Category Archives: writing

Be Saying ‘Thank You’ to my Mom’s CFUW friends

July 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I have talked before about my salty people. As my mom and dad journeyed through cancer, I got to see first hand the saltiness of their friends.

Yesterday, I was fortunate to help my dad host a group of my mom’s favourite people at their house overlooking the lake.

All of these women belong to the CFUW. (Canadian Federation of University Women)

Mom moved full time to Vtown when JC, our oldest, was three months old in July of 2007. Over the years as mom and I talked about all the amazing people she was meeting hiking, biking, quilting, volunteering or even her next door neighbour, mom always expressed “oh she’s in CFUW too!” They are everywhere.

“Where are Nana’s friends?”

I have taken up riding my bike very early in the morning. For those who know me well, you are probably lying on the floor laughing or passed out, as you know I not a morning person nor much of a long distance bike rider. I feel close to my mom in the quiet mornings as the pedals crank and hear the birds. I also love seeing who is out and about as well as exploring this new city. Earlier this week, I chose a random street along the lake and you will never guess what I saw. A sign stating:

The CFUW are everywhere, even taking care of a street along the lake.

During my mom’s cancer journey, her CFUW friends were everywhere. They provided food delivered to hospice for our family, picked up boxes of books to be donated, just because I asked. They provided close conversation and space for mom to be herself. They brought pictures to uplift and stories to comfort. This group of women did everything they could for my family and especially my dear mom.

At the Vancouver Peace Summit in 2009, the Dalai Lama foretold that Western women will save the world. After watching my mom’s CFUW friends, I believe him.

With gratitude,

For all the gifts,

Giving freely and lovingly,

Over the course of this last year!

To a group of women,

Who gave these gifts,

Of themselves, through themselves,

Independently and collectively,

Thank you from the bottom of my family’s hearts and stomachs!

Goals, Parenting, writing

Be at the Beginning (my 501st post!)

July 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Folks… How did I write 500 posts? Here is my 150th post! I wrote it almost a year ago. So, if I do the math correctly, in the last 365 days (which equals one year), I have written just shy of one post per day. Sexy Neck, am I right? Is this possible?

As I sit and write this five hundred and first post, where am I?

I am at the beginning.

The start.

Fresh.

New.

Beginning.

Each day I fully embrace. I feel more alive with deep emotion than I have ever felt.

Life is not about living in Disneyland, but enjoying those Disneyland moment. The exciting rides, the yummy sweet food, the cleanliness and friendly people.

Life is not about running from sadness, grief and hard times, but sitting in it. Living through it. Feeling deeply. The tears, the anguish, the copious amounts of laundry and people who will never make sense.

Life is about a beautiful woven quilt like my mom used to make. The light and dark fabrics making a beautiful pattern.

Life is about forgiving and starting fresh each day. The sun and the moon providing guideposts to help us do this.

Life is about surrounding myself with healthy people who may not understand me but honour me for who I am. People make a difference in my life, both positively and detrimentally. I am a relationship person. They are important to me.

Life is about being positive and focusing on my strengths. I could ‘work on’ all my negative attributes for the rest of my life and not move one mile, but I can continue to concentrate on my gifts and talents and hit the stars. Don’t we all find it easy to do what we love? Imagine if we chose to live this way each day?

Life is about beginnings. Learning to paddle board at sixty-seven years old. Going on a Tour de France Training Camp in Mallorca at age seventy. Being the very best Nana, mom, wife, aunt, sister and friend each day.

Thank you mom for teaching me about beginnings… And for being my guide through the ultimate of beginnings here on earth as a human being, death.

And now I ponder my own beginnings: starting a business, going back to school, new stages with my boys, fitness, health, volunteering, new activities, new friends and new starts with old ones.

Anticipation.

Excitement.

Pondering.

New.

Beginnings.

Grief, writing

Be Reading Beth Moore ‘Breaking Free’

June 27, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

I took this book off the shelf this week.

I put it on the back of the toilet seat to open when I had a quiet moment while I lock myself in the bathroom.

Then I opened the book to this page:

These last few weeks I have been in a dark tomb of anger, fatigue, sadness and again wondering how to live this new life in the light without my mom. I have many words tumbling in my head, most not rated G. I am thinking thoughts I have never thought and experiencing deep emotions on both ends of the spectrum.

I feel sadness that knocks me over as I watch mothers with their mothers. I cannot move but just stare when I see the grandmas picking up their grandchildren, filled with joy, from preschool. I want my mom by my side on my bike. I desire her steady presence and insight into my life.

I weep.

I don’t know what the next moment will bring, but my heart is full of gratitude for the gift of Beth Moore, books, my ability to read and God weaving everything together.

Holding on.

Tight.

Sitting in my grief.

Damn, it’s hard.

Knowing this will not overcome me.

Trusting.

Being grateful for the life I have.

In Christ alone.

Family, Grief, writing

Be in the Perfect Storm

June 18, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

The storm has poured down on me this year, raining on my head, sleet whopping the sides of my face, frozen eyelashes, paralyzing snow. I am in the perfect storm of GRIEF!

Death is disaster.

Devastating.

Debilitating.

Brutal.

I told someone three times in one conversation that I am not going to allow anything bad come from my mom’s life or death. Guess what?

Death is just bad.

Very, very bad.

Sorry, I can’t wrap this one in a pretty pretend ‘good’ package.

Just bad!

Moving sucks.

Lonely.

Agonizing.

Painful.

Trying to find where to get decent produce, gluten free bread and friends that are honest and not too busy flying around like hummingbirds.

Now a teacher’s strike affecting friends, family and dear Sexy Neck.

School ended last Friday for the summer, two weeks early.

The teacher’s strike for class composition, size and wages.

They walk, they wear signs, they do not get paid.

Their journey is honourable.

The negotiations are a schoolyard fight between two people speaking different languages. The teacher’s union and the Government.

The pressure the strike has put on families scrambling for child care and the administration (including Sexy Neck) still left inside the schools is unfathomable.

Most days I don’t ask. Can’t ask.

As I sit deeply in this year of grief layered with mom’s death, moving, watching dad grieve, watching friendships die and now the strike.

“The Perfect Storm” painted over the last week.
Let a new season come upon our family…

Soon?

Boys, cancer, Family, Grief, writing

Be Writing Thank You Notes to New Neighbours

May 22, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

As, Jimmy Fallon from The Tonight Show, sits down to write his own thank you notes, I decided to write thank you notes to our new neighbourhood.

Thank you to Jimmy for the inspiration. Here are this evening’s thank you notes by Jimmy. This is my personal twist of sarcasm at its best! Some points are exaggerated for comedic effect, unfortunately most points are not.

🌀Thank you neighbour for leaving your garbage can, recycling can and compost bin at the curb ALL WEEK LONG. We love watching you put your garbage out in your housecoat as well as watch your kids friend’s play bumper cars with the bins as they try to park their cars beside them.

🌀Thank you neighbour for parking your semi-truck on our street every Thursday to Saturday and driving away without any lights on like we don’t see you.

🌀Thank you neighbour for bringing your son over to play then leaving him at our house for two hours fifteen minutes after we met you. We can see why you needed the break.

🌀Thank you neighbour for calling me by the wrong name every morning at exactly 8:15 when you come out to walk your dog. My name is hard to remember, as it is the same as yours.

🌀Thank you neighbour for not smoking inside your house. We appreciate the stench in our yard and throughout our house, especially when you decide to pull out the ‘pot’.

🌀Thank you neighbour for asking my son if he’s “skipping school” when you saw him at home on a school day. Uhhhh, he was sick and he’s six. He had no idea what you were talking about.

🌀Thank you neighbour for standing on your porch in your white undershirt just staring into our yard.

🌀Thank you other neighbour for walking very slowly down our back fence, like you are doing the wedding march with the groom standing in the middle of our backyard. Next time just pop over for a look so that you don’t hurt your neck.

🌀Thank you neighbour for taking off your dog’s leash as you approach our houses so that it can urinate on our lawn then bark at our dog at our gate. Thank you for finally not allowing your dog to come into our house anymore.

🌀Thank you neighbour for telling me that my mom just gave up and wanted to die. I guess the millions of cancer cells multiplying had nothing to do with it.

🌀Thank you neighbour for using pesticides to kill the weeds on the edge of our lawn bordering your property. My boys sperm count thank you.

🌀Speaking of boys, thank you neighbour for exclaiming in front of my family of four boys the very first time we met you, “Oh, I was hoping you were going to have little girls!” Welcome to my family of big boys. (Now perhaps stunted due to your pesticide use).

Family, Grief, writing

Be Purple Footed

May 22, 2014 Be Enough 6 Comments

My heart is holey today.

I wish I could say it is holy.

The death of my mom is feeling large today.

Tears sit at the edge of my eyes.

My heart hurts.

I want to speak to my mom.

I have so many unanswered questions.

I feel an incredible sadness of her not ‘being’ in my everyday life.

It’s a deep purple heartfelt loss.

I choose, today, to slip on Mom’s soft purple Keen’s. (Mom always bought the best shoes and how fortunate am I that the shoes fit!)

One step at a time I tenderly walk through my day…

until…

A friend and her daughter excitedly point at my shoes.

She exclaims, “We have the same shoes! Let’s all wear them tomorrow!” Here they are in their beautiful purple shoes:

Tomorrow, I won’t be wearing my purple Keen’s alone.

My heart aches a little less.

The hole in my heart feels smaller.

I sense God’s holy presence through the coincidence of purple shoes.

Friday morning add-on:
Look what my A friend wore to school drop-off/work today:

Pure awesomeness.

Friendship.

Solidarity.

In grief.

Thank you A, M and Sweet C!!

God, painting, writing

Be Going to a Retreat by a Lake

March 28, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Today, I left my brood of boys after our life shifting trip to Hawaii and spent eight hours at a healing prayer retreat for women.

Each woman had a beautiful opportunity to enjoy time with God while taking care of their soul through painting, massage, prayer or counselling.

I chose prayer counselling and watercolour painting as my soul care times as well I enjoyed time on my own walking and writing in my journal.

As I walk through my life, I continue to be amazed that when I stop or pause to notice God, He is ever-present in my life. I don’t think I shall ever cease to be amazed at the wondrous coincidences of God!

This morning, I started off with a cup of tea in this mug from Hawaii:

(That’s my new journal in the background from Sexy Neck, isn’t it cute?)

Next, a woman lead us in song with a UKELELE! How often do you see that here? But in Hawaii, I saw them in every store and heard one being played almost every day.

Lastly, during my watercolour painting soul care session, I learned how to paint for the first time. I was playing with paint and created this:

Which reminded me of my very favourite bridge in Haliewa on the North Shore. I paddle boarded under this bridge, saw turtles here, ate shaved iced beside it, walked over it multiple times and just stared at it. Is it possible to have a crush on a bridge?

Here is my lovely bridge:

Which brings me to my first watercolour painting that I am not even afraid to share publicly.

Over my bridge towers a strong banyan tree representing Sexy Neck and on the sides you will see three growing palm trees for my boys.

Thankful for my painting teacher.

Thankful for God that I had this opportunity to try new things.

Every day is new.

His mercy and grace is real.

He weaves everything together for His good!

Healing.

Painting.

Wholeness.

Newness.

Noticing.

Peace.

(Inspiration for my next painting.)

Grief, Jesus Christ, writing

Be Sharing Poems

January 22, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

It is not coincidence for me, as you know, that I receive multiple things from different people on the same day.

Yesterday it was poetry.

First, a friend sent me a poem she had read at her grandmother’s celebration of life on the weekend. Then I received a poem from Steve’s amazing Aunt M.

Here’s the first one:

Here’s the second one:

The Watcher
by Margaret Widdemer (1884-1978)
She always leaned to watch for us,
Anxious if we were late,
In winter by the window,
In summer by the gate.

And though we mocked her tenderly,
Who had such foolish care,
The long way home would seem more safe
Because she waited there.

Her thoughts were all so full of us,
She never could forget!
And so I think that where she is
She must be watching yet.

Waiting till we come home to her,
Anxious if we are late,
Watching from Heaven’s window,
Leaning on Heaven’s gate.

Thanks you two for thinking of me and for loving me with words. Xoxo

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"Be" ENOUGH