Remembering.
Tears flow.
Sadness overcomes.
What a year it has been!
I have not walked it alone and for this I am ETERNALLY grateful.
More to come soon!
Tag Archives: death
Be Filled with JOY
I think many people are quite curious about me in this season of grief and remembering wrapped up with Christmas.
Curious as to my state of mind.
Wondering how I am doing.
I think I may ‘appear’ to be too happy for some people in my life.
But I am here to tell you I am not happy about many things…and my life has nothing to do with happiness right now.
For me, joy comes with or without happiness.
![IMG_7733[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_77331.jpg)
![IMG_7732[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_77321.jpg)
It hits me no matter my daily circumstance or season.
Joy is not from me, but a gift from God.
Gratitude, love, joy!
Flooding me, pouring out, flowing in.
It is nothing I am ‘doing’.
I am just ‘being’.
Being present with the people God has surrounded me with.
Allowing my sadness to hit me.
It is one year, less one day, since my mom’s death.
One more ‘first’ to live without mom.
In my sadness, I know JOY will be coming.
The joy of the Lord is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10)
![IMG_7734[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_77341.jpg)
Leaning into Him through my struggles.
Thanking Him for ALL I am grateful for.
Watching JOY fill this season.
Merry ‘joy-filled’ Christmas to you and yours.
Be Going on a Ski Vacation
We had the great privilege to spend three days and two nights up at a ski resort. Ski in/ski out, eat in/eat out, ride up/swoosh down, sunshine/snow. It truly was a vacation for all of us, including Papa.
A break from routine.
A diversion from the upcoming one year anniversary of mom leaving us for heaven.
A snow-filled, sun-filled, winter-activity weekend.
![IMG_7626[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_76251.jpg)
Our great friends, Baron Bob and Princess P came and visited us for the evening. The boys went tubing with them for the first time and even go to try the mini-snowmobiles (one day later, once the worker could get them started!)
![IMG_7627[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_76271.jpg)
Nordic skiing down the Bridal Path where we saw snowmobiles, horse-drawn carriages and a few other skiers. ![IMG_7661[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_76611.jpg)
Playing some hockey on the pond with Papa. Everyone got into the action this year!
![IMG_7662[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_76621.jpg)
Tubing… three year old OC looked a little small for the tube, but he was allowed.
![IMG_7663[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_76631.jpg)
The boys were very, very excited to go on the mini-snowmobiles. JC ran into a snow fence, CC managed to zip around him and come back around the loop.
![IMG_7664[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_76641.jpg)
It was a wonderful pre-Christmas vacation!
May the Lord hold you close this Christmas where ever you are physically and within yourself.
What a wonderful season it is to celebrate Jesus’s birthday.
Be Running Two Programs
My computer has been getting awfully slow.
Painfully.
Mindnumbing.
Slow.
I sit and wait and then I realized that there was another program running behind the program that I was trying to use.
So very frustrating.
But I sit.
I slow down.
I ponder.
HEY!!!!!
This is exactly how I feel right now.
I am running two programs.
The first program I will call, “Daily Life”.
Making lunches.
Taking the boys here and there.
Saying hello to people in the drop-off at school.
Attending Christmas concerts.
![IMG_7384[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_73841.jpg)
Answering emails from friends.
Baking cookies.
Doing my work as a teacher.
Living “Daily Life”.
As Christmas approaches and the one year anniversary of the death of my beautiful Mama, I have a second program that is starting to take up more and more space in my body, soul and mind as I try to run the program “Daily Life”.
This program called “Grief” is similar to when mom first died.
It is painful.
Mindnumbing.
It is slowing me down.
I am remembering things from last year that I hadn’t before.
Conversations.
People visiting the hospital and hospice house.
I am feeling things deeply.
I am letting this “Grief” program do its thing.
As this background program runs it makes the “Daily Life” program slower, yet more meaningful.
I sit more.
I watch.
I ponder.
I have more patience.
I am kinder.
More loving.
I savour sunsets.
![IMG_7385[1]](https://beenough.me/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/img_73851.jpg)
I am in awe more and teary more often.
Everything tastes better.
I feel things in “Daily Life” more deeply.
My life is rich with these two programs running.
Yes, I am tired.
But, I am living deeply.
Leaning into my Lord.
My Dada God.
My Personal Saviour.
He is my rock.
The ultimate Programmer who will bring purpose to my pain.
Meaning to my mess.
Wholeness to my broken heart.
He will redeem this hole that was created when my Mama went to heaven.
I love her deeply.
I miss her dearly.
I am blessed.
I am whole with my hole and my two programs running.
Thank you “Daily Life” and “Grief”.
What programs are you running today?
Be an Overcomer
There are some things in my life that bring me to a full sweaty mess.
There are many more things that bring me to my knees in a puddle of tears or a need to vomit.
Tonight it was tears.
I went back to Hospice House where my mom died, with dad at her side, on December 26th.
I felt a pull to go back, but also a humbling fear that brought me to tears. I knew that I needed to do this for myself. I knew I needed to overcome my overwhelming feelings of grief and love, despair and compassion that Hospice House brings up for me.
I drove my car north followed by a bright, clear moon and clean roads, as I did many times last fall visiting mom and dad.
I arrived at Hospice House.
I entered the very familiar building and went to a chair to await the seminar about grief and the holidays. I tried not to look too hard, but it was the same.
Beautiful spaces
Christmas decorations
Warmth
Love
Healing
I sat. I cried. I listened to great strategies on Christmas in the midst of grief.
I wrote a card with my mom’s name on it and placed it on the memory tree.
I had some juice and cookies and took a wander down the hall to room number eight.
Yup, it’s still there.
Yup, mom still isn’t.
Unless she’s now a man. A bald-headed one.
Nope, no mom here on earth.
A checked out the fish tank down the hall.
I walked back to the living room and put another name on the tree for my Auntie Gail. I remembered her putting her son, Michael, on the memory tree last Christmas. My cousin was killed in a motor vehicle accident many years ago. I put Michael’s tag on the tree and told him how much his mom loves him.
And then I walked out.
An Overcomer of my emotions.
An Overcomer of fear.
An Overcomer of doing the hard stuff.
Overcome.
Overcame.
Overcomer.
Be Seeing Green!
We went to visit Papa.
We saw one of these:
But it was green.
It was the exact green transport ambulance that brought my mom from the hospital to hospice house last Christmas.
And what did my three year old say as we drove by this green transport ambulance:
“Mom, look! An ambulance! We can tell it to go to heaven, get Nana and take her to Papa’s house!”
I wish son! I wish!
My three year old thinks an ambulance took Nana to heaven.
He now calls my parent’s house, Papa’s house.
He wants to bring Nana back to Papa too!
Me too, son! Me too!
In sadness.
With gratitude for these moments with my boys.
Goodnight!
Be Standing in the Light
Me.
Yes, me.
I encourage you to stop.
Pause.
Stand.
Take one moment.
To be.
Watch your breath.
Listen.
Really listen to the sounds around you.
Right now.
What do you hear?
What do you see?
Why are you choosing to do what you are doing on THIS day?
Death is forever.
Life is now.
I choose to stand in the light.
Imperfectly me.
Humbled.
Vulnerable.
In His light.
Just being.
Me.
I am not sure how I got this photo, but again it was through nothing that I did.
Just being.
In His light.
Be. Be. Be.
Be present.
Be listening.
Be open.
What does a mom say when her two year old looks out the car window one Wednesday morning and suddenly yells, “I see Nana in heaven. On the mountain.”?
What do you do that same day when your middle son paints a picture of Nana in heaven? He’s painting her right now.
And what do you think the next day when you have your oldest son’s friend over and she asks you to put on music and play “It’s a Small World”, my mom’s favourite ride at Disneyland?
Be present.
Be Listening.
Be open.
I am grateful my children are so assured their beloved Nana is in heaven. I can’t even accept she has died.
I love that my children are so connected to their ever-present Nana that they think to paint her. I can barely look at her photos without being overcome with sadness.
I am blessed that there are so many signs on a daily basis that remind all of us of my mom’s love, kindness and who she was. She was a great human BEing.
Be.
Be.
Be.
"Be" ENOUGH 