Tag Archives: soul

Be Searching for Something 

As I sit watching the sunset, I ponder that ‘something’ I search for.   That ‘something’ that will fill feelings of grief, sadness and overwhelm.  

That space that I try to fill every time I open my phone to check Facebook. 

The hole I avoid when I run away from what I am feeling.  

The darkness I turn from every time I sit in numbness, not wanting to feel, not wanting to go down old trodden paths of pain.

But sometimes life doesn’t give us a chance to avoid.  

It allows us the privilege to sit up, to notice, to see our grief journey clearly and how much pain we have turned into gratitude.  

This search for something that is really nothing outside of us at all. 

We can’t avoid living life and why would we want to. 

The privilege to be with our people, to see into the eyes of their souls and to get to know them on a deeper level. 

Yes, Facebook could do that. 

Walking away could help us reflect. 

And that darkness I talked about, well, that only helps us see the brightness of the light.  

See, I have learned to let go of my sense of judgement as things are neither good nor bad, they just are.  I have also learned to be present with what I am feeling, as these feelings are neither good nor bad, as well, they just are! 


So, as you search for that ‘something’ today may you first look within your soul, your beautiful unique self sitting within you.  Resting in your spirit.  

Being you! 

Then may you look around you at those imperfectly perfect people around you. Building Knex, asking about the birds and the bees, reading books, playing with pillows… are what my people are currently doing. 

Being them! 


Search for that something that is already within you. 

Beautiful.  

Imperfectly perfect. 

Neither good nor bad. 

Just being. 

Full of strength.  

Overflowing with hope.  

Sitting in the presence of His peace.  

Knowing you are loved.  

Searching for nothing. 

Found! 

*written for a special person in our life on this significant ‘something’ kind of day! 

Be Running Two Programs

My computer has been getting awfully slow.

Painfully.

Mindnumbing.

Slow.

I sit and wait and then I realized that there was another program running behind the program that I was trying to use.

So very frustrating.

But I sit.

I slow down.

I ponder.

HEY!!!!! 

This is exactly how I feel right now.

I am running two programs.

The first program I will call, “Daily Life”.

Making lunches.

Taking the boys here and there.

Saying hello to people in the drop-off at school.

Attending Christmas concerts.

IMG_7384[1]

Answering emails from friends.

Baking cookies.

Doing my work as a teacher.

Living “Daily Life”.

As Christmas approaches and the one year anniversary of the death of my beautiful Mama, I have a second program that is starting to take up more and more space in my body, soul and mind as I try to run the program “Daily Life”.

This program called “Grief” is similar to when mom first died.

It is painful.

Mindnumbing.

It is slowing me down.

I am remembering things from last year that I hadn’t before.

Conversations.

People visiting the hospital and hospice house.

I am feeling things deeply.

I am letting this “Grief” program do its thing.

As this background program runs it makes the “Daily Life” program slower, yet more meaningful.

I sit more.

I watch.

I ponder.

I have more patience.

I am kinder.

More loving.

I savour sunsets.

IMG_7385[1]

I am in awe more and teary more often.

Everything tastes better.

I feel things in “Daily Life” more deeply.

My life is rich with these two programs running.

Yes, I am tired.

But, I am living deeply.

Leaning into my Lord.

My Dada God.

My Personal Saviour.

He is my rock.

The ultimate Programmer who will bring purpose to my pain.

Meaning to my mess.

Wholeness to my broken heart.

He will redeem this hole that was created when my Mama went to heaven.

I love her deeply.

I miss her dearly.

I am blessed.

I am whole with my hole and my two programs running.

Thank you “Daily Life” and “Grief”.

What programs are you running today?

Be Living Beyond Expectations (Painting)

Who knew what these last twelve months would bring?

Surprise after surprise, both wonderful and heartbreaking.

My self-assessment twelve months ago would have used the descriptors: mom, wife, daughter, previous jock, teacher-on-leave, Vtown girl…

I no longer live in Vtown, nor think of myself as a teacher, neither do I have a living mother anymore… The fact that I am painting makes me lie of the floor.

I was introduced to watercolour painting by Herta at this retreat. Sexy Neck bought me a set of paints for my birthday in a month later.

My heart is full of gratitude for having the luxury to play with colour on beautiful watercolour paper. My boys love it and always join me. We paint quietly together often talking about cool new colour creation or telling each other what we can see.IMG_4842 IMG_4843 IMG_4844 IMG_4845 IMG_4846

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Creative.

Peace.

Soul care.

Colourful.

Uplifting.

Unexplainable.

A pure gift from God.

Beyond anything I ‘thought’ I could do.

Have you lived beyond your expectations today?
Two year old OC:
20140713-205821-75501386.jpg

 

 

Almost Five year old CC

20140713-205905-75545654.jpg

Seven year old JC’s paintings including a hairless one of me.

20140713-205951-75591554.jpg

20140713-205950-75590539.jpg

My paintings from my soul, feelings and things I see in God’s creation.

20140713-210824-76104258.jpg

 

20140713-210825-76105514.jpg

20140713-210823-76103101.jpg

20140713-210826-76106869.jpg

Expectations.

Chains or freedom.

Choosing freedom.

Living in the beyond.

Painting.

Playing.

Expressing.

Me!

Be Going to a Retreat by a Lake

Today, I left my brood of boys after our life shifting trip to Hawaii and spent eight hours at a healing prayer retreat for women.

Each woman had a beautiful opportunity to enjoy time with God while taking care of their soul through painting, massage, prayer or counselling.

I chose prayer counselling and watercolour painting as my soul care times as well I enjoyed time on my own walking and writing in my journal.

As I walk through my life, I continue to be amazed that when I stop or pause to notice God, He is ever-present in my life. I don’t think I shall ever cease to be amazed at the wondrous coincidences of God!

This morning, I started off with a cup of tea in this mug from Hawaii:

20140328-232422.jpg (That’s my new journal in the background from Sexy Neck, isn’t it cute?)

Next, a woman lead us in song with a UKELELE! How often do you see that here? But in Hawaii, I saw them in every store and heard one being played almost every day.

20140328-232652.jpg
Lastly, during my watercolour painting soul care session, I learned how to paint for the first time. I was playing with paint and created this:

20140328-232757.jpg
Which reminded me of my very favourite bridge in Haliewa on the North Shore. I paddle boarded under this bridge, saw turtles here, ate shaved iced beside it, walked over it multiple times and just stared at it. Is it possible to have a crush on a bridge?

Here is my lovely bridge:

20140328-233029.jpg
Which brings me to my first watercolour painting that I am not even afraid to share publicly.

20140328-233136.jpgOver my bridge towers a strong banyan tree representing Sexy Neck and on the sides you will see three growing palm trees for my boys.

Thankful for my painting teacher.

Thankful for God that I had this opportunity to try new things.

Every day is new.

His mercy and grace is real.

He weaves everything together for His good!

Healing.

Painting.

Wholeness.

Newness.

Noticing.

Peace.

20140328-233659.jpg
(Inspiration for my next painting.)

Be Driving In Between

That drive between the new city and our old town is truly spectacular.

20131124-180300.jpg
the sun sets off to my side as I’m heading south.

i can see deep blue green lakes and mountains near and far.

the purple sky, blue skies, the red skies, orange skies.

the orchards, the trees, the snow on the mountaintops.

BUT my soul is filled with anguish as I leave my mom, as I drive back to my ‘new’ life.

BUT my heart is with my mama, my mama in pain, my mama lying, my mama sick and unable to live her life.

My mama My mama My mama.

Life is such a dichotomy – beauty is all around me in all of God’s creation. I am amazed by the nature that I see surrounding me as I drive.

BUT my heart aches, my heart is broken, tears fall, big huge crocodile tears fall down my cheeks

BUT I pray and I hope and I sit in my pain in the presence of God’s beautiful creation amidst the pain.

Mom was in so much pain today that she couldn’t be touched. All she could handle was a quick kiss on the cheek by the boys. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and it was like I could feel the pain emanating from your body.

20131124-180342.jpg

20131124-180350.jpg
Peace Mama. Peace!