Tag Archives: poetry

cancer, Grief

Be Existing, Be Okay Today

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I exist in a world I never knew nor imagined.

20140119-150216.jpgI ponder my mom’s depth of knowing, her presence in all our lives and her amazing Sunday dinners.

I wait for my mom to walk through door and say, “Hi Joanna!”

I wonder how did she die and really what the hell happened.

I think about snowflakes, butterflies and my mom’s final smile.

20140119-150228.jpgI talk to the people that know our story, my dad, my cousins, my close friends.

I walk away from my old ways, my old complaints, the things that no longer serve me.

I hide from sympathy. I hide from shallow words and frivolous complaints.

I sit still and rest. Feeling my body for the first time in many months.

I watch, I look for some sort of sign. A sign from heaven.

I hover, waiting to see what unfolds.

I know I will be okay today and that is enough!

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cancer, Christianity, Grief, Jesus Christ

Be Doing Nothing Special (More Irony)

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I ain’t doing nothing special, but God is so present.

I can’t seem to pray or even open my bible or count my thousand gifts.

These rituals used to fill me with joy each morning.

I didn’t do it because someone told me to, I just did it because I could.

Now, I can’t.

I sit in a sacred space.

In grief.

In silence.

Within myself.

God pours himself out.

Through people.

Through nature.

Loudly.

All over and around me.

I watch.

I wait.

I remain open.

To see how he will pick up the broken pieces of my heart and my life.

I receive an email then another.

One says you need to see these lyrics.

Another one says you need to listen to this song.

BOTH SONGS ARE EERILY SIMILAR!

One woman lives in Leduc, the other Oyama.

They don’t even know each other.

How could this be?

God loves.

God lives.

God speaks.

These women listened and acted.

I sure didn’t do anything special.

The irony continues…

Here’s the lyrics and song if you are interested:

The song about oceans…and the lyrics to another song:
In your ocean, I’m ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin’ on my feet
It’s like I know where I need to be
But I can’t figure out, yeah I can’t figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There’s only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin’ quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can’t be sure when it will subside
So I won’t leave your side, no I can’t leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn’t live like this
I wouldn’t stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won’t have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

cancer, Grief, men

Be Living With Irony

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In the last six months, I have endured the most devastating and richest time of my life.

I am living through metaphors and irony daily. I should have paid more attention in English Twelve so that I could figure this all out.

Irony, ironic, paradoxical.

Sitting where I am today, I know that I will never be able to ‘make sense’ of my mom’s cancer journey and death.

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But I will look at the irony and beauty that has come from this beast of a year.

The irony that the hard times are when you find your deep friends, the ones that you can never repay, come be at your side, feel free to weep with on a daily basis and organize decorations from 500 kilometres away for mom’s funeral without question.

The letting go of people that just don’t get what you are going through and the deepening of friendships of those that know the profound earth shattering feeling of losing your mom.

The yanking apart of my family so that I could be at Mom’s side.

The incredible pillar of strength deep within my husband so that he could be all things for me and the boys when we needed it throughout this entire journey. Sexy Neck has a deep, deep well. What a gift he has been.

My dad, oh my dad. We were close before we went to war to help mom, but now we have an honesty and camaraderie that makes us teammates and friends.

Sweet victory.

Sad loss.

Richness.

Devastation.

Beauty.

Beast.

Life.

Death.

Light.

Darkness.

Irony.

Living in it, through it, with it, every day!

Boys, cancer, Family

Be Driving In Between

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That drive between the new city and our old town is truly spectacular.

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the sun sets off to my side as I’m heading south.

i can see deep blue green lakes and mountains near and far.

the purple sky, blue skies, the red skies, orange skies.

the orchards, the trees, the snow on the mountaintops.

BUT my soul is filled with anguish as I leave my mom, as I drive back to my ‘new’ life.

BUT my heart is with my mama, my mama in pain, my mama lying, my mama sick and unable to live her life.

My mama My mama My mama.

Life is such a dichotomy – beauty is all around me in all of God’s creation. I am amazed by the nature that I see surrounding me as I drive.

BUT my heart aches, my heart is broken, tears fall, big huge crocodile tears fall down my cheeks

BUT I pray and I hope and I sit in my pain in the presence of God’s beautiful creation amidst the pain.

Mom was in so much pain today that she couldn’t be touched. All she could handle was a quick kiss on the cheek by the boys. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and it was like I could feel the pain emanating from your body.

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Peace Mama. Peace!

Boys, cancer, Christianity, Family, Parenting

Be Living In Godly Isolation

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I stand.

On my own.

I wait.

For someone to say something.

For someone to smile, to notice, to see this shattered human among them.

I stand.

In the unknown.

I wait.

For someone to tell me something.

For someone to tell me it will be okay, mom will be healed and I will have my best friend back.

I stand.

Not knowing.

I wait.

For someone to show me something.

For someone to show me why I am living here in isolation with my boys, away from my parents, from my support, from the place I am ‘known’.

I stand.

I understand.

I wait for no one.

No human can answer my questions.

No one can be enough, no one can help me comprehend or bring me moment-by-moment comfort.

I stand.

I am not alone.

I wait.

God is my strength.
My Someone.
My everlasting peace and joy.
My understanding.
My known.
He is more than enough in my isolation from family and friends.
Thank you Jesus.

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cancer, Family

Be Out Of Your Mind

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In this intellectual age where we stick six year olds behind desks to ‘school’ them, where most people work in dreary incandescent lit offices and we eat fast food because it is fast and easy.

Today, I throw out a direct challenge – BE OUT OF YOUR MIND!

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Tonight, my mind fights for every ounce of sense to understand what my mom is going through. But instead, I choose to FEEL deeply as her body heaves and moves. I choose to hold her close and just be present.

Tonight, my mom fights to think of any food that will soothe her weary GI tract. I choose to be OPEN and not push. I let go and allow her space to listen to her body.

Tonight, as we think the cool north wind is threatening of snow, we FIGHT the cold together. Mom hunkered down under a beautiful quilt warmed up in the dryer and a warm cloth comforting her numb feet.

Tonight, I choose to STAY close even if the smell and sounds make my mind want to flee.
I choose to be.
To pray.
To listen.
To be God’s servant.
To serve the woman who birthed me, who loves me unconditionally and who wiped my vomit stained mouth many times.

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Tonight, I AM where I am.
Out. of. my. mind.
Some things do NOT make sense. Don’t even try!
*this might take longer than five minutes.

Boys, cancer

Be an ‘Old’ Friend.

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A friend sticks close no matter the weather.

A friend tells you when they are in town even if they can’t see you.

A friend uses her professional singing voice to sing your boys a bedtime song.

A friend drives ten hours on their holidays to come help you.

A friend asks about your mom and listens to the answer.

A friend loves you AND your family no matter the behaviour.

A friend bakes spelt buns just because.

A friend delivers food to the hospital and home.

A friend phones to check in, but doesn’t say “how are you?” because this makes you bawl your eyes out.

A friend cries with you when you get the prognosis.

A friend lets them hug you for a long time.

A friend pray unceasingly, even if it is the same prayer over and over.

A friend helps even if you haven’t seen them in twenty years or two hours.

A friend brings wine.

A friend climbs a mountain one day and walks with you another day.

A friend loves.

A friend is lovingly brutally honest.

A photo of just a few of our dear friends that have touched our lives and kept us strong through this time of change.

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Mom started her third chemo yesterday. She is struggling with nausea, eating and the extreme fatigue. Surgery is booked for October 31st in VCity.

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