Category Archives: christmas

Be Seeing Green!

We went to visit Papa.

We saw one of these:

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But it was green.

It was the exact green transport ambulance that brought my mom from the hospital to hospice house last Christmas.

And what did my three year old say as we drove by this green transport ambulance:

“Mom, look! An ambulance! We can tell it to go to heaven, get Nana and take her to Papa’s house!” 

I wish son!  I wish!

My three year old thinks an ambulance took Nana to heaven.

He now calls my parent’s house, Papa’s house.

He wants to bring Nana back to Papa too!

Me too, son! Me too!

In sadness.

With gratitude for these moments with my boys.

Goodnight!

Be Asking Me How My Christmas Was

Ah, dear friends, my heart aches tonight.

My heart aches for my dad who has lost his wife. His retired plans shattered.

My mind hurts for my children who will not be able to experience my mom’s continual thoughtfulness, laughter and excitement for birthdays, back to school and activities.

My body is numb thinking about our future without my mom.

BUT today it also hurts for a lovely woman God has brought into our lives through our children’s schools.

We moved in the summer to KCity, the next day mom was diagnosed with cancer, 5 hospital visits, about 27 days overall in the hospital and mom dying on Boxing Day sums up the last five months. Ah ya, also must add in unpacking a new house, finding activities for the boys, where to get stamps, two weeks of pneumonia for me plus a family bout of stomach flu.

Back to today! S, the lovely lady works at JC’s school. I ran into her today as i went into the main building to drop off a cheque. She was her usual bubbly self and she threw out, “How was your Christmas?”

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My mind stopped. My throat went dry. I thought to myself, am I going to be honest or give the canned answer of “Fine, how was yours?”

I looked at her genuine smile and realized only the truth would do. I answered, “Not great! My mom died!” Her empathy was immediate and caring. She rolled with my answer and didn’t flee (like my neighbours have been doing).

She provided a moment to sit with me in my grief. What a gift from a very lovely woman.

Thank you S! I hope I haven’t instilled a fear in her asking how people’s Christmas’s were.

Be Gotten in my Grief

My friend, Double D, and I have been passing back this darling hat the last few years.

She has gotten me good in her endeavours to get the hat back to me!
Here’s the story that took the cake! This happened in June.

I gave it back to her in the summer sometime and now in the last few weeks either when mom was in hospital or at hospice, I received a care package. In this care package was chocolate, tea and a nice box of Kleenex.

Guess what I pulled out of the Kleenex box last night?

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Luckily, I had a toy to return to her today, the hat is back in her hands.

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Just got a text from my good friend Double D:
Lmao!! You double got me I hadn’t even unpacked the toys yet, I just read your post and was smugly chuckling to myself till I kept reading and scrolled down to Diego!!! NNNNOOOO!
Haha 😛

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Falling Snow and Fluttering Butterflies

Crisp fresh fallen snow as I step outside.

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Dad has been by her side throughout.

He watched her last breaths.

Dad greets me at mom’s door.

There are beautiful butterflies on the door. (This is hospice’s symbol that the room is not to be disturbed).

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My big cousin by my side.

We step through the door.

Peace enfolds.

Mom is warm and quiet.

She is wearing a shirt with butterflies on it. (I think I need to lie down with all these symbols of snow and butterflies!)

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Her body is at rest.

Death has come to her body.

Thursday, December 26th, 2013 at 7:00am.

Kisses, kisses and more kisses.

I lay my head in her arm in disbelief.

In peace.

I lap up her presence.

I am enveloped by her love.

Tears slide down my cheeks.

My sister arrives.

We walk to the hospice living room.

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We light a butterfly light.

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Place mom’s special card on the mantle.

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M reads Psalm 23.

Dad talks about his sorrow and gratitude.

The boys arrive to an empty room.

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OC says. “Nana with God.”

A red rose is on the counter.

We say our goodbyes.

On the memory Christmas tree we write Nana’s name and we take an angel home for our tree.

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Then we lace up our skates and head out into the outdoors that Nana loved dearly.

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I love you mama!

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Be Singing Angels

We have been very fortunate to have met incredible nurses, care aids, patients and families at hospice.

I have felt a particular affinity to C, D and M.

M is across the hall from mom and is a light and lovely soul also battling cancer. We think she may have also been in the chemo room the first time mom had her chemotherapy.

C is just here to help get his pain under control. He has asbestos in his lungs from working in an asbestos-lined building for many years. Did you know that hospice is a place to get help for pain relief not just a beautiful place to die?

Then, we end with D and his family. D is a fellow teacher, nature lover and suffering valiantly with ALS. I have felt depth and love from his daughter A and she has helped me tremendously through this by sharing her story and her life.

This afternoon D, his wife and his three girls blessed us with their singing. It was a lay down on the ground kind of moment.

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Listen to this….

And a little bit more…

Glory to God for the gifts He gives each of us. We are so incredibly unique and beautifully made.

Be Having Wifesaver

Every Christmas for as long as I can remember, my mom would make Wifesaver from the Best of Bridge cookbook.

I remember this was last thing she would do before she went to bed on Christmas Eve. She would cut the crust off the bread. Layer it with ham and cheese. Pour the eggs overtop. And then in the morning as we were unwrapping gifts we would hear the crunch crunch crunch of the cornflakes as she put the topping on.

A few days ago, a good old friend of mom’s asked how she could help. I told Bev B. it would be great if she could make mom’s Wifesaver.

Right now this memory and ritual created by mom is being eaten by our family. Thanks to Bev’s love and generosity.

The smells, the look, the taste, the memory, the memory, the memory.

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