Me.
Yes, me.
I encourage you to stop.
Pause.
Stand.
Take one moment.
To be.
Watch your breath.
Listen.
Really listen to the sounds around you.
Right now.
What do you hear?
What do you see?
Why are you choosing to do what you are doing on THIS day?
Death is forever.
Life is now.
I choose to stand in the light.
Imperfectly me.
Humbled.
Vulnerable.
In His light.
Just being.
Me.
I am not sure how I got this photo, but again it was through nothing that I did.
Just being.
In His light.
Wisdom.
Creating time.
Slowing the flow of input and regurgitation.
Change.
Create openness.
Slowly learning more than I thought I could.
Grief.
Creating space.
Slowly realizing I will live on earth forever without my mom.
Autumn.
Creator brings forth colour.
Slowly coming to peace.
Enfolded in His loving arms.
Surrounded by incredible beauty and colour.
Embracing this season.
With joy.
In tears.
Always with gratitude for life.
Be.
Just being Joanna.
I am enough. 
Gobsmacked.
Flat on my face in awe.
Humbled.
Grateful.
Watching God’s miracles (coincidences) on a daily basis.
Living the presence of God.
This week, a friend was healed from months of pain in her foot. God’s touch healed her. In one moment her pain was gone. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life!
On Thursday, I took out a jacket that I bought for my mom last autumn to bring her warmth and comfort as her body shrunk during chemotherapy. I placed this jacket over my shoulders and I was overwhelmed that this beautiful jacket fits me.
How is this possible?
Last night, Sexy Neck told me that he wanted to keep a few large blue Tupperware bins that I was going to give away. I unpacked each of these bins. One of them had 0 to 3 month old boys clothing and at the bottom of the bin, I found a ring Steve bought me for our fifth anniversary that I lost SEVEN YEARS AGO! I am grateful Steve asked me to keep the bins.
This beautiful ring now sits back upon my finger. I am amazed at God’s goodness. I grieved losing this ring when my oldest was a newborn.
And now this morning…
Often I leave colouring or activity sheets or notes for my boys on the table when they wake up in the morning.
This is the sheet I picked out for OC.
Notice the scripture on the bottom of his colouring sheet?
As OC was colouring his sheet, I opened my bible to look up some scripture on a 40 day challenge I am doing from Igniting Hope Ministries. If you are curious, here is the website.
Anyways, I open my bible to look up the scripture I was wondering about AND IT IS THE SAME SCRIPTURE THAT IS ON OC’S SHEET! I had to underline this word in my bible.
Flat on my face.
Wondrous God.
Gobsmacked.
Can’t think of a better word.
Last night I wrote the poem below at midnight, not because I wanted to but I am realizing that this is a good time for me to write.
Quiet.
Dark.
Completely present.
Being.
My mind zips along on its hamster wheel of thought.
Writing helps me grab words, themes, feeling and alas the wheel stops.
One year after my mom’s second session of crazy poison chemotherapy, my grief is deep. The benefit of living a year past this moment is that I know the waves won’t consume me, the grief won’t paralyze me and my sleepless nights will end.
Here are my midnight musings:
Midnight Me
I am a northern girl.
A redneck to some.
I am six feet tall.
A woman.
Imperfectly perfect in His image.
Overflowing with God’s grace.
(Cause He knows I need it!)
I am a Jock.
And an artist.
A mover and shaker.
A beautiful outlaw.
A writer of words.
A bearer of my soul.
A sole bearer.
My heart hurts.
As I ponder.
Watching my best friend.
My mama.
Die.
She has gone ahead of me.
Leading the way to heaven.
My mom’s life and death has re-ignited the gift Jesus gave me at 19.
A reminder.
Freedom to the captives.
Hope.
Grace.
Love.
The rope is frayed.
Split.
Disintegrating.
Nothing holds me back.
Expectations.
Judgement.
To do lists.
I am free!
Glory to God alone who brings freedom to the captives and weaves EVERYTHING together for his goodness.
I sense a loosening of many expectations I used to have, a fraying rope.
My grip is also loosening on so many of the things in my own home as I watch my dad go ‘through’ mom’s things.
I am blessed as many of the fantastic clothes mom had fit me. A few of her shoes do too!
I must admit though, that I am holding very tightly to a few little ‘things’: 
This is the birthday announcement we put in the newspaper for mom’s 70th birthday on March 30th, 2013.
A grocery list from last November.
The Christmas present tag my mom wrote for me last Christmas. She was very ill before Christmas but she always had her shopping done early!
As I look at the three little pieces of paper I wonder why they are important. I realized it is because they represent the little things.
My mom was excellent because EVERY DAY she did the little things well. She remembered my boys favourite foods and books. She celebrated every little thing – birthdays, first day of school, thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, plays, practices…. EVERYTHING! My mom always thought of us, how she could help or what she could pick up or when we could get together. Our lives were interwoven. She thought about holidays and how to include everyone. She planned and organized all the details. Mom would often surprise us with beautiful handmade placemats or table runners that she had been working on for months before they were meant to be used.
She was very present for all the little moments. Sometimes, I would walk in my laundry room and find our clean clothes folded. Often she would clean out our hand vac. She always took the dogs for a stroll, just because she liked to think of the little things.
Right now there are a lot of ‘big things’ going on around me that affect our family profoundly (teacher’s strike, mainly).
I am taking a page from my mom’s book of excellence and I am focusing on the little things.
The waves pour over me.
The grief is profoundly painful.
Tears flows readily.
One year ago, my mom went into the hospital in excruciating pain.
Seventeen days she spent there.
The first time!
Our family was forever changed.
The knots that held my life together were unravelled, split apart and thrown into the fire.
Relationships changed forever.
Expectations shifted.
Pain.
Anguish.
Out of control.
Life. 
I will walk through my grief.
I will keep moving.
I know my strength, my weaknesses, my failings, my ways…
I will reach up towards the friends who love and accept me.
I will ride my bike.
I will give myself time and grace.
I will lie down when I need to.
I will not use food to soothe my soul.
I will not watch the news.
I will not put this on my boys.
I will not put my heart into a place where I could be wounded.
I will continue to deal with my stuff.
I will continue to loosen the rope, letting go of expectations.
I will cry.
I will seek God.
I will keep my eyes open for the light.
I will hold on as I go under.
Today my heart swells with pride as I see how my community encourages children.
I am proud of my children’s efforts, genuine inspiration and creativity.
My heart overflows abundantly with gratitude.
For opportunity.
Effort.
Ability to read.
Having free libraries.
And really cool things for kids.
My boys, following my newly acquired love, have started watercolour painting. They have each entered a painting into an Exhibition. 
They are very excited to take their grandparents.
On the same day, we walked across the street to our Public Library to hand in our finished reading logs. The boys got a medal and a free book. They were overjoyed.
Day by day.
Painting.
Reading.
Together.
With a goal in mind.
Or just because.
Coming from within.
To share with the outside world.
Beautiful painting.
Wonderful words.
Treasured boys.
What a gift they are!
What a wonderful community we live in.
I looked out the car window and saw the sun setting through the cloud. I exclaimed, “A slice of heaven!”
Almost three year old OC said, “Nana in heaven!”
Then we had a family discussion on what being dead means.
OC piped up, “Nana talk to me.”
Our seven year old added, “She talks to me too!”
I asked them what does she say.
OC said, “Night night. From her house in heaven.”
Enough said.
Night night everyone. 
"Be" ENOUGH 