Tag Archives: poetry

cancer, Grief, writing

Be Going Under

August 4, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

The waves pour over me.

The grief is profoundly painful.

Tears flows readily.

One year ago, my mom went into the hospital in excruciating pain.

Seventeen days she spent there.

The first time!

Our family was forever changed.

The knots that held my life together were unravelled, split apart and thrown into the fire.

Relationships changed forever.

Expectations shifted.

Pain.

Anguish.

Out of control.

Life.

I will walk through my grief.

I will keep moving.

I know my strength, my weaknesses, my failings, my ways…

I will reach up towards the friends who love and accept me.

I will ride my bike.

I will give myself time and grace.

I will lie down when I need to.

I will not use food to soothe my soul.

I will not watch the news.

I will not put this on my boys.

I will not put my heart into a place where I could be wounded.

I will continue to deal with my stuff.

I will continue to loosen the rope, letting go of expectations.

I will cry.

I will seek God.

I will keep my eyes open for the light.

I will hold on as I go under.

Boys, Family, Grief

Be Living with Memories

June 3, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

Memories have been sliding down my cheeks more often these days. In the quiet moments, when the boys talk of their beloved Nana and when I witness my dad’s own tears. I still cannot make ‘sense’ of this new existence without mom. It is completely unbelievably real. The living with ONLY memories is bringing me to my knees. This is neither good nor bad, it just is.

I have the privilege of being on the front line of receiving mom’s things as dad is ready to let them go. First it was food in the cupboard then mom’s cosmetics, then shoes, jackets and now her clothes. I readily take these beautiful things with tears in my eyes. The memories of mom wearing the clothes and seeing things she had purchased to wear this spring that I am living RIGHT NOW is very difficult to comprehend. (Two biking shirts in particular brought tears to my eyes.).

Here is batman (aka CC) pointing to the two boxes of spring clothes I have of mom’s:

Unfolding.

Folding.

Memories.

Laying down.

Sitting in it.

Sitting with.

Memories.

As mom’s clothes sit at one end of our unfinished basement, I have been sorting through our boxes of memories at the other end on my newly painted white shelf. What does one do with old yearbooks, jerseys, trophies… Are my children going to want these things? Do I want my children to be going through them. Perhaps my work now is to make space for them to create their own memories.

Unpacking.

Packing.

Memories.

Letting go.

Giving freedom to it.

Providing space for.

New memories.

Family, Grief, writing

Be Purple Footed

May 22, 2014 Be Enough 6 Comments

My heart is holey today.

I wish I could say it is holy.

The death of my mom is feeling large today.

Tears sit at the edge of my eyes.

My heart hurts.

I want to speak to my mom.

I have so many unanswered questions.

I feel an incredible sadness of her not ‘being’ in my everyday life.

It’s a deep purple heartfelt loss.

I choose, today, to slip on Mom’s soft purple Keen’s. (Mom always bought the best shoes and how fortunate am I that the shoes fit!)

One step at a time I tenderly walk through my day…

until…

A friend and her daughter excitedly point at my shoes.

She exclaims, “We have the same shoes! Let’s all wear them tomorrow!” Here they are in their beautiful purple shoes:

Tomorrow, I won’t be wearing my purple Keen’s alone.

My heart aches a little less.

The hole in my heart feels smaller.

I sense God’s holy presence through the coincidence of purple shoes.

Friday morning add-on:
Look what my A friend wore to school drop-off/work today:

Pure awesomeness.

Friendship.

Solidarity.

In grief.

Thank you A, M and Sweet C!!

cancer, Grief

Be a Butterfly

April 2, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

“How does one become a butterfly?

You must want to fly so much

that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

(Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers)

I am free.

Flying.

Nothing holds me back nor down.

My greatest fears are gone.

I am open.

Soaring.

Nothing can dissuade me nor discourage me.

My expectations have floated away.

I am a butterfly.

Gliding.

Nothing can change my beauty.

My imperfections are perfection.

No longer am I crawling along the ground as a caterpillar.

I am out of the mud.

I am not longer just observing.

I am free.

—————————————————————————————————–

I am not sure why butterflies have become the symbols of my mom’s journey into heaven. They were everywhere in Hospice and now on our trip to Hawaii they were hovering all around us. I have never felt closer to my mom since she has passed. I feel that in my new life here in a new town, these wings have now been fastened onto me. I float between people, having no one friend to anchor me nor move me in any one direction. I feel opportunities around every tree.

I feel inspired.

Creative.

Excited.

Anticipating.

I feel free.

Thank you mom for this great gift in your death. Thank you for taking my fears with me. Thank you for guiding us from this world into heaven. You are a true trailblazer. I love you mama.

Past blogs about butterflies: https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/be-having-something-about-butterflies/

https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/12/26/falling-snow-and-fluttering-butterflies/

https://beenough.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/be-surfing-under-rainbows-with-a-butterfly/

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Having Nothing to Give (choo choo!)

February 24, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

We are on a one way track to healing.

Chugging down the track, snotty horns a blaring into my Kleenex.

The rickety old train with its heavier than normal road.

Chugging along.

Not making a stop.

Not picking anything up.

Just chugging along.

You want to get on this train?

Observe carefully.

Run along and jump.

This train can’t stop.

It may never start again.

This train wants to hide in the shed.

But with three wee train cars on the back, there ain’t no rest.

Weekends, the big handsome steam locomotive comes along to give us a pull.

But other than that we are stuck with the dirty, coal steam engine.

Chugging.

On the track.

Teary eyes forward.

Trying hard not to fall off.

Wow, this is one big hill.

“I think I Cann, I think I Cann!”

Family, Grief, Uncategorized

Be Painting the Walls Orange?

February 11, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

Orange?

I am not sure where that came from. My thoughts are often strange peaceful and painful creatures I have never seen before. Apparently these creatures are currently orange.

My dad gave us this painting:

And… I decided that I wanted to paint the wall behind this picture orange.

Take a look:

(Oh ya, I am also painting the fireplace!)

Side note: my mom has painted every house that I have owned. She would come over with her own paintbrush and paint clothes. She would paint while I would keep the boys out of the paint. My mom, in her pain, painted the green cupboards in our current kitchen. I love my mom’s presence and the love she poured into our homes in more ways than one.

So…. I was feeling pretty crazy about this orange thought so I decided to text my soul friend on Saturday and she gave me this insight about orange: Orange means courage, passion, dunamis power, fire, harvest and strength.

Side note #2: (How many are you allowed in a blog?)
My insightful friend, A, gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! We lit a candle for her as we were creating our ‘Speak to me’ paintings.

But… Sexy Neck still wasn’t sure about the orange. He said, “Ask Ang!” I asked our designer friend Ang and she surprised us all with a “Go for it!” AND I DID!

Today, I started with a wall at the end of the hallway where we will put yesterday’s creations. I figured I would start small for my first wall painting endeavour. Then I moved to the big feature wall in the living room!

Orange baby!

Painting through my grief.

Better than eating!

Working it out.

Staying present.

Letting go of fears.

Throwing out expectations.

Living outside of judgement.

Painting the walls orange parrot.

Thank you Benjamin Moore.

Awesome!

Side note #3: One more coat of paint tomorrow. Finish product photos coming soon!

Side note #527 I just received a comment from from Ang Interior Design friend. (See comment below)
Guess what orange symbolizes in the design world – “Orange offers emotional strength in difficult times. It helps us to bounce back from disappointments and despair, assisting in recovery from grief.”

Yup, orange it is! Now I have to lie on the ground AGAIN. Who knew colours could make connections to my life too!

Christianity, Grief, Jesus Christ

Be Going Underground

January 23, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

I declare, I am not dead.

I am not gone from your life forever.

I have merely gone underground.

Spiritually, God has me close.

I am in a Holy Space.

Emotionally, I am fragile, weak and have the gift to cry easily.

I am tender-hearted.

Physically, I take care of my body with intention, allowing myself to heal and feel.

I am hurting all over.

Give me your grace for my indecision, my confusion.

My mind is numb.

A fog hovers around me.

I can’t ‘work it out’.

I must just be.

Underground.

“Despite all appearances…nature is not dead in winter-it has gone underground to renew itself and prepare for spring. Winter is a time when we are admonished, and even inclined, to do the same for ourselves.”

– Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Grief, Jesus Christ, writing

Be Sharing Poems

January 22, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

It is not coincidence for me, as you know, that I receive multiple things from different people on the same day.

Yesterday it was poetry.

First, a friend sent me a poem she had read at her grandmother’s celebration of life on the weekend. Then I received a poem from Steve’s amazing Aunt M.

Here’s the first one:

Here’s the second one:

The Watcher
by Margaret Widdemer (1884-1978)
She always leaned to watch for us,
Anxious if we were late,
In winter by the window,
In summer by the gate.

And though we mocked her tenderly,
Who had such foolish care,
The long way home would seem more safe
Because she waited there.

Her thoughts were all so full of us,
She never could forget!
And so I think that where she is
She must be watching yet.

Waiting till we come home to her,
Anxious if we are late,
Watching from Heaven’s window,
Leaning on Heaven’s gate.

Thanks you two for thinking of me and for loving me with words. Xoxo

"Be" ENOUGH

Tag Archives: poetry

Be Going Under

Be Living with Memories

Be Purple Footed

Be a Butterfly

Be Having Nothing to Give (choo choo!)

Be Painting the Walls Orange?

Be Going Underground

Be Sharing Poems

"Be a human BEING, not a human doing!"