Category Archives: Grief

Be Giving Birth…

…to a book! 

  
I have given birth three times, twice at home and once at the hospital. All were beautiful labour-intensive moments that I would do again tomorrow.  They were all miracle moments after nine months of growth and preparation. 

And now after nine months, I am giving birth to a book baby.  Twins actually.  The first book will be birthed into the world sharing my inner journey through the gift of grief and then my outer journey book will be ‘pushed out’ shortly afterwards. 

Putting my thoughts into words involved early mornings, late nights, many uncomfortable moments and back pain from sitting in a chair.   It caused endless hours of introspection as I prepared to plunge my words into the vast unknown of Amazon and people paying to read my words.  

I know I am awaiting the time.  

I have prepared.  

I have pondered.  

I am ready to live my miracle moments. 

Knowing I am enough.  

I can be enough.  

Just being. 

Me.  

Giving birth to twin books. 

Be Doing What You Don’t Normally Do

I never go to “The Mall”.

Sorry folks, this is just not a place that brings me energy nor life.

The fluorescent lights.

Air conditioning.

And all those choices.

Whew!

Not my thing!

BUT, today I decided to do what I don’t normally do.

I WENT TO THE MALL!

Yup, all six foot of me, walked in and through the mall for a whole ten minutes.

I had not idea what I was doing.

Until, I ran into these two:

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Linda and Lil.  

Linda my good friend, mentor and Principal in Vtown.  And Lil, her friend from Saskatoon.

The craziest thing is that Linda is wearing a coat that my mom had given me as a teacher, that I had passed on to Linda when I gave birth to JC and didn’t think I would return to teaching.

My heart overflows.

My time with these two lovely women was amazing.

The reminder of my mom was a lovely moment.

Heartfelt.

Wonderful.

Women.

I think I may need to go to the mall more often.

Nah!  I think I just need to keep doing things I don’t normally do!

Be Slaying Cake Demons

Two years of buying cakes.  

Ice cream. 

Fondant. 

Chocolate.  

Vanilla. 

Cakes. 

Made by professionals.  

Two years ago was the first time that my boys did not have a birthday cake made by my mom.  

Elmo. 

Bert. 

Pirate.  

Digger.  

Cakes.  

Whatever the boys requested, my mom would lovingly and happily create.  

My boys most memorable birthday moments have been their cakes. 

Tonight, I slayed some cake demons.  Often the hardest things create the most freedom within us and around us.  

Tonight, I made my newly four year old’s request for a fire truck cake.  

Tears in my eyes.  

Heart racing.  

Knees trembling.  

Pink icing and all. 

(Who knew red icing was so hard to make?) 

I MADE A FIRE TRUCK CAKE! 

Soul cleansing.  

Mind moving.  

New habits.  

Overcoming.  

Triumphing. 

Cake making.  

Happy Birthday OC. 

(My mom’s namesake.) 

  
What hard stuff will you push through today?   What freedom will you create? 

Be Riding Waves of Gratitude

Over two years ago, I started down a road that I never knew I would go down.  My energetic, athletic mom had cancer take over her body.  It pummelled her, humbled our family and eventually took her body on Boxing Day six months later.  

I rode waves of grief.  

Face planting.  

Knee crawling.  

Life stealing.  

Grief. 

I had never known pain like this. 

I had never lived a day without my previous mama.  

But I did.  

And I am.  

I was at the beach a few days ago and was watching this: 

  
And then I noticed a woman sitting under a tree, just like my mom used to, watching the boys play in the sand. I would have felt paralyzed by this before but now I just found gratitude in my heart for this beautiful woman who reminded me of my mama.  

  
I am living.  

Living with abundance.  

Living a life of my dreams.  

I am continually surrounded by saints on this earth.  

Friends who walk with me. 

Strangers who bless me with their presence.  

Friends who LOVE my boys. 

Friends who ask ‘how are you?’ And wait to hear the answer.  

Right now in my life, I am riding the waves of gratitude.  

It hits me every day at how blessed I truly am.  

I feel extremely grateful for who I am surrounded by, all that I have and all that I can do.  

The possibilities are truly only limited by my mind.  

My opportunities seem to flow into my dreaming mind and humbled heart.  

I am free.  

I am flying.  

I am riding waves of gratitude. 

 

Be on the Water

Two years ago, almost to the day.  I started on a journey where I needed to learn to ride in the waves.

No choice.

Just had to do it.

The waves were metaphors, but overpowering.

My breathe was taken out of me many times, but I choose to not allow it to not overcome me.

The diagnosis of my best friend and mom having cancer.

The death of my beloved mom on Christmas 2013.

My grief was like living in a boat.

Some days the journey would be surreal, warm and comforting.

But without a moment’s notice the waves would start to pummel me, push me under and make me gasp for air.

I didn’t know what to do.

I couldn’t “do” anything.

I need to just “be” in the waves.

Feeling what I was feeling.

Allowing the grief, sorrow, pain to come.

Allowing myself to learn and let go.

Two years later, I am starting to learn to ride on the water with my four boys surrounding me.

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The waves are infrequent. The water is calmer. I can truly say that I have learned to ride in the waves and am now enjoying a time of being on the water, in the water of life.

Yes, the waves still do come.

Yes, I honour those waves for what they have taught me and how they have helped me become who I am.

And I am full of overflowing gratitude.

For all that I can do.

For who I am.

I am grateful for my boys.

I am grateful for the people that God has surrounded me with.

I am full of gratitude for my mom, her life and her death.

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Be Asking One Question

I truly believe I can help people.

I never really ‘knew’ how.

I never have felt that I could do enough as a teacher.

In the church, I felt like I never had a gift or a talent.

I could make a joyful noise to the Lord, but was never musical or led to anything else.

Until last November, I didn’t know how I could SERVE other people in this world with love, and endless energy…

Forty pounds overweight, still in deep grief over the loss of my mama that happened not a year previous, I asked my outdoor fitness trainer, Krista King, what I thought was a simple question: “Have you ever done a cleanse?”

That question that was asked through my pain, my mud-pit of wave-crashing despair opened up a completely NEW world and pried open a completely OLD ME!

Since that ONE conversation and the products she told me about, the layers have peeled back.

I was LOST but am now FOUND!

Me.

Freedom.

Food.

Health.

Relationships.

And yes, some residual income for my family.

All just by making asking one question.

And then making one choice.

One choice for…

Me.

The layers were peeled back and I saw:

Ten year old me that loved to drink vanilla shakes every day.  NOW, I have the privilege to drink nutritious vanilla shakes EVERY day and maybe throw in some chocolate or strawberry, if I FEEL like it.

Eighteen year old competitive volleyball player me who wanted to lead, but was surrounded by negative self-talk and unbelief. NOW, I believe in the power of me and am surrounded by positive people who believe in me, themselves and want to lead AND serve others around them.

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(I am #12 in the photo, gotta love those bum huggers)

Twenty year old me who fought on the volleyball court to perform every weekend, but just could never pull it together for two matches because of the fuel in her body.  NOW, I have completed one triathlon and I truly know that my forty-one year old body can do ANYTHING.

Thirty-nine years old, overweight, actually obese for my height, me, was using food to fill an empty hole.  I was looking for food to magically do “something”.  NOW, I have food that fuels me.  I have food that brings me freedom in thought and spirit through shake and cleanse days, protein bars, electrolyte drink and fifty MORE products.

Forty-one years old, I have transformed my body, my mind and my spirit.  I have bought a bikini with confidence just because I can.  I have walked down the main street with no “noise” in my head about what I look like or how I feel about what I look like.

FREEDOM!

I have helped myself and now I know that I can help people.   And yes, this product line does involve network marketing, which I love and you can read my blog about it here.

With the company I am partnering with, the opportunities are endless.  Aging well, being healthier, having more energy, performing better, losing weight or adding a few bucks to your pockets to bless people with, the possibilities are limitless.

I am humbled.

I am grateful.

I am ready to serve anyone that wants an opportunity like I was given just seven months ago.

Don’t be afraid to take the time to listen to your body and its needs.

Don’t be afraid to ask a question.

One question changed my life!

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1st photo: After my first cleanse in November… and still going strong seven months later.

2nd photo: One week after my mom died.  (Who knows why I took this one?)

Be Saying Goodbye to Orange 

I am not sure what happened, but I am going with it.  

Yesterday, I decided to was done with our orange walls.  They served their purpose. They helped me wail and gave me a place to ‘put’ my grief.  

Here is the story of the orange walks.  

After celebrating my birthday, I knew my pain had turned to peace.  So, I picked up a brush and roller this morning and began to pain.  

   

I was able to talk to my boys about the  pain I felt when Nana died.  I told them that painting this wall orange helped me.   I told them I wanted to paint this wall white today because of the peace, love and joy that surrounds us now. 

Peace.  

Love.  

Joy. 

Now back to the wall to no longer wail but to have a whale of a time doing something my mom loved to do.   

  Thank you God for giving me perseverance to deal with my stuff and to have such a supportive partner.  

Be Knowing God is with YOU 

Two friends are sitting by their mama right now as she recovers from surgery to remove cancer from her breast.  

Living in the unknown. 

Another friend is at home trying to grasp the sudden death of a thirty something neighbour.  She was one of the first on the scene.  

Living with the unknown.  

Yet another friend contemplates leaving a job that has almost destroyed her yet she felt called to do.  

Just not knowing which way to go.  

And today I went to the store to buy a dish dryer.   I didn’t find one.  

A few hours later, I was riding my bike down the road and look what was lying on the side of the road:  

  

A very small daily reminder that God knows my needs and He is with Me. 

Living in the unknown?

Living with the unknown? 

Not knowing which way to go?

Just take one step.  

And another.  

Listen.  

Look around you.  

You will be amazed at what you see. 

And what if you don’t see? 

Ask God to help you?  

He loves you.  

Be Me with My Peeps 

I love people.  

Always have.  

Always will. 

Them my peeps.  

I would not have survived the last sixteen months without.  

You know who you are! 

I was told that the hole my mom left in my life would never heal but that people would lean and the hole wouldn’t be so humongous.  

I agree with this analogy.  

Because of my peeps.  

The strange thing that happened on this journey the last sixteen months is that I also learned to be okay with myself.    

  

No more people pleasing.  

Be with people because it is pleasing.  

 Using my gifts.  

Being quiet when I need to.  

Saying ‘no’ and being okay.  

Letting go of relationships that are hurtful and judgemental.  

Allowing myself to feel.  

Allowing myself to be me.  

I am forever grateful for the gifts my mom has given me through her life and her death.  

I have never been so blessed in my entire life than I am right now!