Tag Archives: grief

christmas, Family, Grief

Be A Man – Part V

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I love my man! We have ‘grown up’ together, and lived more than half our lives together.

For today, I will leave it at that because I have a Christmas ditty to share.

Last night at my grief seminar, they talked about family traditions and taking the time to re-evaluate what we do at Christmas time.

This afternoon I applied this by talking to the boys about what they really love to do at Christmas. Our youngest loved cookies, our five year old said stockings and our oldest said ‘tree’. I asked what he meant. He said that he would like to have a tree and decorate it.

In previous years, we would drive out of town to a family tree farm, have a play in the snow, some hot chocolate and cut down a tree. I ask the boys if they wanted to go to the tree farm and they emphatically yelled, “No!”. They just wanted a tree.

No commercial break here, as in steps our hero…. My man is driving home from work, we call him and ask him on speaker phone, “Dada, can you bring us a Christmas tree?” No questions asked he says, “I will do my best!”

Only thirty minutes later, Sexy Neck shows up like this:

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And the does this:

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Creating blessed family traditions.

One unexpected day at a time.

With my hardworking, flexible man.

And what a man he is!

Family, Grief

Be an Overcomer

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There are some things in my life that bring me to a full sweaty mess.

There are many more things that bring me to my knees in a puddle of tears or a need to vomit.

Tonight it was tears.

I went back to Hospice House where my mom died, with dad at her side, on December 26th.

I felt a pull to go back, but also a humbling fear that brought me to tears. I knew that I needed to do this for myself. I knew I needed to overcome my overwhelming feelings of grief and love, despair and compassion that Hospice House brings up for me.

I drove my car north followed by a bright, clear moon and clean roads, as I did many times last fall visiting mom and dad.

I arrived at Hospice House.

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I entered the very familiar building and went to a chair to await the seminar about grief and the holidays. I tried not to look too hard, but it was the same.

Beautiful spaces

Christmas decorations

Warmth

Love

Healing

I sat. I cried. I listened to great strategies on Christmas in the midst of grief.

I wrote a card with my mom’s name on it and placed it on the memory tree.

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I had some juice and cookies and took a wander down the hall to room number eight.

Yup, it’s still there.

Yup, mom still isn’t.

Unless she’s now a man. A bald-headed one.

Nope, no mom here on earth.

A checked out the fish tank down the hall.

I walked back to the living room and put another name on the tree for my Auntie Gail. I remembered her putting her son, Michael, on the memory tree last Christmas. My cousin was killed in a motor vehicle accident many years ago. I put Michael’s tag on the tree and told him how much his mom loves him.

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And then I walked out.

An Overcomer of my emotions.

An Overcomer of fear.

An Overcomer of doing the hard stuff.

Overcome.

Overcame.

Overcomer.

Boys, Family, Green Tea Hawaii, health & fitness, Parenting

Be Out of My Mind

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Two different antibiotics sit on the counter.

Two more antibiotic creams.

Echinacea and cold remedy bottles.

Plus vitamin C and D to round out the counter display.

And I only have three children!

I have an embroidery guy that promised me shirts last Friday who didn’t even have the shirts started today.

And today I have my oldest say that he thinks our dog “is feeling something, maybe sad!” Yup, he’s right. She has hurt her leg.

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My middle son, sadly, lost his very best pair of ski gloves.  We spent time searching the playground and the school lost and found, but to now avail.  But I have one very sad little boy.

AND NOW….

In thirty-six hours, I am going to be fortunate to share GreenTeaHAWAII in Vtown’s hockey arena, where I used to live.

Trying to coordinate mommy going to ‘work’ for two whole days and evenings has taken a small army of help to coordinate.

I can’t comprehend my mindset.

Health issues.

Daily routine.

Special request.

Lost items.

Unwell dog.

Trying to prepare to do something for the FIRST time.

And I am not even freaking out.

I feel peace.

I feel gratitude.

I see such beauty around me.

(Even driving down the road.)

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Amidst the messiness of daily life,

I feel great love for all that I have, all that I can do, my given family, my chosen family, my community and my God.

We are living in a fear-filled, chaotic time.

But, I see beauty everywhere.

I feel overflowing waves of gratitude EVERY day, all day.

Maybe I am out of my mind!

Boys, christmas, Grief, Parenting

Be Seeing Green!

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We went to visit Papa.

We saw one of these:

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But it was green.

It was the exact green transport ambulance that brought my mom from the hospital to hospice house last Christmas.

And what did my three year old say as we drove by this green transport ambulance:

“Mom, look! An ambulance! We can tell it to go to heaven, get Nana and take her to Papa’s house!” 

I wish son!  I wish!

My three year old thinks an ambulance took Nana to heaven.

He now calls my parent’s house, Papa’s house.

He wants to bring Nana back to Papa too!

Me too, son! Me too!

In sadness.

With gratitude for these moments with my boys.

Goodnight!

cancer, Grief

Be Living in the Gift of Grief

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Every day change occurs.

Inside and outside of myself.

Whether I like it or not.

Seasons change.

People change.

Decisions are made.

Babies are born.

People die.

I am not where I was or who I was a year ago even though I relive last year every day.

Surgery for mom.

Hospital trips.

Watching her in pain.

Watching her die and not even knowing it.

Now I know.

Now I see.

Now I feel.

The numbness is gone.

I live in unbearable pain every day.

Fatigue-inducing.

Gut-wrenching.

Leg-weakening.

Pain.

BUT….

I also live with unimaginable gratitude every day.

Life-embracing.

Life-giving.

God-loving.

Gratitude.

The gift of grief!

I soak in my book club women’s smiles, ideas, disagreements and laughter.

I slow down and look.

Really look.

The ability to see and feel the autumn leaves changing is a time to rejoice.
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Being able to walk under a bright red umbrella of leaves makes me stop. IMG_6868.JPG
Listening to the scrunch, crunch, munch of leaves under three year old OC’s tires as he madly pedals his two wheel bike makes me smile and giggle.

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And playing in the leaves with my boys is one of the sweetest moments in these last deep, dark weeks.

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What will you notice today?

Who will you choose to spend your time with?

The gift of life!

Choice.

Noticing.

Relationships.

Grief.

Gratitude.

Life.

God, Grief, writing

Be Standing in the Light

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Me.

Yes, me.

I encourage you to stop.

Pause.

Stand.

Take one moment.

To be.

Watch your breath.

Listen.

Really listen to the sounds around you.

Right now.

What do you hear?

What do you see?

Why are you choosing to do what you are doing on THIS day?

Death is forever.

Life is now.

I choose to stand in the light.

Imperfectly me.

Humbled.

Vulnerable.

In His light.

Just being.

Me.

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I am not sure how I got this photo, but again it was through nothing that I did.

Just being.

In His light.

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Grateful (Thanksgiving 2014)

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Last Thanksgiving, when all was stripped away, my mom
brought us together and she was thankful. Even when cancer was ravaging her athletic body last fall she had us all over for dinner. We even took family photos.

IMG_6576.JPGAnd she showed gratitude at the effort we all made to be together. We were enough!

No complaints.

No ‘I wish’…

Just gratitude for the moment.

And talk about being cold!
(She was SOOO skinny!)

This year for Thanksgiving, I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted someone to make my mom’s potato romanoff and someone else to shove their hands into a cold dead bird. Perhaps, someone could have organized this brood of boys into a drama troop like mom did in 2013.

Dreams.

Wishful thinking.

Long ago memories.

This year, it was my turn.

No running.

No excuses.

My opportunity to create memories and show gratitude.

I stuffed and cooked a magnificent Turkey. I turned mom’s special potatoes into a soupy disgusting mess. We had gravy, olives and apple pie. My boys played a song on the piano showing their new skills to their proud Papa. We shed a few tears with dad and we were together.

Remembering mom.

Wishing she was here.

Creating memories.

Full of gratitude for all that I can do!

Grateful for those who reached into my grief during another ‘first’ since my mom’s death.

Grateful for every person who has truly shown empathy to my family.

Grateful to be alive with my boys!

Grief

Be Searching for Dawn

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I start pedaling as the moon shines.

Darkness unfolds over me and through me.

The grief is vibrating throughout my being.

Tears come easily.

My heart literally aches.

I don’t know how to live another moment without my mom.
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No recipe for grief.

No instruction manual or no expert that can tell you exactly what your journey will look like.

But I hold closely to my wise counselor’s words: just notice, don’t judge, just sit in it.

So I get on my bike and I sit.

Not responsible for anyone but myself and my grief.

Nowhere to go and no timeline to returned.

So I pedal and I wait.

I wait for dawn to break, hoping that my tears will be dried up by the time I need to return to my life, my beautiful life with my boys, and the wonderful people that surround me.IMG_6508.JPG
I see, now, that grief is no longer the end, it is simply the beginning.

An opportunity to shed unhealthy relationships.

A time to go within myself to look beyond the noise of the day-to-day stuff.

A new life to go deep inside my heart to realize how I want to spend my short time on this earth.

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As I look south to where my dad grieves, where my dear friends live, I know that the darkness in grief is quickly lit up by the light of people that you deeply, deeply love.

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely grateful for every person who has walked through and beside me during this incredibly difficult and rich time.

My tears are now pouring out because of the gratitude that I feel. The sadness is replaced but not gone.

I think I will most likely live the rest of my life a humbled woman who misses her mom.

Kisses. Air hugs. High fives.

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Off to attempt my first Thanksgiving dinner extravaganza. Now that would bring anyone to tears! Thank goodness for supportive Sexy Neck, helpful boys and old neighbours with sage advice.

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