Uncategorized, writing

Be Working Out to Work Things Out 

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It was snowing this morning when I woke up. 🌨

Large. 

Fluffy. 

Snowflakes.  ❄️

It was cold. 

I lifted my head off the warm pillow, put on my work out clothes and headed out the door. 

Gloves and toques on. 

(Sidenote: sending love to Joan and Christina this morning💜) 

And then I ran.  

On the road, around the trails, under the ski lift.  

I ran to work things out this Thanksgiving weekend. 🍗

I work out as much for my body as for my mind. 

I have encountered grief many times in my life through friendships lost, moving, injuries, and the loss of my beautiful mama. 

I have watched people journey through grief during the process of divorce, their children aging, losing a job, gaining weight, not getting a contract and even not meeting a business goal.  

Grief is a daily journey.  It is a daily gift to take us to a deeper place as human beings. 

Awake.  

Feeling. 

Beings. 

In this grief that I have felt and witnessed through others, I see that we have FOUR choices, daily, sometimes moment by moment choices: 

1. First, we can numb ourselves with an outside substances or activity.  I tried nightly alcoholic drinks for awhile after my mom died, my greatest grief journey, but this just numbed me even more, so now I rarely drink.  If what you are doing is not allowing you to feel, then consider taking a break from the substance or activity.  I take rest days now in my workout weeks, thank you Coach Garry.  This has helped me tremendously as I choose not to numb. The greatest gift we have is to feel.  

2. Create a life of busyness and be a human doing is a second choice that I had to ponder and overcome.   This perpetual busyness allows us to keep going, feeling productive, going through the motions, but not living as a human being.  This “get ‘r done” girl knows this one well. I now purposely take time throughout my day to pray, meditate and be. It is important to feel as we live with grief. 


3. A third choice would be putting our ‘stuff’ onto other people.   We need to be 100% owners of our grief journey.  No two peoples will look the same.  We can walk side-by-side momentarily with people, but we won’t always walk together for long.  The feelings and thoughts that grief unfolds is as unique as each individual person.  Be gentle with yourself.  Be gentle with others.   Anger showered towards other people is an energy suck.  Bless and release.  Thoughts about others journeys is pointless.  Bless and release.  Telling others how it will be is a lie.  No one knows what grief will unfold for people. Who knew I would become a triathlete author who loves loves loves helping people be their healthiest selves through a nutritional system I discovered one November day at boot camp? We can only share where we are coming from and then allow other grief journeyers choose what will fit for them.  

4. We have one more choice, that I see on this journey. Sit, lie, walk, workout and stand in our grief.  Feeling it deeply with gentleness. Allowing ourselves to go to a deeper emotional place in whatever ‘position’ helps you grieve.  

My laundry room is my sanctuary.  This is where I lie. A place where I can be alone and lie on the floor, feeling my emotions. I lay there yesterday, crying, feeling, thinking and shifting.  I reached out to a divine-inspired friend, shared my heart, felt, prayed and then shifted my state.  

This morning, I ran. I worked out to give my mind time to churn. Space to think about my mom who always created magical holiday memories.   Time to be in nature and allow myself to feel.  

And now I stand.  I am ready to celebrate this magical thanksgiving weekend with my boys.  I have proactively processed and know I can react to anything that comes my way. 


Numbing. 

Busyness. 

Owning. 

Feeling. 

Our grief. 

Our feelings. 

Our journeys. 

Walking alongside those fellow awake, heartfelt people.  

Keep going my beautiful friends. 

Working out to work things out.  

You are not alone.  

author, blogger, Grief, Uncategorized

Be Living In Between 

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⚡️I had always thought that if you worked hard enough, you will get where you want to go.   Magically, everything would just all fall into place.  Nope I am still living “in between”. 

⚡️I had always thought there was a magic wand where “poof” healing would come after my mom had died and all would be well.  But all isn’t well. I feel things incredible deeply when I find out a friend’s mom has cancer or a preschool friend has cancer or a surgeon treats a friend poorly, just like what happened to my mom.  Sometime “in between” just sucks.  

⚡️I had always thought that if I did ‘my work’, communicated kindly and directly that all would be well.  I thought my relationships would flourish and we would all sing “kombiya” together.   I have some relationships with my family of origin that I couldn’t even consider “in between”, they are non-existent.  

⚡️I had always thought that if I reached certain goals in my life that all would be well.  I envisioned that life would be more fun and that there would be an ease or flow to it.  I have reached those goals, but I still sit “in between” as those goals have now changed.  


THIS I NOW KNOW FOR SURE… 

✨ I am “doing less” throughout my days, but I have never experienced so many more incredible opportunities coming into my life. These “in between” places are BEAUTIFUL.    I have more quiet times, more moments of “no coincidences” where I have to lie down and less ‘busyness’.

✨ My healing is a journey not a destination to be tackled. Actually, I don’t even know where my healing journey is going to take me next! Being “in between” the healing journey creates MIRACLES.   It has deepened my relationships, helped me focus on what’s important and allowed me the privilege to see into the beautiful hearts of women like Heather, whom I met today.  

✨ Relationships are like a game of baseball, each person needs to be willing to catch the ball.  I have been playing a ton of catch with my “people’s” back to me.  Imagine a baseball game looking like that?  You can only apologize so much, talk so much, and try to get someone to play for so long.  “In between” relationships are RAD because they mean I am REALLY free to be me.  

✨ It is truly each moment that makes life sweet…moment after moment.   Every day I love savouring the weather, the age of my boys, the laughter at myself when things go wrong, the watching as our dreams unfold.  Step by step, one lunch box making, wrestling match breaking, toy taking and sheer joy making day at a time.  “In between” is a SWEET place to be. 

Life is powerful when we are awake to the processes “in between” 

To the beauty and spaces that surrounds us every day.  

To people’s eyes. 

To people’s stories.  

To the sheer grandeur of the non-coincidences that unfold before me.  

The presence of God. 

Doing less. 

Being more. 

Healing and… 

Being broken. 

Playing catch. 

Facing forward. 

Leaning in. 

Moment by moment. 

In between. 

Awake. 

Savouring. 

Tasting.  

Enjoying.    

Knowing for sure that RIGHT NOW… 

I am ENOUGH! 

Living “in between”