Tag Archives: love

Grief, writing

Be on a Threshold

January 15, 2015 Be Enough Leave a comment

How do you explain something with words that is just a feeling?

What do you say to describe a place where only you may be at?

I have been searching for weeks to describe this sense of where I am as I begin 2015.

Suddenly, as I read another woman’s story, it hit me:

“Threshold.”

A word to describe where I am at.

The best one that I can conjure up.

I am neither living in my past, nor do I feel that I am moving anywhere in the forward direction.

Sitting.

Holding still.

On a threshold.

For those that know me well, they know that holding still is not my forte.

Give me a list.

Tell me what needs to be “done”.

Ask me to organize.

I am your woman!

But not now.

Maybe not again.

My head is still fuzzy.

The grief I feel is deep and raw.

The hole my mom has left in my life is vast.

So I sit, peacefully in my home.

Happy on the ski hill.

Surrounded by love.

Glancing back.

Looking forward.

Just being.

On the threshold.

God, Grief

Be an Across the Street Neighbour

December 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I am walking upright.

In my comfy clothes.

Intentional about what I do.

Who’s paths I cross.

How much time I spend running around is limited.

I am quiet inside.

My grief is fatiguing.

Day after day, tears flow easily.

The depth of deep loss.

The beauty of great love.

Today, unexpectantly, I was ‘touched’ by two neighbours: L and J from Vtown and ‘Kind K’ from our new hood.

After school, I took the boys skating to the outdoor rink by the lake. It was
more like skate/swimming as it was ten degrees out. We had a great time. We were amazed when we saw these two faces stroll by:

Professional pumpkin carvers.

Across the street neighbours.

Card sharks.

Wine lovers.

Great friends.

Dearly missed neighbours.

After skating, I walked in our front door and immediately heard a knock on the door behind me. It was our new neighbour from across the street. She brought me these:

She lost her mom to cancer two years ago and she just wanted me to know she was thinking about us as we head into this Christmas season.

The power of neighbours.

The power of thought.

The power of being.

Being a neighbour, there is nothing like it!

I am grateful.

I am humbled.

I am hopeful.

cancer, Grief

Be Living in the Gift of Grief

November 6, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

Every day change occurs.

Inside and outside of myself.

Whether I like it or not.

Seasons change.

People change.

Decisions are made.

Babies are born.

People die.

I am not where I was or who I was a year ago even though I relive last year every day.

Surgery for mom.

Hospital trips.

Watching her in pain.

Watching her die and not even knowing it.

Now I know.

Now I see.

Now I feel.

The numbness is gone.

I live in unbearable pain every day.

Fatigue-inducing.

Gut-wrenching.

Leg-weakening.

Pain.

BUT….

I also live with unimaginable gratitude every day.

Life-embracing.

Life-giving.

God-loving.

Gratitude.

The gift of grief!

I soak in my book club women’s smiles, ideas, disagreements and laughter.

I slow down and look.

Really look.

The ability to see and feel the autumn leaves changing is a time to rejoice.

Being able to walk under a bright red umbrella of leaves makes me stop.
Listening to the scrunch, crunch, munch of leaves under three year old OC’s tires as he madly pedals his two wheel bike makes me smile and giggle.

And playing in the leaves with my boys is one of the sweetest moments in these last deep, dark weeks.

What will you notice today?

Who will you choose to spend your time with?

The gift of life!

Choice.

Noticing.

Relationships.

Grief.

Gratitude.

Life.

Grief

Be Searching for Dawn

October 11, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I start pedaling as the moon shines.

Darkness unfolds over me and through me.

The grief is vibrating throughout my being.

Tears come easily.

My heart literally aches.

I don’t know how to live another moment without my mom.

No recipe for grief.

No instruction manual or no expert that can tell you exactly what your journey will look like.

But I hold closely to my wise counselor’s words: just notice, don’t judge, just sit in it.

So I get on my bike and I sit.

Not responsible for anyone but myself and my grief.

Nowhere to go and no timeline to returned.

So I pedal and I wait.

I wait for dawn to break, hoping that my tears will be dried up by the time I need to return to my life, my beautiful life with my boys, and the wonderful people that surround me.
I see, now, that grief is no longer the end, it is simply the beginning.

An opportunity to shed unhealthy relationships.

A time to go within myself to look beyond the noise of the day-to-day stuff.

A new life to go deep inside my heart to realize how I want to spend my short time on this earth.

As I look south to where my dad grieves, where my dear friends live, I know that the darkness in grief is quickly lit up by the light of people that you deeply, deeply love.

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely grateful for every person who has walked through and beside me during this incredibly difficult and rich time.

My tears are now pouring out because of the gratitude that I feel. The sadness is replaced but not gone.

I think I will most likely live the rest of my life a humbled woman who misses her mom.

Kisses. Air hugs. High fives.

Off to attempt my first Thanksgiving dinner extravaganza. Now that would bring anyone to tears! Thank goodness for supportive Sexy Neck, helpful boys and old neighbours with sage advice.

Boys, God, Jesus Christ

Be Gobsmacked

September 14, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Gobsmacked.

Flat on my face in awe.

Humbled.

Grateful.

Watching God’s miracles (coincidences) on a daily basis.

Living the presence of God.

This week, a friend was healed from months of pain in her foot. God’s touch healed her. In one moment her pain was gone. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life!

On Thursday, I took out a jacket that I bought for my mom last autumn to bring her warmth and comfort as her body shrunk during chemotherapy. I placed this jacket over my shoulders and I was overwhelmed that this beautiful jacket fits me.

How is this possible?

Last night, Sexy Neck told me that he wanted to keep a few large blue Tupperware bins that I was going to give away. I unpacked each of these bins. One of them had 0 to 3 month old boys clothing and at the bottom of the bin, I found a ring Steve bought me for our fifth anniversary that I lost SEVEN YEARS AGO! I am grateful Steve asked me to keep the bins.

This beautiful ring now sits back upon my finger. I am amazed at God’s goodness. I grieved losing this ring when my oldest was a newborn.

And now this morning…

Often I leave colouring or activity sheets or notes for my boys on the table when they wake up in the morning.

This is the sheet I picked out for OC.

Notice the scripture on the bottom of his colouring sheet?

As OC was colouring his sheet, I opened my bible to look up some scripture on a 40 day challenge I am doing from Igniting Hope Ministries. If you are curious, here is the website.
Anyways, I open my bible to look up the scripture I was wondering about AND IT IS THE SAME SCRIPTURE THAT IS ON OC’S SHEET! I had to underline this word in my bible.

Flat on my face.

Wondrous God.

Gobsmacked.

Can’t think of a better word.

Boys, Grief

Be Golfing with Papa

May 27, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

My dad loves golf. Two eighteen holes of golf LOVES golfing.

Since his hockey playing days, golf has been a part of his “off-season” life.

In all of our grief, we are trying to meet our dear Papa right where he is at without nana at his side.

This afternoon we met him at the driving range.

Papa loves to teach!

CC (age 4) has been asking every day when he can go golfing with papa.

JC (age 7) loves to swing away.

OC (age 2) tried golf for the very first time. We think he might be a lefty like CC.

Ahhh, that feels better….

Golf.

Time.

Being where you are.

Quiet.

Focus.

One ball at a time.

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Auntie Gail

April 8, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

My mom’s sister arrived yesterday to come stay with us. Every since our oldest was born, a sure sign of spring is Auntie Gail arriving at my parents for a visit. We always looking forward to seeing her.

I have especially been grateful for her immediate willingness to come jump in with our brood of boys, her contagious laughter and depth of stories. She reminds me of my mom in so many ways – her love of her children, her thought for my children, working side-by-side with Sexy Neck drying the dishes and really just being willing to come along on our wild ride.

Auntie Gail.

Deep strength.

Huge heart.

Beautiful children.

Contagious laughter.

Here is Auntie Gail enjoying her first ever Japanese food dinner.

Auntie Gail getting settled in her room. The boys ‘helped’!

Beautiful butterfly cups she passed on to me.

Auntie Gail had us all laughing our heads off as she attempted to use the walkie talkie.

Auntie Gail brought beautiful drawing pencils and paper for the boys. They all spent many hours drawing together.

Auntie Gail read Happy Pig Day to OC while we watched CC’s gymnastics.

Auntie Gail watching our youngest at gymnastics. OC loved having her to wave up to. She watched with a big smile on her face. What a gift!

She helped us have a painting play date with friends.

We enjoyed an after dinner walk to the duck pond.

Side note:
I haven’t been back to CC’s gymnastics centre since my mom died. Five days before my mom went into the hospital in December and just over two weeks before my mom died, mom insisted that dad drive her 60 kilometres down the road so that she could watch CC and OC do gymnastics.

I knew my mom was in pain. She still insisted on getting her own blue folding chair, placing it right beside the window so that she could watch her grandsons participate in class.

She was in pain. She smiled and clapped for her grandsons.

She was stooped over but she sat up straighter every time her grandsons looked over.

Resiliency.

Love beyond comprehension.

Support.

Thank you mom. Thank you for being the most selfless Nana.

Thank you dad for supporting mom’s ideas.

Thank you Gail for passing on this loving support to my boys these days.

Boys, Construction, Family, Grief

Be Building a Maisonnette

February 24, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

What did you yearn to have in your childhood home?

A cozy place to snuggle and read?

A place to climb?

A home for your dolls and toys?

Since the day we moved into our house last summer, our boys have wanted to build a fort/Maisonnette under the stairs.

A perfect hideaway.

A clubhouse.

A special space.

My heart longs to create a healing home where we can rest. As last week unfolded, I knew our family needed a project for the weekend. I immediately thought of the fort. We must have hit the right moment as the construction gears were in motion on Friday night about ten seconds after I mentioned the fort.

JC and Sexy Neck came up with the design. I cleaned out my stuff from under the stairs. The boys found some wood and they were off.

Here is the finished product on Sunday night:

The boys want to put wood on the sides, add a rope ladder, paint, add a curtain for privacy, a bookshelf and a few more nicknacks will come and go.

The boys were incredible working with their dad. Sexy Neck was amazing at involving the boys every step of the way. The were able to measure and cut wood. Problem solve when the wood wouldn’t fit on the platform. The boys screwed in the floorboard, OC was a natural. Finally, they got to choose everything that they wanted in the fort.

Building self-esteem.

Handwork.

Creating.

Bodies and minds in motion.

Encouraging.

The boys Maisonnette designed and created by them.

Being.

Boys.

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"Be" ENOUGH