Tag Archives: healing

Be Living In Between 

⚡️I had always thought that if you worked hard enough, you will get where you want to go.   Magically, everything would just all fall into place.  Nope I am still living “in between”. 

⚡️I had always thought there was a magic wand where “poof” healing would come after my mom had died and all would be well.  But all isn’t well. I feel things incredible deeply when I find out a friend’s mom has cancer or a preschool friend has cancer or a surgeon treats a friend poorly, just like what happened to my mom.  Sometime “in between” just sucks.  

⚡️I had always thought that if I did ‘my work’, communicated kindly and directly that all would be well.  I thought my relationships would flourish and we would all sing “kombiya” together.   I have some relationships with my family of origin that I couldn’t even consider “in between”, they are non-existent.  

⚡️I had always thought that if I reached certain goals in my life that all would be well.  I envisioned that life would be more fun and that there would be an ease or flow to it.  I have reached those goals, but I still sit “in between” as those goals have now changed.  


THIS I NOW KNOW FOR SURE… 

✨ I am “doing less” throughout my days, but I have never experienced so many more incredible opportunities coming into my life. These “in between” places are BEAUTIFUL.    I have more quiet times, more moments of “no coincidences” where I have to lie down and less ‘busyness’.

✨ My healing is a journey not a destination to be tackled. Actually, I don’t even know where my healing journey is going to take me next! Being “in between” the healing journey creates MIRACLES.   It has deepened my relationships, helped me focus on what’s important and allowed me the privilege to see into the beautiful hearts of women like Heather, whom I met today.  

✨ Relationships are like a game of baseball, each person needs to be willing to catch the ball.  I have been playing a ton of catch with my “people’s” back to me.  Imagine a baseball game looking like that?  You can only apologize so much, talk so much, and try to get someone to play for so long.  “In between” relationships are RAD because they mean I am REALLY free to be me.  

✨ It is truly each moment that makes life sweet…moment after moment.   Every day I love savouring the weather, the age of my boys, the laughter at myself when things go wrong, the watching as our dreams unfold.  Step by step, one lunch box making, wrestling match breaking, toy taking and sheer joy making day at a time.  “In between” is a SWEET place to be. 

Life is powerful when we are awake to the processes “in between” 

To the beauty and spaces that surrounds us every day.  

To people’s eyes. 

To people’s stories.  

To the sheer grandeur of the non-coincidences that unfold before me.  

The presence of God. 

Doing less. 

Being more. 

Healing and… 

Being broken. 

Playing catch. 

Facing forward. 

Leaning in. 

Moment by moment. 

In between. 

Awake. 

Savouring. 

Tasting.  

Enjoying.    

Knowing for sure that RIGHT NOW… 

I am ENOUGH! 

Living “in between” 

Be Pondering String, Puppies and a Lion 

Lying on the ground. 

In silence. 

In peace.  

Tangled woven fabric all around me, across my face circling my body. 

Standing arms flailing. 

A puppy, playfully pulling around, like he’s chasing his tail, helping me unravel. 

Around. 

And around. 

The puppet strings are cut. 

I no longer need to wrestle or perform. 

I can be. 

Me. 

  
A lion walks beside me. 

He smells like heaven. 

Lush and green. 

Warm and luscious. 

We are walking freely.  

Together. 

Alone.  

In peace. 

Enough. 

Enuf. 

Nuf said. 

Giggle. 

Giggle. 

Giggle. 

(Thank you to lovely Linda for helping me be and amazing Ang for the inspiration! Glory!) 

Be Gobsmacked

Gobsmacked.

Flat on my face in awe.

Humbled.

Grateful.

Watching God’s miracles (coincidences) on a daily basis.

Living the presence of God.

This week, a friend was healed from months of pain in her foot. God’s touch healed her.  In one moment her pain was gone.  I have never experienced anything like this before in my life!

On Thursday, I took out a jacket that I bought for my mom last autumn to bring her warmth and comfort as her body shrunk during chemotherapy. I placed this jacket over my shoulders and I was overwhelmed that this beautiful jacket fits me.

20140914-102410-37450382.jpg How is this possible?

Last night, Sexy Neck told me that he wanted to keep a few large blue Tupperware bins that I was going to give away. I unpacked each of these bins. One of them had 0 to 3 month old boys clothing and at the bottom of the bin, I found a ring Steve bought me for our fifth anniversary that I lost SEVEN YEARS AGO! I am grateful Steve asked me to keep the bins.

20140914-102704-37624893.jpgThis beautiful ring now sits back upon my finger. I am amazed at God’s goodness. I grieved losing this ring when my oldest was a newborn.

And now this morning…

Often I leave colouring or activity sheets or notes for my boys on the table when they wake up in the morning.

This is the sheet I picked out for OC.

20140914-110136-39696010.jpg
Notice the scripture on the bottom of his colouring sheet?

As OC was colouring his sheet, I opened my bible to look up some scripture on a 40 day challenge I am doing from Igniting Hope Ministries. If you are curious, here is the website.
Anyways, I open my bible to look up the scripture I was wondering about AND IT IS THE SAME SCRIPTURE THAT IS ON OC’S SHEET! I had to underline this word in my bible.

20140914-134533-49533375.jpg
Flat on my face.

Wondrous God.

Gobsmacked.

Can’t think of a better word.

Be Before and After At the Wall (orange wall)

There is a sacred place in Jerusalem called the Wailing Wall or Western Wall. This wall is believed to have been part of the Temple of Solomon. Checkout 1 Kings 6 and 2 Chronicles 3 in the bible for more insight.

As I have been painting our living room wall orange, I have been pondering the Wailing Wall. This is a sacred place for Jews to go to pray and lament. My personal orange ‘wailing wall’ has been a place where I pray and lament.

I pray:
⭐️ May this home be a sanctuary.
⭐️ Help me Jesus!
⭐️ Lord, be enough for me this day.
⭐️ Help me ‘understand’ why I want to stuff my mouth with food.
⭐️ Lord, be with each of my boys. Be present to them.
⭐️Help me put one foot in front of another when all I want to do is lie under my duvet.

And I lament, oh how my heart grieves so many things:
💔 Our best friends moving to Vancouver Island last March.
💔 Moving from our ‘hood’ on 29th Crescent in May.
💔 Mom starting to show she is unwell in June.
💔 Saying goodbye to friends popping over and being ‘known’.
💔 Moving to a new city and neighbourhood in July.
💔 Mom being in the hospital and beginning her journey with cancer.
💔 Starting new activities and schools for the boys in September.
💔 Riding the cancer wave with mom and dad all autumn.
💔 Mom’s final hospital and hospice time in December.
💔 Mom’s death on Boxing Day.
💔 Broken relationships are finally exposed. (My sensitive soul is actually more relieved than grieving this one!)
💔 Living each day without my mom.
💔 Watching my dad, Steve and the boys grieve.
💔 Existing in a world without my mom a phone call away, without her popping by, without her listening ear, without her presence, without her hugs.

20140217-131155.jpgBEFORE

I pray.

I lament.

I grieve.

I choose.

To paint.

20140217-131205.jpgAFTER

Sanctuary.

Sanctified.

Peace.

20140217-131318.jpg
I can survive!

I am full of gratitude for my boys!

I sit in the desert.

I wait.

I rely on my blessed friends.

I look for how God will bring me out of this.

I believe.

I rest.

I WAIT AT THE WALL.

If you need me, you know where I will be!

Be In the Light In The Darkness

On Sunday night, I drove in tears to the hospital with the full moon as my guide. Even though I wanted desperately to see how my mom was doing, I stopped by the side of the road to admire the beautiful full moon.

20131120-125647.jpg

Today, I had the extreme privilege of driving mom home from the hospital in the beautiful full sun.

20131120-125936.jpg

It was an excruciating week, but one where God’s light was so evident.
– we ended up back on the Women’s and Children’s hospital ward. Mom knew all the nurses but one.
– Dr. Daniels is back on mom’s case as her gynocologist. She hasn’t gone on maternity leave yet so we are grateful.
– Mom finally got her diagnosis yesterday. It is stage 3 ovarian.
– my sister, M, was here for a visit on the weekend and was instrumental in getting mom to the hospital. She is a force! She was able to stay until late Monday night.
– Mom had a blood transfusion while she was in the hospital and is getting stronger.
– Mom’s pain is finally under control
– Mom does not have an infection from the surgery
– Mom is eating

As I reflect on these past four days, I am amazed at how I have seen God working. On Sunday morning, I felt God gave me a new word to explore. Can you guess the word? Light! We also started a new bedtime prayer (Genesis1:16)with the boys: God made two great lights–the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.

Do you see a theme? I love how God works. I am holding onto His light because this sure is a dark and painful time for my mama, my family and our friends.

Mom on Sunday:

20131120-132351.jpg

Mom today:

20131120-132430.jpg

20131120-132440.jpg
Mom is suppose to have chemotherapy #4 on Monday. We will see what unfolds! In His hands we rest and wait.

Be Let Loose From the Hospital

Mom was discharged from the hospital this morning. She checked off all the boxes on the list:
– no more oxygen
– oral pain medication
– pee
– poo
– walking around
– eating

How are you doing with these today?

I am realizing on my own healing journey that I need my mind to check in with my body. I have one strong, stubborn, determined mind!

Mom is safely tucked into her hotel room for the next few days. They hope to make the four hundred and forty kilometre trek home on Monday.

Rest well mom! Heal well. May God continue to hold you in the palm of His hand.

20131102-113754.jpg

Be Going for a Walk

I have managed to gain over twenty pounds in the last three months. Quite a feat as this is approximately how much I gained during my nine months of pregnancy. And no I am not pregnant this time around for those wondering folks.

I am happy to say that mom’s weight has stabilized in the last two days. She also ate pizza with us tonight. We had to replace the tomato sauce with pesto and she gobbled it all up. (Tomato is hard on her mouth, esophagus, stomach.)

After dinner, mom rested while we played downstairs. Then JC convinced Nana to go out for a walk. No sooner did I have my shoes on then mom and JC were at the end of the road and into the field overlooking the lake.

Beautiful.
Peaceful.
Incredibly inspiring.
Going for a walk.

20130913-211438.jpg

Papa and his OC.

20130913-211448.jpg

Did we hear a snake? Nope just a quail.

20130913-211500.jpg

Super fast CC is hard to get a photo of these days.

20130913-211507.jpg

Now, if my mom can get off the couch to go for a walk, I know that I can at least do that as well. Thanks for the continual inspiration mom.