Tag Archives: loss

Be. Be. Be.

Be present.

Be listening.

Be open.

What does a mom say when her two year old looks out the car window one Wednesday morning and suddenly yells, “I see Nana in heaven. On the mountain.”?

What do you do that same day when your middle son paints a picture of Nana in heaven? He’s painting her right now.

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And what do you think the next day when you have your oldest son’s friend over and she asks you to put on music and play “It’s a Small World”, my mom’s favourite ride at Disneyland?

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Be present.

Be Listening.

Be open.

I am grateful my children are so assured their beloved Nana is in heaven. I can’t even accept she has died.

I love that my children are so connected to their ever-present Nana that they think to paint her. I can barely look at her photos without being overcome with sadness.

I am blessed that there are so many signs on a daily basis that remind all of us of my mom’s love, kindness and who she was. She was a great human BEing.

Be.

Be.

Be.

Be Painting the Door Blue

Last week, I had white paint on my arm and a family friend that I don’t see very often asked, “Are you still painting?” Yes, last week it was a white shelf for our basement. This week it was our front door.

I paint when the boys nap or in the evening when they are asleep. I find these ‘down times’ are the hardest times to negotiate without my mom’s presence. The memories and sense of loss come often and quickly these last weeks.

I am still in the boat on the ocean of grief. The waves have been still and the sun on my face, but on the horizon I sense a storm brewing. One year ago was when I first started noticing mom wasn’t well. Last June, we were living with mom and dad as we renovated our house. They went to VCity to help my sister. They had a night away at The Hill spa, but all was not well with mom. She thought she had a bladder infection, but how could we know the path that we were heading down…

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So I paint.

I ponder.

I remember.

I keep moving.

Living.

Trying to make sense of a senseless time.

Holding tight to my faith.

My brush.

My day.

One step at a time.

When we lived in Vtown, we had a great intentional friend and neighbour who was very present in our daily lives. Here she is:

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Lizzie in her backyard with the boys.

She has the most beautiful blue door. It is stunning with a handmade stained glass window:

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I decided our front door needed a pick me up colour. Blue it is!

Before I painted the door I drew hearts for our family and every visitor that comes through the ‘threshold’ wishing us all the fruit of God’s spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.

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Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Kindness.

Goodness.

Faithfulness.

Self-control.

I pray that all these qualities roll over and through each of us this day no matter the colour of our door.

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Be Purple Footed

My heart is holey today.

I wish I could say it is holy.

The death of my mom is feeling large today.

Tears sit at the edge of my eyes.

My heart hurts.

I want to speak to my mom.

I have so many unanswered questions.

I feel an incredible sadness of her not ‘being’ in my everyday life.

It’s a deep purple heartfelt loss.

I choose, today, to slip on Mom’s soft purple Keen’s. (Mom always bought the best shoes and how fortunate am I that the shoes fit!)

One step at a time I tenderly walk through my day…

until…

A friend and her daughter excitedly point at my shoes.

She exclaims, “We have the same shoes! Let’s all wear them tomorrow!” Here they are in their beautiful purple shoes:

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Tomorrow, I won’t be wearing my purple Keen’s alone.

My heart aches a little less.

The hole in my heart feels smaller.

I sense God’s holy presence through the coincidence of purple shoes.

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Friday morning add-on:
Look what my A friend wore to school drop-off/work today:

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Pure awesomeness.

Friendship.

Solidarity.

In grief.

Thank you A, M and Sweet C!!