Category Archives: Grief

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Having Nothing to Give (choo choo!)

February 24, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

We are on a one way track to healing.

Chugging down the track, snotty horns a blaring into my Kleenex.

The rickety old train with its heavier than normal road.

Chugging along.

Not making a stop.

Not picking anything up.

Just chugging along.

You want to get on this train?

Observe carefully.

Run along and jump.

This train can’t stop.

It may never start again.

This train wants to hide in the shed.

But with three wee train cars on the back, there ain’t no rest.

Weekends, the big handsome steam locomotive comes along to give us a pull.

But other than that we are stuck with the dirty, coal steam engine.

Chugging.

On the track.

Teary eyes forward.

Trying hard not to fall off.

Wow, this is one big hill.

“I think I Cann, I think I Cann!”

Boys, Family, Grief

Be With Boots

February 20, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Strap yourselves in.

Lie down.

Do what you need to do because boy do I have a story for you!

As I write these words I am very conscious that we each have an individual perspective on God, heaven, the meaning of life as well as life after death.

I want to be very clear where I am coming from so that you have a frame of reference for what I am choosing to write. My life is not directed by a church consciousness of God nor is my faith anything miraculous nor profound. My relationship with Jesus started in University in my childhood bedroom, alone with God answering a simple prayer: “God show me you are real.”

This simple prayer followed years of bible study, lukewarm times where I couldn’t see God at work, moments of zealously following God and now this.

This winter season living in a desert while rowing my boat in the ocean of grief. Woah!

Every present God.

Quilt maker sewing good and bad to make a beautiful quilt.

Coincidences that make me take a deep breath.

This one brought goosebumps to my arms.

A few days ago, I was sitting at the kitchen table with the three boys. When we have a quiet moment, this is when someone will usually bring up Nana.

On this day it was two year old, OC. He piped up, out of nowhere and said, “Nana with Boots!”
My ears almost fell off of my head. I immediately looked at JC, our six year old and said, “Do you know who Boots is?”
JC said, “No!”
Our four year old chimed in, “I have boots!”
I then asked OC again, “Who is Nana with?”
He said, “Boots.”
I paused then looked at the boys and told them that Boots was my childhood cat.
They looked at me wide-eyed then we went back to playing Lego.

Grief and God at His best!

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Removed From Life

February 17, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I am fully on my face, waiting for God to take my hand.

Guide me.

Like a blind woman.

Stumbling.

In imperfection.

With grace.

Most days, I don’t ‘know’ what to do. My ‘to-do list’ is empty. This autumn season taught me to reach for God’s cloak, this winter has taught me to wait for Him.

Listen.

One step.

One breath.

Wait.

My brain doesn’t work the way it used to. The uber-organized, relationship focused Joanna has disappeared.

Praying is difficult.
Reading onerous.
TV leaves me saddened.
Listening to others sad stories crushes me.
Hearing mundane complaints makes me want to turn and run.
Answer the question, “How are you?” boggles my brain.

Ambiguous comments and indirect speech where people don’t say what they want nor feel, is a language I can’t decode. It hurts my heart and pains my mind. I can’t make sense of this. Life seems to be pretty black and white to me at the moment.

“Will it help my family?”

“Will it help me take better care of myself?”

Sorry environmental concerns, fundraising for Africa, dust bunnies in the corners, life has collapsed in the Cann household and we are starting the rebuilding from the bottom.

Healing the people.

I am completely with my family, but completely removed from my life.

This is a Holy time.

Without fear.

With no judgement for myself or others.

With only sadness, love, desperation, laughter and rich family times all cuddled together like a beautiful rose wrapped present.

Removed from expectations, to do’s, fringe friendships, busyness.

Every night I lay in amazement at how God works everything out. How He holds me close and takes my hand. I am humbled by the people walking closely with me and how they know how to help without me saying a word. I lay in awe at the infiniteness of God and how finite He is with me.

The small things.

The whispers during my quiet days.

His presence.

Multitude of coincidences.

Grief, what a gift!

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Before and After At the Wall (orange wall)

Aside February 16, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

There is a sacred place in Jerusalem called the Wailing Wall or Western Wall. This wall is believed to have been part of the Temple of Solomon. Checkout 1 Kings 6 and 2 Chronicles 3 in the bible for more insight.

As I have been painting our living room wall orange, I have been pondering the Wailing Wall. This is a sacred place for Jews to go to pray and lament. My personal orange ‘wailing wall’ has been a place where I pray and lament.

I pray:
⭐️ May this home be a sanctuary.
⭐️ Help me Jesus!
⭐️ Lord, be enough for me this day.
⭐️ Help me ‘understand’ why I want to stuff my mouth with food.
⭐️ Lord, be with each of my boys. Be present to them.
⭐️Help me put one foot in front of another when all I want to do is lie under my duvet.

And I lament, oh how my heart grieves so many things:
💔 Our best friends moving to Vancouver Island last March.
💔 Moving from our ‘hood’ on 29th Crescent in May.
💔 Mom starting to show she is unwell in June.
💔 Saying goodbye to friends popping over and being ‘known’.
💔 Moving to a new city and neighbourhood in July.
💔 Mom being in the hospital and beginning her journey with cancer.
💔 Starting new activities and schools for the boys in September.
💔 Riding the cancer wave with mom and dad all autumn.
💔 Mom’s final hospital and hospice time in December.
💔 Mom’s death on Boxing Day.
💔 Broken relationships are finally exposed. (My sensitive soul is actually more relieved than grieving this one!)
💔 Living each day without my mom.
💔 Watching my dad, Steve and the boys grieve.
💔 Existing in a world without my mom a phone call away, without her popping by, without her listening ear, without her presence, without her hugs.

BEFORE

I pray.

I lament.

I grieve.

I choose.

To paint.

AFTER

Sanctuary.

Sanctified.

Peace.

I can survive!

I am full of gratitude for my boys!

I sit in the desert.

I wait.

I rely on my blessed friends.

I look for how God will bring me out of this.

I believe.

I rest.

I WAIT AT THE WALL.

If you need me, you know where I will be!

Family, Grief, Jesus Christ

Be Watching Nanny McPhee

February 12, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

When I asked my old bible study group in Vtown to pray for a new babysitter for us, I didn’t envision ending up lying on the floor in tears with a new DVD to watch. BUT I DID!

Last night the bible study girls were doing their study on listening to God. I am doing it here on my own, just soaking up the study from Priscilla Shirer like cocoa butter lotion.

The basics of the study for me so far have been:
1. God wants to have a relationship with me, yup me! This ain’t about no religion nor specific church.
2. God is present all around me through His word, nature, people and circumstances. (I think I have seen that with all the coincidences lately)
3. To quiet the distractions of this world, I can be aware of God by opening my eyes and my heart as well as by just creating space and time. I do this by not watching TV nor running around like a crazy, busy woman.

Last night, I specifically asked the girls to pray for a new babysitter for us, as our babysitter is going to work at a Vineyard on March 1st.

Here is what happened next via Facebook messages with my awesome hugging friend, Karen:

Here’s the evidence:

Yup, God even reveals his goodness and love for ME through Nanny McPhee DVD’s.

(My apologies for my incoherent Facebook response. I hope you got the gist. It was hard to write while in tears on the floor!)

Family, Grief, Uncategorized

Be Painting the Walls Orange?

February 11, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

Orange?

I am not sure where that came from. My thoughts are often strange peaceful and painful creatures I have never seen before. Apparently these creatures are currently orange.

My dad gave us this painting:

And… I decided that I wanted to paint the wall behind this picture orange.

Take a look:

(Oh ya, I am also painting the fireplace!)

Side note: my mom has painted every house that I have owned. She would come over with her own paintbrush and paint clothes. She would paint while I would keep the boys out of the paint. My mom, in her pain, painted the green cupboards in our current kitchen. I love my mom’s presence and the love she poured into our homes in more ways than one.

So…. I was feeling pretty crazy about this orange thought so I decided to text my soul friend on Saturday and she gave me this insight about orange: Orange means courage, passion, dunamis power, fire, harvest and strength.

Side note #2: (How many are you allowed in a blog?)
My insightful friend, A, gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! We lit a candle for her as we were creating our ‘Speak to me’ paintings.

But… Sexy Neck still wasn’t sure about the orange. He said, “Ask Ang!” I asked our designer friend Ang and she surprised us all with a “Go for it!” AND I DID!

Today, I started with a wall at the end of the hallway where we will put yesterday’s creations. I figured I would start small for my first wall painting endeavour. Then I moved to the big feature wall in the living room!

Orange baby!

Painting through my grief.

Better than eating!

Working it out.

Staying present.

Letting go of fears.

Throwing out expectations.

Living outside of judgement.

Painting the walls orange parrot.

Thank you Benjamin Moore.

Awesome!

Side note #3: One more coat of paint tomorrow. Finish product photos coming soon!

Side note #527 I just received a comment from from Ang Interior Design friend. (See comment below)
Guess what orange symbolizes in the design world – “Orange offers emotional strength in difficult times. It helps us to bounce back from disappointments and despair, assisting in recovery from grief.”

Yup, orange it is! Now I have to lie on the ground AGAIN. Who knew colours could make connections to my life too!

Family, Grief

Be Fragile

February 9, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Often I don’t have the words to explain the person I am morphing into or how I am doing at a given moment. As I sit and wait and watch, I am amazed by the depth of feelings I experience both good and bad.

The dreaded question for the last few months has been, “How are you?”

I never know how to answer this, but on Friday I received tremendous insight and the ideal adjective.

First, the boys received a package from our good family friend, Donna, in 100 Mile.

Coincidently, her daughter, M, who lives in KCity chose this same day to drop off a treat and a beautiful card.

In the card she wrote this:

Did you notice the word fragile? I did.

Lastly, I opened my mail later in the afternoon and had to lie on the floor once I read this beautiful card from our old PG neighbour and good friend, Ginny.

Take a look at this:

Yup, fragile again!

“How are you Joanna?”
“I feel fragile. ”

My heart breaks in two anytime someone I love gets in a car. JC’s teacher’s words at his parent-teacher conference crushed me. Any small comment hit me at the core of my being.

I cry easily and feel deeply.

I am fragile.

Today, I choose very carefully who I interact with and where I go. I treat myself gently and give grace freely. I understand that I may not be the only person in this fragile place.

I am so grateful to those people who continue to walk with our family and my dad through our grief. I am grateful how God uses those around us.

A simple card.

A word.

Fragile.

Boys, cancer, Family, Grief

Be Going to the Winter Carnival Parade

February 8, 2014 Be Enough 3 Comments

It was too cold to cross country ski today but it was perfect to watch the Winter Carnival Parade from our favourite Japanese Restaurant in Vtown.

OC even got his wish and saw an elephant. (No, it wasn’t real!)

CC thought he saw Nana down the street and we got to talk about Nana again when an ambulance went by.

Beautiful family morning with Papa and memories of Nana.

Here we are last year enjoying the hot air balloons.
https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/02/02/be-a-b-watcher/
We missed watching the parade with our Sharpe friends. They now live on the Island and she blogs at http://www.foodiegardeningclub.wordpress.com.

"Be" ENOUGH

Category Archives: Grief

Be Having Nothing to Give (choo choo!)

Be With Boots

Be Removed From Life

Be Before and After At the Wall (orange wall)

Be Watching Nanny McPhee

Be Painting the Walls Orange?

Be Fragile

Be Going to the Winter Carnival Parade

"Be a human BEING, not a human doing!"