Tag Archives: God

cancer, Christianity, Grief

Be Running Two Programs

December 13, 2014 Be Enough 3 Comments

My computer has been getting awfully slow.

Painfully.

Mindnumbing.

Slow.

I sit and wait and then I realized that there was another program running behind the program that I was trying to use.

So very frustrating.

But I sit.

I slow down.

I ponder.

HEY!!!!!

This is exactly how I feel right now.

I am running two programs.

The first program I will call, “Daily Life”.

Making lunches.

Taking the boys here and there.

Saying hello to people in the drop-off at school.

Attending Christmas concerts.

Answering emails from friends.

Baking cookies.

Doing my work as a teacher.

Living “Daily Life”.

As Christmas approaches and the one year anniversary of the death of my beautiful Mama, I have a second program that is starting to take up more and more space in my body, soul and mind as I try to run the program “Daily Life”.

This program called “Grief” is similar to when mom first died.

It is painful.

Mindnumbing.

It is slowing me down.

I am remembering things from last year that I hadn’t before.

Conversations.

People visiting the hospital and hospice house.

I am feeling things deeply.

I am letting this “Grief” program do its thing.

As this background program runs it makes the “Daily Life” program slower, yet more meaningful.

I sit more.

I watch.

I ponder.

I have more patience.

I am kinder.

More loving.

I savour sunsets.

I am in awe more and teary more often.

Everything tastes better.

I feel things in “Daily Life” more deeply.

My life is rich with these two programs running.

Yes, I am tired.

But, I am living deeply.

Leaning into my Lord.

My Dada God.

My Personal Saviour.

He is my rock.

The ultimate Programmer who will bring purpose to my pain.

Meaning to my mess.

Wholeness to my broken heart.

He will redeem this hole that was created when my Mama went to heaven.

I love her deeply.

I miss her dearly.

I am blessed.

I am whole with my hole and my two programs running.

Thank you “Daily Life” and “Grief”.

What programs are you running today?

Family, Grief, writing

Be the Power of One

December 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

One word.

One email.

One step.

One blog comment.

One moment.

I am touched in this season by the power of the people around me.

The thoughtfulness of the people around me.

The consistent encouraging comments by Levi on my blog showing me God’s love.

The great communication from friends from afar helping me feel connected.

The cookies dropped off at my door helped feed my brood of boys a special snack.

The incredible emails I have received which move me spiritually and encourage me greatly.

Below is just one example from my friend, ‘Shell’.

Here are her words:

This morning I awoke to read your blog
Needing to connect amidst the fog

Thanks for sharing your journey of grief
The sea of emotion beyond belief

What have I learned since from you, dear friend?
That your Mama loved you unconditional… right to the end

What a treasure she is and heaven’s now richer
Though I wonder why God doesn’t explain that when we turn to scripture

Please know, dear friend, that I care for deep
And this morning I read your blog and began to weep

Thank you for sharing and remaining transparent
About life, love and being a parent

Have you ever read such beautiful, resonating, encouraging words?

Can you be someone’s power of one today?

Will you see the work of One Great God in your own life?

I am a walking testimony to God’s great goodness and love. I am a testimony to the power of the people whom God surrounds us with when we are most vulnerable and humbled.

God, Grief

Be an Across the Street Neighbour

December 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I am walking upright.

In my comfy clothes.

Intentional about what I do.

Who’s paths I cross.

How much time I spend running around is limited.

I am quiet inside.

My grief is fatiguing.

Day after day, tears flow easily.

The depth of deep loss.

The beauty of great love.

Today, unexpectantly, I was ‘touched’ by two neighbours: L and J from Vtown and ‘Kind K’ from our new hood.

After school, I took the boys skating to the outdoor rink by the lake. It was
more like skate/swimming as it was ten degrees out. We had a great time. We were amazed when we saw these two faces stroll by:

Professional pumpkin carvers.

Across the street neighbours.

Card sharks.

Wine lovers.

Great friends.

Dearly missed neighbours.

After skating, I walked in our front door and immediately heard a knock on the door behind me. It was our new neighbour from across the street. She brought me these:

She lost her mom to cancer two years ago and she just wanted me to know she was thinking about us as we head into this Christmas season.

The power of neighbours.

The power of thought.

The power of being.

Being a neighbour, there is nothing like it!

I am grateful.

I am humbled.

I am hopeful.

cancer, Grief

Be Living in the Gift of Grief

November 6, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

Every day change occurs.

Inside and outside of myself.

Whether I like it or not.

Seasons change.

People change.

Decisions are made.

Babies are born.

People die.

I am not where I was or who I was a year ago even though I relive last year every day.

Surgery for mom.

Hospital trips.

Watching her in pain.

Watching her die and not even knowing it.

Now I know.

Now I see.

Now I feel.

The numbness is gone.

I live in unbearable pain every day.

Fatigue-inducing.

Gut-wrenching.

Leg-weakening.

Pain.

BUT….

I also live with unimaginable gratitude every day.

Life-embracing.

Life-giving.

God-loving.

Gratitude.

The gift of grief!

I soak in my book club women’s smiles, ideas, disagreements and laughter.

I slow down and look.

Really look.

The ability to see and feel the autumn leaves changing is a time to rejoice.

Being able to walk under a bright red umbrella of leaves makes me stop.
Listening to the scrunch, crunch, munch of leaves under three year old OC’s tires as he madly pedals his two wheel bike makes me smile and giggle.

And playing in the leaves with my boys is one of the sweetest moments in these last deep, dark weeks.

What will you notice today?

Who will you choose to spend your time with?

The gift of life!

Choice.

Noticing.

Relationships.

Grief.

Gratitude.

Life.

Family, God

Be ‘Knowing’ You Are BELOVED.

November 2, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Aren’t you, like me, hoping that some person, thing or event will come along to give you the final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don’t you often hope: “May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire.” But as long as you’re waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burned out. This is the way to spiritual death.

Well, you and I don’t have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before her parents, teachers, spouses, children and friends loved or wounded us. That’s the truth of our lives. That’s the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That’s the truth spoken by the voice that says, “You are my Beloved.”

These beautiful words are from the book called ‘Life of the Beloved’ by Henri JM Nouwen. This is an author that my counselor recommended that I begin reading. His books have tremendously blessed me. And today my prayer for myself, my dear family, my friends and every person that reads these words today would know that they are God’s Beloved.

Uniquely created.

With individual DNA.

Distinct fingerprints.

Exclusive ancestry.

Chosen by God.

Yes.

You.

Me.

All creation shouts His name.

May this fall season encourage us all to see with our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits that we are uniquely His BELOVED.

Boys, Family, God

Be Halloweening

November 1, 2014 Be Enough 3 Comments

I am sure if I looked into the history of Halloween or asked one of my non-Halloween-going friends, we may not participate in October 31st activities. But we do and we do it well!
Decorating the front of the house for trick or treaters.

Getting together with beloved friends to carve pumpkins.

Creating costumes that express themselves and empower our boys. Taking snacks to school to share with classmates during the Halloween party. (This year it was watermelon cutouts.)

Going door-to-door to meet our neighbours and share a story or two. Giving out chips and chocolates to each person who comes to our door.

Looking at photos of our cousins who dressed up.

Celebrating relationships.

Allowing Uniqueness.

Being a part of Community.

Accepting Neighbours.

Treasuring Friendship.

Loving our Family.
Pouring out.

Pouring into our boys.

Building roots.

Going deeper.

Eating lots of mini chocolate bars.

Witnessing one of the most incredible sunsets I have seen in awhile.

Glory!

God gets all our praise for this night and the people who surrounded us this Halloween!

Boys, God, Jesus Christ

Be Gobsmacked

September 14, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Gobsmacked.

Flat on my face in awe.

Humbled.

Grateful.

Watching God’s miracles (coincidences) on a daily basis.

Living the presence of God.

This week, a friend was healed from months of pain in her foot. God’s touch healed her. In one moment her pain was gone. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life!

On Thursday, I took out a jacket that I bought for my mom last autumn to bring her warmth and comfort as her body shrunk during chemotherapy. I placed this jacket over my shoulders and I was overwhelmed that this beautiful jacket fits me.

How is this possible?

Last night, Sexy Neck told me that he wanted to keep a few large blue Tupperware bins that I was going to give away. I unpacked each of these bins. One of them had 0 to 3 month old boys clothing and at the bottom of the bin, I found a ring Steve bought me for our fifth anniversary that I lost SEVEN YEARS AGO! I am grateful Steve asked me to keep the bins.

This beautiful ring now sits back upon my finger. I am amazed at God’s goodness. I grieved losing this ring when my oldest was a newborn.

And now this morning…

Often I leave colouring or activity sheets or notes for my boys on the table when they wake up in the morning.

This is the sheet I picked out for OC.

Notice the scripture on the bottom of his colouring sheet?

As OC was colouring his sheet, I opened my bible to look up some scripture on a 40 day challenge I am doing from Igniting Hope Ministries. If you are curious, here is the website.
Anyways, I open my bible to look up the scripture I was wondering about AND IT IS THE SAME SCRIPTURE THAT IS ON OC’S SHEET! I had to underline this word in my bible.

Flat on my face.

Wondrous God.

Gobsmacked.

Can’t think of a better word.

cancer, Grief

Be Saving a Seat for Nana

August 29, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

I am continually amazed by my children’s insight and childlike faith. I have discovered a deep understanding of the meaning when God asks us to have ‘faith like a child’.

Last night, I shared about the storm that exists for me in my rowboat of grief. I choose to show my grief to Sexy Neck, a few close friends and privately in my laundry room. I don’t expect my children to heal me, distract me or provide for my emotional well being. I sit with them in their grief but don’t expect them to sit with me in mine. But I am always surprised at how God uses them to teach me.

After I wrote yesterday’s blog post, the boys came to get Sexy Neck and I to watch a show. Wasn’t I surprised when I saw three chairs waiting for the ‘Up and Down’ show. The boys seated us and exclaimed as they pointed to the middle chair, “This one is for Nana!”
Nana always loved watching the boys shows, school performances and activities.

Childlike faith.

Ever present Nana.

God’s blessing.

Peace.

Love.

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