Tag Archives: Tears

author, Grief, Wordsmith

Be Bawling your Eyes Out (At the Gym)

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Who walks into their gym and bawls their eyes out?

Me!

Who sobs crocodile tears all over a dog?

Yup, that would be me again.

This week, I walked into the gym for a usual workout, it was squat day. I walked in carrying my shoes and water bottle and see the service dog that is often sitting on the mat by the bench waiting for his handler/trainer to finish her workout. I have never greeted the dog because I wasn’t sure if the dog was working or not. I saw the handler/trainer working out and asked if I could give her dog a little pet. She said, “Yes!”.

I proceeded to sit down and the dog looked me in the eye, like only dogs can do. Viola, tears start flowing, sobbing ensues and I am soaking the fur on the top of the dog’s head.

I did “get myself together” to do my workout, but I realize in hindsight, with a bit of a chuckle, that I probably needed that cry more than any workout!

The blessings of dogs.

Enjoy their soulful presence.

Their divine eyes.

Their knowing ways.

Their ever present love.

We are blessed to have had both our dogs for so long.

Family, Grief

Be an Overcomer

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There are some things in my life that bring me to a full sweaty mess.

There are many more things that bring me to my knees in a puddle of tears or a need to vomit.

Tonight it was tears.

I went back to Hospice House where my mom died, with dad at her side, on December 26th.

I felt a pull to go back, but also a humbling fear that brought me to tears. I knew that I needed to do this for myself. I knew I needed to overcome my overwhelming feelings of grief and love, despair and compassion that Hospice House brings up for me.

I drove my car north followed by a bright, clear moon and clean roads, as I did many times last fall visiting mom and dad.

I arrived at Hospice House.

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I entered the very familiar building and went to a chair to await the seminar about grief and the holidays. I tried not to look too hard, but it was the same.

Beautiful spaces

Christmas decorations

Warmth

Love

Healing

I sat. I cried. I listened to great strategies on Christmas in the midst of grief.

I wrote a card with my mom’s name on it and placed it on the memory tree.

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I had some juice and cookies and took a wander down the hall to room number eight.

Yup, it’s still there.

Yup, mom still isn’t.

Unless she’s now a man. A bald-headed one.

Nope, no mom here on earth.

A checked out the fish tank down the hall.

I walked back to the living room and put another name on the tree for my Auntie Gail. I remembered her putting her son, Michael, on the memory tree last Christmas. My cousin was killed in a motor vehicle accident many years ago. I put Michael’s tag on the tree and told him how much his mom loves him.

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And then I walked out.

An Overcomer of my emotions.

An Overcomer of fear.

An Overcomer of doing the hard stuff.

Overcome.

Overcame.

Overcomer.

Grief

Be Searching for Dawn

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I start pedaling as the moon shines.

Darkness unfolds over me and through me.

The grief is vibrating throughout my being.

Tears come easily.

My heart literally aches.

I don’t know how to live another moment without my mom.
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No recipe for grief.

No instruction manual or no expert that can tell you exactly what your journey will look like.

But I hold closely to my wise counselor’s words: just notice, don’t judge, just sit in it.

So I get on my bike and I sit.

Not responsible for anyone but myself and my grief.

Nowhere to go and no timeline to returned.

So I pedal and I wait.

I wait for dawn to break, hoping that my tears will be dried up by the time I need to return to my life, my beautiful life with my boys, and the wonderful people that surround me.IMG_6508.JPG
I see, now, that grief is no longer the end, it is simply the beginning.

An opportunity to shed unhealthy relationships.

A time to go within myself to look beyond the noise of the day-to-day stuff.

A new life to go deep inside my heart to realize how I want to spend my short time on this earth.

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As I look south to where my dad grieves, where my dear friends live, I know that the darkness in grief is quickly lit up by the light of people that you deeply, deeply love.

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely grateful for every person who has walked through and beside me during this incredibly difficult and rich time.

My tears are now pouring out because of the gratitude that I feel. The sadness is replaced but not gone.

I think I will most likely live the rest of my life a humbled woman who misses her mom.

Kisses. Air hugs. High fives.

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Off to attempt my first Thanksgiving dinner extravaganza. Now that would bring anyone to tears! Thank goodness for supportive Sexy Neck, helpful boys and old neighbours with sage advice.

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psychology

Be Teary

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I have shed a few days in the last seven days!

I went to a yoga class where I was the only student. I asked the teacher if it was okay if I went home. She responded, “I am here and let this be a gift to yourself!”. I cried because it was incredible to focus on my health with a personal class.

Today, I found out some great news about a very close friend: she’s moving! I can’t imagine not being happy for her and her family, but I am also teary because I will miss her in my daily life. There are so many things I will miss, but that is a post for another day.

Lastly, I am profoundly, pit of my stomach sad with tears in my eyes. My friend’s five year old daughter is in Kindergarten and two Mondays ago she was shown a video where a raven turned into a scary looking baby. She cried! Did the teacher turn off the video? NO! What is more important than a child’s tears?

This week, I am going to listen to my tears and connect to my inner child. I think children are more emotionally connected and I need to tap into that!