Went for a hike up Knox Mountain today.
I was so grateful to have mom’s other pair of Yak Trax underneath my running shoes.
Why are they called Yak Trax?
Why isn’t mom walking beside me?
Yup, still in the ‘what the hell happened stage!’.
And who is this almost forty year old looking at me. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
I have had an incredibly encouraging and heartfelt day with many new ‘God’ moments. I am full of gratitude. I feel ready to come back to the blogging world to reach out and share this journey once again.
God has been revealin Himself to me through lying down, rest, coincidences, nature (especially sunsets), His word, music, memories and now through simple everyday living.
He is alive.
I am back!
Renewed and new.
Hurting and humble.
Grateful.
🌀 Last night, I had my first dream about my mom. She told me she was going to travel around the world with her friend Sherry and my dad’s friend Oscar. (No idea why these two friends came up… but I have incomplete understanding of many things these days.)
🌀 A friend, A, sent me this book:
(Note the butterfly on the cover. A gift from God just for our family?)
🌀 I saw a friend’s daughter walking down the road. Another great gift as I am mourning never seeing my people from Vtown on a daily basis.
🌀 CC decided to take his Nana toque out if the bag that I gave out on December 21st.
🌀 A new friend shared that her close friend’s two year old son died in his sleep. I cried with her and was able to recommend some good grief books.
🌀 For the first time, I noticed that a card that my friends sent from Vtown had butterflies all over it. Butterflies have become very significant for our family around my mom’s death.
The card has been sitting above my sink but I hadn’t even noticed the butterflies.
🌀 God gave me this word from a bible study I have been doing:
“Forget about what’s happened. Don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand new. It’s bursting out, don’t you see it?”(Isaiah 43:18-19)
🌀 I have finally decided to open the Christmas gift my mom bought for me, wrapped for me and wrote a tag on all while enduring cancer. I am full of gratitude.
I feel newness in my journey. I sense God has given me new eyes to see with my heart. I feel a deepening. I wonder what all of this newness will entail.
Wallpaper.
Words.
Helping cancer patients.
Holidays.
A new policy for doctors.
My people.
I exist in a world I never knew nor imagined.
I ponder my mom’s depth of knowing, her presence in all our lives and her amazing Sunday dinners.
I wait for my mom to walk through door and say, “Hi Joanna!”
I wonder how did she die and really what the hell happened.
I think about snowflakes, butterflies and my mom’s final smile.
I talk to the people that know our story, my dad, my cousins, my close friends.
I walk away from my old ways, my old complaints, the things that no longer serve me.
I hide from sympathy. I hide from shallow words and frivolous complaints.
I sit still and rest. Feeling my body for the first time in many months.
I watch, I look for some sort of sign. A sign from heaven.
I hover, waiting to see what unfolds.
I know I will be okay today and that is enough!
2009
Ah, dear friends, my heart aches tonight.
My heart aches for my dad who has lost his wife. His retired plans shattered.
My mind hurts for my children who will not be able to experience my mom’s continual thoughtfulness, laughter and excitement for birthdays, back to school and activities.
My body is numb thinking about our future without my mom.
BUT today it also hurts for a lovely woman God has brought into our lives through our children’s schools.
We moved in the summer to KCity, the next day mom was diagnosed with cancer, 5 hospital visits, about 27 days overall in the hospital and mom dying on Boxing Day sums up the last five months. Ah ya, also must add in unpacking a new house, finding activities for the boys, where to get stamps, two weeks of pneumonia for me plus a family bout of stomach flu.
Back to today! S, the lovely lady works at JC’s school. I ran into her today as i went into the main building to drop off a cheque. She was her usual bubbly self and she threw out, “How was your Christmas?”
My mind stopped. My throat went dry. I thought to myself, am I going to be honest or give the canned answer of “Fine, how was yours?”
I looked at her genuine smile and realized only the truth would do. I answered, “Not great! My mom died!” Her empathy was immediate and caring. She rolled with my answer and didn’t flee (like my neighbours have been doing).
She provided a moment to sit with me in my grief. What a gift from a very lovely woman.
Thank you S! I hope I haven’t instilled a fear in her asking how people’s Christmas’s were.
My dad continues to amaze me.
In each moment, throughout his grief, he has always been thoughtful of who he needs to say thank you to. He has exemplified gratitude through taking the time to express his heartfelt thanks.
With editing help from myself and my sister, my dad managed to get this thank you into this mornings paper. Incredible!
The hardest part of this process was that he was afraid he would forget to thank someone.
Today, I am feeling sad but filled with gratitude for all my people in PG, Williams Lake, Summerland,Calgary, Edmonton, Vietnam, Kamloops, Kelowna, Spain, Germany, Cowichan Bay, Dawson City, Vancouver Lumby, Coldstream and here in Vernon where I currently row my boat of grief.
💓
Envelopes.
Names.
Pen.
Sentiments.
Hand written notes.
Flowing with love.
Overflowing with tears.
Thank you.
Dear friends.
Friend’s parents.
University roommates.
Co-workers.
Neighbours.
Sexy Neck taking time.
Even more at Papa’s house.
Blessed in our grief.
Standing not alone.
Cards.
Pouring out love.
(Where’s Joanna hidden in this post? Laughing at myself!)
More about grief if you need it, I sure do!
"Be" ENOUGH 