Mom is resting today after her first 4 1/2 hour chemotherapy session.
The painkillers and anti-nausea medications are being injected at regular intervals.
I feel fortunate to be here to help mom put her swollen feet into her sandals, rub cream on her itchy back, checkout the hospital food before she looks at it and be here resting in her presence.
My mom has had her pain and nausea under control for the last two days.
On Friday, she was moved into a private room on the women’s and children’s floor in the new hospital tower. It like a hotel compared to the hell hole she was in before. (Sorry I have racked my brain and I can’t think of another descriptor for her four person room in an incredibly busy ward.)
I am starting to move out of flight and fright status or “game face” as my sister and I call it. I feel my body relaxing. I am feeling my body again. Man I am hungry.
The exceptional nurses on this floor have everything under control. Our amazing angel Dr. Daniels has been checking on mom. Yesterday she visited three times.
Dr. Daniels talking with mom and dad this morning.
Moms blood clot in her lung is dissolving, her bowels are moving and she even walked down the hall today.
My boys feel loved surrounded by all their cousins, aunts and uncles even though their mama is at the hospital many hours and is a tad bit distracted and teary.
God is good.
But none of this makes sense.
We continue to live in shades of grey, but I continue to reach down into the roots God has established for me in His word and with my family and friends.
” And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
Bring on the chemo.
May we all know the fullness of God and just how wide, long, deep and high Christ’s love is.
As I have just started my new careers as a nurse and pharmacist, I am seeing the importance of taking notes.
I feel like I am learning a new language, and a new way of understanding. Science was never my strong point, but I am working very hard to understand what the doctors and nurses are telling me. I would do anything for my mom. Luckily, I can rely on my sister’s notes.
My sister, the lawyer, models this note taking well.
You go girl!
I hate hospitals!
I love my mom sooo much!
Extremely grateful for my dad and my sister here. We are a great diverse team.
Encouraged by my hubbies support for me and love of our boys.
Lifted up by my prayer pillars all over the world.
God help us!
That’s it that’s all!
I am flat on my face humbled.
For a few days now I have been worried about: my mom not eating enough, the potential of her mixing up her plethora of medications and the impending diagnosis of the origin of her cancer.
Today, my mom spent the morning at the hospital because was dehydrated! It was so bad that her kidney function was being compromised.
Didn’t see that one coming!
A simple reminder that I am not in control and that I need to “let go and let God”.
Thank you to my prayer warriors who propped us up this morning. I couldn’t have gone through this without you.
One. Moment. At. A. Time.
Cancer, I have a few questions for you that I want to ask you:
Why can’t the doctors find your origin?
Why are you wreaking havoc on my mom’s body?
The bloating. Pain. Discomfort. Hardness in her belly. The new aches and pains. The sleeplessness. Pain.
I am mad! If only they could find the origin they could then treat the cancer. Did you know that if you have cancer that began in the uterus that is also in the lung that the cancer in your lung is not lung cancer? Nope that cancer in there would be uterine cancer cells.
These are the little tidbits that I am finding out as we wait and wait and wait to find out where this cancer started. It is only when we know where it begun that treatment can begin.
Now what am I taking from all this? My life has become very small. My husband, my boys, my parents and a few very close friends.
Sorry new neighbours I will have to get to know you when this is all over. Sorry friends on the fringe, you fell off my rattley old turnip truck. Sorry relatives that I infrequently talk to, you too will have to wait.
What else can I take from this, every day is important! I love sitting by my mom in her bed while she rests. I love seeing my boys there too! I love hearing her laugh and man do I love to tease her. Every moment is special. Every moment has meaning. Every breath has hope. With God anything is possible.
May The Lord bless and keep my mama in this time of pain.
Yup, cancer. The big C. The beast. The indiscriminate illness. One of our worst nightmares. I am talking about you little c-a-n-c-e-r.
First, I want to introduce you to my mama. She’s magnificent. Really magnificent. She celebrated her seventieth birthday in a March. In April, she rode in a Tour de France training Camp for two weeks riding sometimes 90 kms per day. She even fell off her bike three times.
Yup, that’s my mom, she’s one tough, athletic, caring and beautiful woman.
She came from a small farming town where she rode a horse to school. She is resilient.
She loved helping her dad around the farm rather than hanging out with her mom in the kitchen. She is strong.
She was a leader at school as well as an academic and basketball star. She is all around smart.
She put herself through University to become an excellent teacher and then she gave up her career when my sister and I came along. She is passionate and compassionate.
She went back to work once I hit school and she managed to do it all – work, home cooked meals, travel, organize our lives, plan fabulous parties and I could go on. She can do it all!
Cancer, I almost forgot to tell you, if my mom is feeling tired and weary from trying to cast you away. She’s got my dad at her side. Her knight. Her partner in crime. No cracks have I seen in their 42 years of marriage. He’s even put his golf clubs on the shelf, so watch out. He is a force!
Plus you’ve got to add one power into this “thing” you are trying to do in my mom’s body – God. My sister and I plus our hubbies, we know Jesus. We know his power to heal and transform lives. You bet we will have our mom and dad covered with prayer. We know the angels will be sitting by her beside. We will also be by my mom’s side to love her up and keep her going, especially with a few good books, reality tv shows and neck kisses.
And if that ain’t enough, we have got family and friends all over the world ready to kick your butt. Special niece in Spain, nephew up north, siblings to the east/south and friends in PG, Vtown, Western Canada, Australia, and 100 Mile. You don’t know who you are dealing with.
So, cancer now that you’ve met my mom, and her team brace yourself because you aren’t going to know what hit you! And we haven’t even met her medical team yet!
Hmpppff, we are two months and ten days into a six week renovation project. We bought a “smokers” house. Here and here are the sordid details. It has been a difficult process for me. More of the groaning and moaning here. But nothing compares to the constant not knowing of the “mass” that lays in my mama’s abdomen.
Here’s my mom!
As we have been renovating, we have been living with my parents in their basement. (No we don’t play video games!)
I have been completely baffled watching my mom in pain, on the couch or in her bed.
MY MOM RODE HER BIKE IN SPAIN IN APRIL WITH PEOPLE TRAINING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE! MY MOM WAS RIDING 90KMS PER DAY. MY MOM EVEN FELL OFF HER BIKE THREE TIMES! HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING? Now my yelling will stop, sorry about that.
Anyways, the ebb and flow of my parents lives has changed into this every day living of “unknowing”. Unknowing of whether my mom will get out of bed or will be able to fall asleep. Not knowing what she will want to eat that day. Unknowing of how to help or not to help depending on what she needs. When to sit beside her and when to step aside.
I am living between two words right now, the one we are trying to create in our new home 60kms down the lake and my life here living with my parents and trying to support my mom and dad through their pain and grief.
Every day though, I have hope. Hope knowing that God does know. Hope knowing that He has placed people around me who can empathize, who really listen and hear what I am trying to convey. I have hope that God wants to prosper us all, not by the words standards, but by His!
Glory to God alone. It’s okay that I don’t know. It is going to be very interesting to see how everything works out.
(This post has been percolating for awhile in my hamster wheel brain and I pray that it conveys the strength of my parents, the shock of this illness and the hope we place in God. )
"Be" ENOUGH 