Tag Archives: grief

Be Off Track

I was a racehorse running a race on a track that I hadn’t signed up for.

Living the life that I thought was expected.

Trying hard to be ‘good” to all people, but myself.

I was running hard and fast.

I was constantly pushed around the track by the daily winds and the other horse and riders.

Feeling like I could never train enough, do enough or be enough to run the race.

IMG_4401[1]

One day my main cheerleader, my amazing listener, my main supporter, my incredible mama died.

This horse stopped dead in her tracks.

I chose to hit the pasture in the middle of the race course.

I made a decision to eat some of the best food on the planet right now.

I decided to rest with the other horses on the inside of the race course.

I stopped in my tracks.

I went off track!

Yup, that’s me in the middle of the race course hanging out, living out of this race called life.

I am off the track.

AND I FLIPPIN LOVE IT!

My expectations on myself and those I choose to be in relationship with are GONE!

My idea of what my life could look like has completely changed.

My time is precious, the greatest gift that I can share on this earth.

I am full of gratitude!

I am able to be myself.

Full of thoughts tumbling in my head and words pouring out of my fingers as a Wordsmith.

Energy radiating out of my being as I move through my day.

Love flowing from my heart for those I see living life around me and through the beautiful medium of Facebook.

Peace sitting within my being as I hold and allow myself to be imperfectly where I am.

Honest, authentic and often waaaaaaay to blunt for some people’s likings.

Yup, me hanging out off track!

AND DID I TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE IT?

Love a duck, I am the most fortunate woman in the world.

I have found my path in life, the way I am meant to wander.

IMG_4407[1]

Off track.

In the trees, like I am ten years old.

Playing in the powder with my boys.

Full of emotion, wet kisses and lots of hugs.

Having the time of my life as I play, make mistakes, learn and LIVE in all areas of my life!

I am alive!

Off track.

AND LOVING IT!

 

 

Be Celebrating Another Nana

This post has been percolating in my mind for many months.  Stewing, forming, mashing all up together in my head and within the deepest part of my heart.

How could I best pour out my words for another beautiful, vibrant, gardening Nana?

Tonight, I just decided to sit down and write.

Tonight, I am celebrating another Nana.

I remember one day after dropping JC off at school in Vtown, a very good friend of mine K walked up to me in the parking lot.  I am not sure where the little boys were, but K and I ended up standing in the parking lot and she shared her news.

Her beautiful mom, Wendy, was diagnosed with cancer and they didn’t think it could be cured.
WUMP!

If you know my friend K, you know both her mom and her dad.  Like my parents used to be, their lives were woven throughout the fabric of their grandchildren and children’s lives.  Nana Wendy was a Super Nana, just like my mom.

I didn’t know at the time, but K and I would walk similar journeys as grieving daughters and mom’s of young children as we watched our Super Nana’s and mom’s live and die with cancer.  My mom wouldn’t be diagnosed until many months later and would pass away two years before Nana Wendy.

On December, 29th, 2015, just two short months ago, I was able to be present and sit as K and her family celebrated Wendy’s life.  Ironically, it was two years to the day that we had celebrated my mom’s own life.

Wendy’s celebration of life was truly remarkable and not something that I soon will forget. Candles were lit.  K read a beautiful poem.  Her brother shared his mom’s life story and some humour to go along with it.  K’s daughter shared her heart.  Family and friends shared stories.  It was the most lighthearted, beautiful, inspiring, celebration of life I had seen.  I felt like I had the opportunity to sit with Wendy, getting to know her more through her family, while in her garden.

This moment reminded me about the depth of character, which we all have, that allows us to grieve deeply, yet celebrate a life.   This same depth allows us to smile at little children and be grateful for an unborn baby that K’s brother’s family was expecting, while feeling sadness about the loss.

Life is created in these beautiful seeming “opposing” moments, created by amazing families, like K’s!

It is about embracing all of lifes beauty at all times.

I am extremely humbled to call K my friend and to have journeyed this passage of time with her through cancer treatments, hospital stays, time in hospice and celebrating our moms lives and deaths.

With gratitude, I pour out these words.

With humbleness of heart for being able to watch this journey unfold.

With a great lump in my throat for the loss we both endure.

With sadness for our children that have lost their Super Nanas.

With love pouring out because of how our mom’s lived their lives.

To the max!

With laughter.

With a good book at their side.

A beautiful garden to tend to.

And a family that deeply misses their presence.

Hugs to our Nanas in heaven.

IMG_4072[1]

Be Leaving Slippers at the Door

My mom died just over two years ago.

Wump!

My dad has not been a part of our daily life in the last nine months.

Wump! Wump!

My life and the daily rhythm of my brood of boys has changed drastically over the last two years.  The two people that played such a significant part in their lives, are now gone.

Gone without understanding or knowing.

Disappeared from our presence but not from our thoughts or our hearts.

We cannot pretend to understand another’s grief.

We can only sit with them in acceptance for wherever they are.

We cannot judge.

We can only be.

Last Thursday, after much personal work with a beautiful counsellor, we decided to leave Papa’s slippers outside the door.

A symbol of welcoming.

In hopes that he will soon return.

To our daily life.

With his arms always loaded with fun things to do and great gifts to eat.

With his joyful laughter and silly stories.

Our door is always open to you Papa!

We don’t understand.

But we love!

With open hearts.

Open arms.

Open doors.

Your slippers are waiting Papa!

IMG_3709[1]

Be Giving Birth…

…to a book! 

  
I have given birth three times, twice at home and once at the hospital. All were beautiful labour-intensive moments that I would do again tomorrow.  They were all miracle moments after nine months of growth and preparation. 

And now after nine months, I am giving birth to a book baby.  Twins actually.  The first book will be birthed into the world sharing my inner journey through the gift of grief and then my outer journey book will be ‘pushed out’ shortly afterwards. 

Putting my thoughts into words involved early mornings, late nights, many uncomfortable moments and back pain from sitting in a chair.   It caused endless hours of introspection as I prepared to plunge my words into the vast unknown of Amazon and people paying to read my words.  

I know I am awaiting the time.  

I have prepared.  

I have pondered.  

I am ready to live my miracle moments. 

Knowing I am enough.  

I can be enough.  

Just being. 

Me.  

Giving birth to twin books. 

Be Sh*tty

Tonight, I sit and I ponder.

I stir things around.

In my mind.

In my spirit.

I allow the hamster wheel of thoughts go round and round.

I allow the thoughts to stop the wheel on “I feel sh*tty!”.

I am not one to swear, nor one to go towards the side of feeling sh*tty.

Tonight I do.

Feel.

Sh*tty.

I have a dear friend walking the same journey that I did two years ago.  After a hospital stay and doctors doing what they can to prolong life, my friend’s beautiful mama is going home to die.

I have one of my best peeps in KCity awaiting to see if she has cancer in her body.  She had a biopsy to have melanoma removed from her back last week.

I have a fellow volleyballers who’s servant-hearted Dad is living with Alzheimer’s.

There is a girl in the boys elementary school that starts life-saving, on your knees “hoping for a miracle” treatment for a brain tumour.  This sweet soul was also in Owen’s preschool last year.

My cousin is back in town from up north to have surgery, the second surgery in a few weeks.

And my three wee boys are under the weather.

So, what do I do?

I lean into the people who love me.

I spend time carving pumpkins.

I look at the beautiful autumn leaves.

I take a week off from my teaching job, to sit, to serve and to be.

An opportunity to be where I am.

Sitting with my feelings.

Feeling sh*tty.

With gratitude.

For all I can do.

All of my feelings.

Being a human being.

Be Editing a Book 

Have you done something that you find unbelievable? 

I live in ‘unbelievable’ right now on a daily basis.  

I have spent the last few months pouring my thoughts onto paper through mind maps, on the computer in paragraphs and through old journeys from when I was younger.  

And now I am editing these words. Pouring over them with my heart and mind.  I am ensuring that every words represents my message and would make my boys (and my mom) proud.  

I am very grateful for Sexy Neck who edits for me nightly, my plethora of friends who are waiting to walk with me as editors and those brave souls, Karen and Rick, who edited my introduction and conclusion already.  

I am not sure what form this book is going to take, but I do know that I love living in the ‘unbelievable’ realm.  

Living. 

Dreaming.  

Wondering.  

Pouring out.  

Getting poured into. 

Editing a book.  

 

Be Doing What You Don’t Normally Do

I never go to “The Mall”.

Sorry folks, this is just not a place that brings me energy nor life.

The fluorescent lights.

Air conditioning.

And all those choices.

Whew!

Not my thing!

BUT, today I decided to do what I don’t normally do.

I WENT TO THE MALL!

Yup, all six foot of me, walked in and through the mall for a whole ten minutes.

I had not idea what I was doing.

Until, I ran into these two:

IMG_2254[1]

Linda and Lil.  

Linda my good friend, mentor and Principal in Vtown.  And Lil, her friend from Saskatoon.

The craziest thing is that Linda is wearing a coat that my mom had given me as a teacher, that I had passed on to Linda when I gave birth to JC and didn’t think I would return to teaching.

My heart overflows.

My time with these two lovely women was amazing.

The reminder of my mom was a lovely moment.

Heartfelt.

Wonderful.

Women.

I think I may need to go to the mall more often.

Nah!  I think I just need to keep doing things I don’t normally do!

Be Wondering “What to Wear!” NO MORE!

Today is another epic day…. as I head into the second autumn season of life without my mom, I am stretching myself to do things I have never done and I am asking for a ton of help.

On my knees, humbled, baking cakes and asking for help.

Most people don’t know this, but my mom was the force behind my wardrobe for most of my life.  Every Christmas and birthday, I was very, very excited to see what my mom had picked out for me.  (Well, maybe I wasn’t so excited during those teen years!)  For the last two years, my wardrobe has been floundering a little bit.  When you open the bottom drawer of your dresser and wonder, “How did all those black yoga pants and tights get in there?”, you know that you need an intervention.   You know when Sexy Neck dawns the doors of Lulu to buy some undies, that things are getting a bitter tattered and worn.

images (3)

Today, I am getting a wardrobe intervention.

I have hired a professional!

A person who comes into your home.

Flings open the closet and dresser drawers.

And takes a close look at what is going on in there!

I have done a whole garbage truck full of inner work and now I am very humbled to have Michelle from “What to Wear” come to help me create a matching outside.   I want a suit of armour to wear as I venture into new realms of possibility and begin living my amazing dreams as an author, professional network marketer and present Mama, always and forever.  I am not sure how Michelle is going to get this six foot frame into something other than jeans, summer skirts and black yoga pants, but I am very open to see what she has in store.

Plus, I am excited to never have to ask “What to wear” again?

IMG_2176[1]

She even asked me to fill out a form ahead of time… you know that we are off to a great start because I do love my forms!

Be Slaying Cake Demons

Two years of buying cakes.  

Ice cream. 

Fondant. 

Chocolate.  

Vanilla. 

Cakes. 

Made by professionals.  

Two years ago was the first time that my boys did not have a birthday cake made by my mom.  

Elmo. 

Bert. 

Pirate.  

Digger.  

Cakes.  

Whatever the boys requested, my mom would lovingly and happily create.  

My boys most memorable birthday moments have been their cakes. 

Tonight, I slayed some cake demons.  Often the hardest things create the most freedom within us and around us.  

Tonight, I made my newly four year old’s request for a fire truck cake.  

Tears in my eyes.  

Heart racing.  

Knees trembling.  

Pink icing and all. 

(Who knew red icing was so hard to make?) 

I MADE A FIRE TRUCK CAKE! 

Soul cleansing.  

Mind moving.  

New habits.  

Overcoming.  

Triumphing. 

Cake making.  

Happy Birthday OC. 

(My mom’s namesake.) 

  
What hard stuff will you push through today?   What freedom will you create? 

Be Breakingdown to Breakthrough 

There is a great myth in this world that hard stuff is bad stuff. 
A myth that makes us perseverate on the bad and prohibits us from realizing the greater changes that could occur through this hard stuff. 

Like working out physically hard at the gym, our bodies are capable of great changes by adding resistance and effort to breakdown our muscles so they can be built up stronger.  

When dealing with the hard stuff that comes up in our life, our minds are capable of using these difficult times to create breakthrough and change our lives. 

This story is just surfacing to share and bring freedom that is created when a breakdown can create a breakthrough.  

Hindsight is 20/20 and there is nothing like watching death unfold to provide hindsight.  
Two months after my mom died, it was the season of winter, outside and inside my soul.  The cold had settled in.  It was dark.    
Two months after my mom died, I sat down and made a decision.  

Would I allow her life and death fill me with bitterness or anger or would incredible good come from a life well-lived?

I chose finding the greater good, trusting God’s goodness and greater plan.   It was an easy choice as a wise counsellor had been teaching me about not judging things as either good or bad, but just noticing them.   In this choice, I daily looked for good while still rowing my boat of grief in the waves of sadness.  Every day, great goodness kept unfolding in front of us.  

For this breakthrough moment in that cold, wintery day, I am incredibly grateful.  It has not only provided trips of our dreams, a business that uses all my gifts, amazing nutritional products to fuel our bodies, but an incredible opportunity to grow personally. 

  
With gratitude.  

For all we can do.  

For the ways we can be.  

With intention. 

With daily discipline. 

And grace.  

And humility from the lessons of life 

Breakdown creating breakthrough.