Tag Archives: sadness

Be Purple Footed

My heart is holey today.

I wish I could say it is holy.

The death of my mom is feeling large today.

Tears sit at the edge of my eyes.

My heart hurts.

I want to speak to my mom.

I have so many unanswered questions.

I feel an incredible sadness of her not ‘being’ in my everyday life.

It’s a deep purple heartfelt loss.

I choose, today, to slip on Mom’s soft purple Keen’s. (Mom always bought the best shoes and how fortunate am I that the shoes fit!)

One step at a time I tenderly walk through my day…

until…

A friend and her daughter excitedly point at my shoes.

She exclaims, “We have the same shoes! Let’s all wear them tomorrow!” Here they are in their beautiful purple shoes:

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Tomorrow, I won’t be wearing my purple Keen’s alone.

My heart aches a little less.

The hole in my heart feels smaller.

I sense God’s holy presence through the coincidence of purple shoes.

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Friday morning add-on:
Look what my A friend wore to school drop-off/work today:

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Pure awesomeness.

Friendship.

Solidarity.

In grief.

Thank you A, M and Sweet C!!

Be Creating a New Life (Painting again!)

I realized as I started painting YET ANOTHER item in our house tonight that my sole purpose of painting is to create new life.

Life without my mom a phone call away.

Life without my mom to negotiate schooling and my boys. Schools aren’t the best places for boys these days!

Life without my mom at our sides reading, laughing, cooking, exploring and painting.

I am not completely sure what this new life here in KCity is going to look like. My grief-filled emotional brain doesn’t know what to do in this new life.

So I paint.

I actually don’t really like painting and haven’t painted before.

BUT as I move my brush back and forth in silence tonight, I felt myself moving forward.

The sense of working out my grief.

Peeling off layers of grief as I add layers of paint.

Create new life in the things around me.

Waiting for God to unfold my new life around me in His perfect timing.

Being in my home.

Completely present with my children.

Changing poops.

Making cushion forts.

Playing cars.

Painting.

Resting.

Being.

One brush stroke at a time.

New life.

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(I finished the fireplace tonight and had some extra white paint. I attacked our bedside tables that have been in Sexy Neck’s family for many years and probably are older than us.)

….Stop me if I start painting the toilet….

Be Having Nothing to Give (choo choo!)

We are on a one way track to healing.

Chugging down the track, snotty horns a blaring into my Kleenex.

The rickety old train with its heavier than normal road.

Chugging along.

Not making a stop.

Not picking anything up.

Just chugging along.

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You want to get on this train?

Observe carefully.

Run along and jump.

This train can’t stop.

It may never start again.

This train wants to hide in the shed.

But with three wee train cars on the back, there ain’t no rest.

Weekends, the big handsome steam locomotive comes along to give us a pull.

But other than that we are stuck with the dirty, coal steam engine.

Chugging.

On the track.

Teary eyes forward.

Trying hard not to fall off.

Wow, this is one big hill.

“I think I Cann, I think I Cann!”

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Be Existing, Be Okay Today

I exist in a world I never knew nor imagined.

20140119-150216.jpgI ponder my mom’s depth of knowing, her presence in all our lives and her amazing Sunday dinners.

I wait for my mom to walk through door and say, “Hi Joanna!”

I wonder how did she die and really what the hell happened.

I think about snowflakes, butterflies and my mom’s final smile.

20140119-150228.jpgI talk to the people that know our story, my dad, my cousins, my close friends.

I walk away from my old ways, my old complaints, the things that no longer serve me.

I hide from sympathy. I hide from shallow words and frivolous complaints.

I sit still and rest. Feeling my body for the first time in many months.

I watch, I look for some sort of sign. A sign from heaven.

I hover, waiting to see what unfolds.

I know I will be okay today and that is enough!

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Be Driving In Between

That drive between the new city and our old town is truly spectacular.

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the sun sets off to my side as I’m heading south.

i can see deep blue green lakes and mountains near and far.

the purple sky, blue skies, the red skies, orange skies.

the orchards, the trees, the snow on the mountaintops.

BUT my soul is filled with anguish as I leave my mom, as I drive back to my ‘new’ life.

BUT my heart is with my mama, my mama in pain, my mama lying, my mama sick and unable to live her life.

My mama My mama My mama.

Life is such a dichotomy – beauty is all around me in all of God’s creation. I am amazed by the nature that I see surrounding me as I drive.

BUT my heart aches, my heart is broken, tears fall, big huge crocodile tears fall down my cheeks

BUT I pray and I hope and I sit in my pain in the presence of God’s beautiful creation amidst the pain.

Mom was in so much pain today that she couldn’t be touched. All she could handle was a quick kiss on the cheek by the boys. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and it was like I could feel the pain emanating from your body.

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Peace Mama. Peace!