Tag Archives: cancer

Grief, writing

Be on a Threshold

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How do you explain something with words that is just a feeling?

What do you say to describe a place where only you may be at?

I have been searching for weeks to describe this sense of where I am as I begin 2015.

Suddenly, as I read another woman’s story, it hit me:

“Threshold.”

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A word to describe where I am at.

The best one that I can conjure up.

I am neither living in my past, nor do I feel that I am moving anywhere in the forward direction.

Sitting.

Holding still.

On a threshold.

For those that know me well, they know that holding still is not my forte.

Give me a list.

Tell me what needs to be “done”.

Ask me to organize.

I am your woman!

But not now.

Maybe not again.

My head is still fuzzy.

The grief I feel is deep and raw.

The hole my mom has left in my life is vast.

So I sit, peacefully in my home.

Happy on the ski hill.

Surrounded by love.

Glancing back.

Looking forward.

Just being.

On the threshold.

Boys, God, Grief

Be Alive (2014)

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Being alive is not only the opposite of being dead.

Being alive is also ALERT and ACTIVE

Alert.

Active.

In the last year, my life has being painfully touched with the cycle of life and death.

I have tasted the acidity of death.

I have reflected on the sweet life lived by my precious mom.

As I think about 2014, which started five days after my mom’s death, I am acutely aware that my year could have been different without the prayer of my “people”, the presence of some very wise souls and my brood of boys that surround me.

I would not have survived without these “Saints”!

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(Yup, that’s me on the right after our workout!) 

With my whole heart, mind and soul, I want to shout:

I am ALIVE.

I am ALERT.

God is ACTIVE all around me.

Working things out for His good.

Helping me see His ways.

Allowing me the privilege to taste life anew.

Savouring each workout with incredible women in His creation.

Doing things for the first time, things I thought I would NEVER do.

Enjoying every moment with people I love and adore.

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I am grateful to be ALIVE.

cancer, Christianity, Grief

Be Running Two Programs

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My computer has been getting awfully slow.

Painfully.

Mindnumbing.

Slow.

I sit and wait and then I realized that there was another program running behind the program that I was trying to use.

So very frustrating.

But I sit.

I slow down.

I ponder.

HEY!!!!! 

This is exactly how I feel right now.

I am running two programs.

The first program I will call, “Daily Life”.

Making lunches.

Taking the boys here and there.

Saying hello to people in the drop-off at school.

Attending Christmas concerts.

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Answering emails from friends.

Baking cookies.

Doing my work as a teacher.

Living “Daily Life”.

As Christmas approaches and the one year anniversary of the death of my beautiful Mama, I have a second program that is starting to take up more and more space in my body, soul and mind as I try to run the program “Daily Life”.

This program called “Grief” is similar to when mom first died.

It is painful.

Mindnumbing.

It is slowing me down.

I am remembering things from last year that I hadn’t before.

Conversations.

People visiting the hospital and hospice house.

I am feeling things deeply.

I am letting this “Grief” program do its thing.

As this background program runs it makes the “Daily Life” program slower, yet more meaningful.

I sit more.

I watch.

I ponder.

I have more patience.

I am kinder.

More loving.

I savour sunsets.

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I am in awe more and teary more often.

Everything tastes better.

I feel things in “Daily Life” more deeply.

My life is rich with these two programs running.

Yes, I am tired.

But, I am living deeply.

Leaning into my Lord.

My Dada God.

My Personal Saviour.

He is my rock.

The ultimate Programmer who will bring purpose to my pain.

Meaning to my mess.

Wholeness to my broken heart.

He will redeem this hole that was created when my Mama went to heaven.

I love her deeply.

I miss her dearly.

I am blessed.

I am whole with my hole and my two programs running.

Thank you “Daily Life” and “Grief”.

What programs are you running today?

Boys, christmas, Grief, Parenting

Be Seeing Green!

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We went to visit Papa.

We saw one of these:

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But it was green.

It was the exact green transport ambulance that brought my mom from the hospital to hospice house last Christmas.

And what did my three year old say as we drove by this green transport ambulance:

“Mom, look! An ambulance! We can tell it to go to heaven, get Nana and take her to Papa’s house!” 

I wish son!  I wish!

My three year old thinks an ambulance took Nana to heaven.

He now calls my parent’s house, Papa’s house.

He wants to bring Nana back to Papa too!

Me too, son! Me too!

In sadness.

With gratitude for these moments with my boys.

Goodnight!

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Grateful (Thanksgiving 2014)

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Last Thanksgiving, when all was stripped away, my mom
brought us together and she was thankful. Even when cancer was ravaging her athletic body last fall she had us all over for dinner. We even took family photos.

IMG_6576.JPGAnd she showed gratitude at the effort we all made to be together. We were enough!

No complaints.

No ‘I wish’…

Just gratitude for the moment.

And talk about being cold!
(She was SOOO skinny!)

This year for Thanksgiving, I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted someone to make my mom’s potato romanoff and someone else to shove their hands into a cold dead bird. Perhaps, someone could have organized this brood of boys into a drama troop like mom did in 2013.

Dreams.

Wishful thinking.

Long ago memories.

This year, it was my turn.

No running.

No excuses.

My opportunity to create memories and show gratitude.

I stuffed and cooked a magnificent Turkey. I turned mom’s special potatoes into a soupy disgusting mess. We had gravy, olives and apple pie. My boys played a song on the piano showing their new skills to their proud Papa. We shed a few tears with dad and we were together.

Remembering mom.

Wishing she was here.

Creating memories.

Full of gratitude for all that I can do!

Grateful for those who reached into my grief during another ‘first’ since my mom’s death.

Grateful for every person who has truly shown empathy to my family.

Grateful to be alive with my boys!

cancer, Grief, Parenting

Be. Be. Be.

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Be present.

Be listening.

Be open.

What does a mom say when her two year old looks out the car window one Wednesday morning and suddenly yells, “I see Nana in heaven. On the mountain.”?

What do you do that same day when your middle son paints a picture of Nana in heaven? He’s painting her right now.

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And what do you think the next day when you have your oldest son’s friend over and she asks you to put on music and play “It’s a Small World”, my mom’s favourite ride at Disneyland?

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Be present.

Be Listening.

Be open.

I am grateful my children are so assured their beloved Nana is in heaven. I can’t even accept she has died.

I love that my children are so connected to their ever-present Nana that they think to paint her. I can barely look at her photos without being overcome with sadness.

I am blessed that there are so many signs on a daily basis that remind all of us of my mom’s love, kindness and who she was. She was a great human BEing.

Be.

Be.

Be.

cancer, Family, God, Grief

Be Midnight Me

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Last night I wrote the poem below at midnight, not because I wanted to but I am realizing that this is a good time for me to write.

Quiet.

Dark.

Completely present.

Being.

My mind zips along on its hamster wheel of thought.

Writing helps me grab words, themes, feeling and alas the wheel stops.

One year after my mom’s second session of crazy poison chemotherapy, my grief is deep. The benefit of living a year past this moment is that I know the waves won’t consume me, the grief won’t paralyze me and my sleepless nights will end.

Here are my midnight musings:

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Midnight Me

I am a northern girl.

A redneck to some.

I am six feet tall.

A woman.

Imperfectly perfect in His image.

Overflowing with God’s grace.

(Cause He knows I need it!)

I am a Jock.

And an artist.

A mover and shaker.

A beautiful outlaw.

A writer of words.

A bearer of my soul.

A sole bearer.

My heart hurts.

As I ponder.

Watching my best friend.

My mama.

Die.

She has gone ahead of me.

Leading the way to heaven.

My mom’s life and death has re-ignited the gift Jesus gave me at 19.

A reminder.

Freedom to the captives.

Hope.

Grace.

Love.

The rope is frayed.

Split.

Disintegrating.

Nothing holds me back.

Expectations.

Judgement.

To do lists.

I am free!

Glory to God alone who brings freedom to the captives and weaves EVERYTHING together for his goodness.

Boys, God, Grief

Be Holding Tightly to Little Things

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I sense a loosening of many expectations I used to have, a fraying rope.

My grip is also loosening on so many of the things in my own home as I watch my dad go ‘through’ mom’s things.

I am blessed as many of the fantastic clothes mom had fit me. A few of her shoes do too!

I must admit though, that I am holding very tightly to a few little ‘things’: 20140904-225644-82604106.jpgThis is the birthday announcement we put in the newspaper for mom’s 70th birthday on March 30th, 2013.

20140904-225743-82663234.jpgA grocery list from last November.

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The Christmas present tag my mom wrote for me last Christmas. She was very ill before Christmas but she always had her shopping done early!

As I look at the three little pieces of paper I wonder why they are important. I realized it is because they represent the little things.

My mom was excellent because EVERY DAY she did the little things well. She remembered my boys favourite foods and books. She celebrated every little thing – birthdays, first day of school, thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, plays, practices…. EVERYTHING! My mom always thought of us, how she could help or what she could pick up or when we could get together. Our lives were interwoven. She thought about holidays and how to include everyone. She planned and organized all the details. Mom would often surprise us with beautiful handmade placemats or table runners that she had been working on for months before they were meant to be used.

She was very present for all the little moments. Sometimes, I would walk in my laundry room and find our clean clothes folded. Often she would clean out our hand vac. She always took the dogs for a stroll, just because she liked to think of the little things.

Right now there are a lot of ‘big things’ going on around me that affect our family profoundly (teacher’s strike, mainly).

I am taking a page from my mom’s book of excellence and I am focusing on the little things.