Tag Archives: pain

Boys, cancer, Family

Be ‘Conquering’ Your Pain

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Today, I am pondering pain. We all got it somewhere, sometimes.

Today, I got me some pain watching my Mama in pain.

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Sitting beside mom in her ER hospital bed, looking at her scrunched up chin, hands that can’t relax and toes that need to dance now that is some pain.

Mom has been a warrior when it comes to pain management. She tries to take the minimal amount of medication with thoughtful purpose. She doesn’t want to take too much for too long! But even she sometimes can’t ‘conquer’ her pain. Sometimes we all need a little help!

Today, mom made the decision to travel in style via ambulance to get easily into the Emergency Room in Vtown. She said the ride was a bit bumpy lying in the back over those wheel wells. Then, she waited patiently for most of the day to hear that she would be admitted into the hospital. They have her pain managed intravenously and she is starting to relax in this noisy place. Whew!

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Sexy Neck sent me some interesting reading from the Mayo clinic while I was hanging out with Mama. It is great information about cancer patients and pain. Just a little light reading. 😉

This week, I read a quote in a book that went a little something like this:

We can sit in our pain now and notice it or we can deal with it later. But, we will have to deal with the pain sometime.

My other quote for today: “The well is deep, the scoop strong, and the grip even stronger. Holding on to holding on.”

Noticing.

Strength.

Sitting.

Deepness.

Conquering by being present.

Devastation.

Pain.

F*ck you cancer.

Apparently, I got me some anger today too!

Fifteenth Day of advent and I threw out an F-word.

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PS. M, if you are reading this. All the balls are still in the air. Costco shopping is still suspended. We got our peeps in line. Three week cycle unfolds on the weekend. Trying to contact the other M for pain plan. Having difficulty. Mom will be here a few days. Chemo may be postponed.

Boys, cancer, Family

Be Driving In Between

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That drive between the new city and our old town is truly spectacular.

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the sun sets off to my side as I’m heading south.

i can see deep blue green lakes and mountains near and far.

the purple sky, blue skies, the red skies, orange skies.

the orchards, the trees, the snow on the mountaintops.

BUT my soul is filled with anguish as I leave my mom, as I drive back to my ‘new’ life.

BUT my heart is with my mama, my mama in pain, my mama lying, my mama sick and unable to live her life.

My mama My mama My mama.

Life is such a dichotomy – beauty is all around me in all of God’s creation. I am amazed by the nature that I see surrounding me as I drive.

BUT my heart aches, my heart is broken, tears fall, big huge crocodile tears fall down my cheeks

BUT I pray and I hope and I sit in my pain in the presence of God’s beautiful creation amidst the pain.

Mom was in so much pain today that she couldn’t be touched. All she could handle was a quick kiss on the cheek by the boys. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and it was like I could feel the pain emanating from your body.

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Peace Mama. Peace!

cancer, Family

Be Sick With Chemo

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I was one of those kids that vomited a lot. We were never sure why but it would just sneak up on me in the evening and whammy vomit city

I have many ‘fond’ memories of my hair being held back, a cold cloth on my neck or my forehead and either a bucket or toilet in front of my face. Usually my dad was by my side as mom would be vomiting with me if she was in the room.

Now my mom is very sick from the double dose of chemotherapy she received on Monday. Very sick!

Today mid vomit, mom quipped, “Joanna, you are doing really well with all this!”

Sexy Neck and I had a good laugh at the two vomit-phobes weathering this together.

Mama, anything for you! Even cleaning up vomit.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)

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An empty vomit bucket – love the cardboard!

cancer, Family

Be In Emergency

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I am flat on my face humbled.

For a few days now I have been worried about: my mom not eating enough, the potential of her mixing up her plethora of medications and the impending diagnosis of the origin of her cancer.

Today, my mom spent the morning at the hospital because was dehydrated! It was so bad that her kidney function was being compromised.

Didn’t see that one coming!

A simple reminder that I am not in control and that I need to “let go and let God”.

Thank you to my prayer warriors who propped us up this morning. I couldn’t have gone through this without you.

One. Moment. At. A. Time.

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Family, health & fitness, Jesus Christ

Be Questioning Cancer

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Cancer, I have a few questions for you that I want to ask you:

Why can’t the doctors find your origin?

Why are you wreaking havoc on my mom’s body?

The bloating. Pain. Discomfort. Hardness in her belly. The new aches and pains. The sleeplessness. Pain.

I am mad! If only they could find the origin they could then treat the cancer. Did you know that if you have cancer that began in the uterus that is also in the lung that the cancer in your lung is not lung cancer? Nope that cancer in there would be uterine cancer cells.

These are the little tidbits that I am finding out as we wait and wait and wait to find out where this cancer started. It is only when we know where it begun that treatment can begin.

Now what am I taking from all this? My life has become very small. My husband, my boys, my parents and a few very close friends.

Sorry new neighbours I will have to get to know you when this is all over. Sorry friends on the fringe, you fell off my rattley old turnip truck. Sorry relatives that I infrequently talk to, you too will have to wait.

What else can I take from this, every day is important! I love sitting by my mom in her bed while she rests. I love seeing my boys there too! I love hearing her laugh and man do I love to tease her. Every moment is special. Every moment has meaning. Every breath has hope. With God anything is possible.

May The Lord bless and keep my mama in this time of pain.

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Christianity, Family, Jesus Christ, Parenting

Be Not Knowing

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Hmpppff, we are two months and ten days into a six week renovation project.  We bought a “smokers” house.  Here and here are the sordid details.   It has been a difficult process for me.  More of the groaning and moaning here.  But nothing compares to the constant not knowing of the “mass” that lays in my mama’s abdomen.

Here’s my mom!

As we have been renovating, we have been living with my parents in their basement.  (No we don’t play video games!)

I have been completely baffled watching my mom in pain, on the couch or in her bed.

MY MOM RODE HER BIKE IN SPAIN IN APRIL WITH PEOPLE TRAINING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE!  MY MOM WAS RIDING 90KMS PER DAY.  MY MOM EVEN FELL OFF HER BIKE THREE TIMES!  HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING? Now my yelling will stop, sorry about that.

Anyways, the ebb and flow of my parents lives has changed into this every day living of “unknowing”.  Unknowing of whether my mom will get out of bed or will be able to fall asleep.  Not knowing what she will want to eat that day.  Unknowing of how to help or not to help depending on what she needs.   When to sit beside her and when to step aside.

I am living between two words right now, the one we are trying to create in our new home 60kms down the lake and my life here living with my parents and trying to support my mom and dad through their pain and grief.

Every day though, I have hope.  Hope knowing that God does know.  Hope knowing that He has placed people around me who can empathize, who really listen and hear what I am trying to convey.  I have hope that God wants to prosper us all, not by the words standards, but by His!

Glory to God alone.  It’s okay that I don’t know.  It is going to be very interesting to see how everything works out.

(This post has been percolating for awhile in my hamster wheel brain and I pray that it conveys the strength of my parents, the shock of this illness and the hope we place in God. )