I hate hospitals!
I love my mom sooo much!
Extremely grateful for my dad and my sister here. We are a great diverse team.
Encouraged by my hubbies support for me and love of our boys.
Lifted up by my prayer pillars all over the world.
God help us!
That’s it that’s all!
I am flat on my face humbled.
For a few days now I have been worried about: my mom not eating enough, the potential of her mixing up her plethora of medications and the impending diagnosis of the origin of her cancer.
Today, my mom spent the morning at the hospital because was dehydrated! It was so bad that her kidney function was being compromised.
Didn’t see that one coming!
A simple reminder that I am not in control and that I need to “let go and let God”.
Thank you to my prayer warriors who propped us up this morning. I couldn’t have gone through this without you.
One. Moment. At. A. Time.
Cancer, I have a few questions for you that I want to ask you:
Why can’t the doctors find your origin?
Why are you wreaking havoc on my mom’s body?
The bloating. Pain. Discomfort. Hardness in her belly. The new aches and pains. The sleeplessness. Pain.
I am mad! If only they could find the origin they could then treat the cancer. Did you know that if you have cancer that began in the uterus that is also in the lung that the cancer in your lung is not lung cancer? Nope that cancer in there would be uterine cancer cells.
These are the little tidbits that I am finding out as we wait and wait and wait to find out where this cancer started. It is only when we know where it begun that treatment can begin.
Now what am I taking from all this? My life has become very small. My husband, my boys, my parents and a few very close friends.
Sorry new neighbours I will have to get to know you when this is all over. Sorry friends on the fringe, you fell off my rattley old turnip truck. Sorry relatives that I infrequently talk to, you too will have to wait.
What else can I take from this, every day is important! I love sitting by my mom in her bed while she rests. I love seeing my boys there too! I love hearing her laugh and man do I love to tease her. Every moment is special. Every moment has meaning. Every breath has hope. With God anything is possible.
May The Lord bless and keep my mama in this time of pain.
Yup, cancer. The big C. The beast. The indiscriminate illness. One of our worst nightmares. I am talking about you little c-a-n-c-e-r.
First, I want to introduce you to my mama. She’s magnificent. Really magnificent. She celebrated her seventieth birthday in a March. In April, she rode in a Tour de France training Camp for two weeks riding sometimes 90 kms per day. She even fell off her bike three times.
Yup, that’s my mom, she’s one tough, athletic, caring and beautiful woman.
She came from a small farming town where she rode a horse to school. She is resilient.
She loved helping her dad around the farm rather than hanging out with her mom in the kitchen. She is strong.
She was a leader at school as well as an academic and basketball star. She is all around smart.
She put herself through University to become an excellent teacher and then she gave up her career when my sister and I came along. She is passionate and compassionate.
She went back to work once I hit school and she managed to do it all – work, home cooked meals, travel, organize our lives, plan fabulous parties and I could go on. She can do it all!
Cancer, I almost forgot to tell you, if my mom is feeling tired and weary from trying to cast you away. She’s got my dad at her side. Her knight. Her partner in crime. No cracks have I seen in their 42 years of marriage. He’s even put his golf clubs on the shelf, so watch out. He is a force!
Plus you’ve got to add one power into this “thing” you are trying to do in my mom’s body – God. My sister and I plus our hubbies, we know Jesus. We know his power to heal and transform lives. You bet we will have our mom and dad covered with prayer. We know the angels will be sitting by her beside. We will also be by my mom’s side to love her up and keep her going, especially with a few good books, reality tv shows and neck kisses.
And if that ain’t enough, we have got family and friends all over the world ready to kick your butt. Special niece in Spain, nephew up north, siblings to the east/south and friends in PG, Vtown, Western Canada, Australia, and 100 Mile. You don’t know who you are dealing with.
So, cancer now that you’ve met my mom, and her team brace yourself because you aren’t going to know what hit you! And we haven’t even met her medical team yet!
I feel that I have a healthy understanding of what my strengths and limitations are. I know that one area I need to work on is learning how to “rest”.
I think the physical posture of rest is important for me to learn. I have endured numbness, tingling and muscular fatigue in my limbs and face for almost four years. I think learning to physically, mentally and emotionally rest is the key to my healing.
Day two in our new house and Sexy Neck modelled “rest” for me well, even with our three boys mulling around.
Hmpppff, we are two months and ten days into a six week renovation project. We bought a “smokers” house. Here and here are the sordid details. It has been a difficult process for me. More of the groaning and moaning here. But nothing compares to the constant not knowing of the “mass” that lays in my mama’s abdomen.
Here’s my mom!
As we have been renovating, we have been living with my parents in their basement. (No we don’t play video games!)
I have been completely baffled watching my mom in pain, on the couch or in her bed.
MY MOM RODE HER BIKE IN SPAIN IN APRIL WITH PEOPLE TRAINING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE! MY MOM WAS RIDING 90KMS PER DAY. MY MOM EVEN FELL OFF HER BIKE THREE TIMES! HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING? Now my yelling will stop, sorry about that.
Anyways, the ebb and flow of my parents lives has changed into this every day living of “unknowing”. Unknowing of whether my mom will get out of bed or will be able to fall asleep. Not knowing what she will want to eat that day. Unknowing of how to help or not to help depending on what she needs. When to sit beside her and when to step aside.
I am living between two words right now, the one we are trying to create in our new home 60kms down the lake and my life here living with my parents and trying to support my mom and dad through their pain and grief.
Every day though, I have hope. Hope knowing that God does know. Hope knowing that He has placed people around me who can empathize, who really listen and hear what I am trying to convey. I have hope that God wants to prosper us all, not by the words standards, but by His!
Glory to God alone. It’s okay that I don’t know. It is going to be very interesting to see how everything works out.
(This post has been percolating for awhile in my hamster wheel brain and I pray that it conveys the strength of my parents, the shock of this illness and the hope we place in God. )
Boys, come sit down on our virtual couch tonight, we need to have a heart-to-heart chat. I am going to tell you something very serious, very heartfelt and very important.
(BUT first, a cute photo of one of Nana and Papa’s many costumes.)
Alcoholism is in our family, our blood and it is something you need to be aware of. No, don’t be afraid of it, just be aware.
Alcohol, like any addiction, will steal your days away, create a barrier between you and your loved ones and will make you do things you never thought you would do.
We have a loved one that “relapsed” the last few days. They went on a drunken binge. They hit their head, which caused a gash that will probably need stitches or glue. We know that they feel shame, guilt, sadness and all the hopelessness in their world.
Unfortunately boys, there is nothing we can do. They need God’s help.
Addictions are powerful. I know because I battle my daily addictions to certain foods, reality TV, Facebook and I am sure a myriad of other small things I rely on for comfort when my emotional storm comes. Every day I need to be open to relying on God and those He has placed around me.
I feel strongly that anything that harms your close, authentic relationships may be an addiction. Are you playing too many video games instead of talking to your friends? Do you think about playing video games all the time? Or how about when you start drinking alcohol, you drink too much too often? Do you hide your drinking? Do you think about when you can get your next drink? Has anyone close to you mentioned that you may be drinking too much?
Boys, please know that you are not alone, if you do end up struggling with alcohol. Yes, alcoholism is in our family. BUT, it can be overcome, just ask your Great Grandfather who has been sober for over thirty years.
May God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. (From the Serenity Prayer that hangs on our bedroom wall)
Boys, I pray this day and many more days, that you will never know the sadness of alcoholism like we know, that you will never know the worry about what will happen next to your loved one with alcoholism and that you will never know the deep sorrow of coming out of a drunken binge.
We are in the final days of “living” in the town where all three of my boys were born. I have been very intentional visiting with certain people and going to special places.
On Sunday, we went for a hike on the acreage behind the first house we lived in. We went with an old neighbour and her son. This is the home where JC was born beside the dishwasher. Here’s the story.
JC insisted on taking his backpack with a snack and a few other things in it. Does this ever happen to you with your own children? I said yes and boy did we get a surprise.
We had hiked up to the top of the hill overlooking the lake. The boys were sitting and chatting when suddenly out popped “Dukey”, JC’s teddy bear. We don’t let our teddy bears go travelling with us, but I sure smiled when I saw Dukey.
My mom had given us Dukey when were six months pregnant with JC. She gave it to us in the house at the bottom of this hill the Christmas before JC was born.
When Dukey popped out of the backpack it was a very special moment thinking about all that has happened in the last seven years since our boys (and Dukey) came into our lives.
Thanks JC for being in tune with other people and God’s Spirit inside of you. You are one of the most thoughtful and caring people that I know. You made us all smile today.
"Be" ENOUGH 