Be Going Back to the Laundry Room

The pull of the dirty, messy clothes.

I am a mess!

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The rhythm of the washing machine.

I crave this rhythm!

The quiet cave in the bottom of my house.

I find this time!

A place to rest.

A place to cry.

A place to be.

The first place I went to once we returned to our house after my mom died. (Read at your own risk!)

The place I return to.

Daily.

Allowing myself to feel deeply.

Being filled with my grief.

Sitting in it.

The boat of grief amongst the waves of sorrow.

My feelings are deep.

But I am full of gratitude for these feelings.

For this time of being.

Allowing these feelings to not turn to anger, bitterness or other things that will tie me down.

Each day is a continual letting go.

A releasing.

A moving forward, while grieving the past.

The gift of grief.

I painted this during the quiet of the morning after my bike ride.
Is this my mom’s chalk outline?
Mine?
My old self?
Or something all together different?
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In a stage of unknowing.

Being patient with myself and others.

Giving grace.

Receiving it.

Just being exactly where I am.

In the laundry room

Be Going Under

The waves pour over me.

The grief is profoundly painful.

Tears flows readily.

One year ago, my mom went into the hospital in excruciating pain.

Seventeen days she spent there.

The first time!

Our family was forever changed.

The knots that held my life together were unravelled, split apart and thrown into the fire.

Relationships changed forever.

Expectations shifted.

Pain.

Anguish.

Out of control.

Life. 20140803-220404-79444078.jpg

I will walk through my grief.

I will keep moving.

I know my strength, my weaknesses, my failings, my ways…

I will reach up towards the friends who love and accept me.

I will ride my bike.

I will give myself time and grace.

I will lie down when I need to.

I will not use food to soothe my soul.

I will not watch the news.

I will not put this on my boys.

I will not put my heart into a place where I could be wounded.

I will continue to deal with my stuff.

I will continue to loosen the rope, letting go of expectations.

I will cry.

I will seek God.

I will keep my eyes open for the light.

I will hold on as I go under.

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Be Proud

Today my heart swells with pride as I see how my community encourages children.

I am proud of my children’s efforts, genuine inspiration and creativity.

My heart overflows abundantly with gratitude.

For opportunity.

Effort.

Ability to read.

Having free libraries.

And really cool things for kids.

My boys, following my newly acquired love, have started watercolour painting. They have each entered a painting into an Exhibition. 20140801-225315-82395870.jpg

20140801-225333-82413052.jpgThey are very excited to take their grandparents.

On the same day, we walked across the street to our Public Library to hand in our finished reading logs. The boys got a medal and a free book. They were overjoyed.

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Day by day.

Painting.

Reading.

Together.

With a goal in mind.

Or just because.

Coming from within.

To share with the outside world.

Beautiful painting.

Wonderful words.

Treasured boys.

What a gift they are!

What a wonderful community we live in.

Be Awed by the Snowbirds

Tonight, the boys and I watched some talented people share their gifts. For me, it was a blast from the past as I remember watching the Snowbirds at the PG airport.

Here are the boys in the 36 degree heat ready to watch the show over the lake. JC had great insight to bring chairs. 20140730-234246-85366511.jpg
Here come the Snowbirds:

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There they go…

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Zooooom…

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Earlier in the day, we had to drop Sexy Neck off at the airport. We were able to catch a glimpse of the Snowbirds one the ground.

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How fortunate are we?

It was a Snowbird day!

Talented people sharing their gifts.

Precise.

Flying.

Teamwork.

Communication.

What a show!

Thank you for the memory Snowbirds.

Be a Boot Camper

I am in a season of beginnings.  

Living daily with loss.

A time of rebirth.

Renewal. 

Playing on the teeter-totter, bars and with rubber balls.

I am going to boot camp with Krista King! 

Where’s Joanna? I am the lady in blue!  

IMG_4353 IMG_4352 Thank you Krista for taking and sharing these pictures.   IMG_4358IMG_4351IMG_4355   IMG_4357

A new KCity friend invited me to go to boot camp with her back in April.

I was intrigued because it was outside either at a beach or in a park.  I had heard through the grapevine that the instructor, Krista King, was a pilates-trained instructor with a heart for health and exercise.  

When I first tried boot camp, I would describe my body as a marshmallow.   After packing, moving, loving my mom through cancer, watching her die and living through profound grief, I had gained a momentous forty pounds on my six foot frame.  I was embarrassed at what I had allowed my athletic body to go through.   I was in the obese section for my height.

The first day of boot camp, I didn’t know if I would be able to run.  I knew that I couldn’t do a sit-up.  I wondered how sore I would be. 

I was pleasantly surprised.  I worked hard, but at my own pace.  I tried everything, but knew that there was no pressure to do so.  Krista King created an environment that was positive, athletically challenging for every body and it was fun to move my body in a variety of ways.  I had difficulty walking up stairs two days later, but it was well worth it and just reminded me to stretch.  

Now, three months later, I am fifteen pounds lighter and feeling like I can do anything.  I continue going to boot camp once or twice per week as well as riding my bike and doing Jillian Michaels DVD’s to help me recover and get ready for the next boot camp.    

Boot camp.

Butt kick.

Into gear,

Moving.

Shaking.

Energized.

Encouraged.

Inspired by the right instructor for me.

Finding my feet.

Firmly placed.

With God’s guidance.

 It is only the beginning.  

 

Be Hearing Night Night from Nana

I looked out the car window and saw the sun setting through the cloud. I exclaimed, “A slice of heaven!”

Almost three year old OC said, “Nana in heaven!”

Then we had a family discussion on what being dead means.

OC piped up, “Nana talk to me.”

Our seven year old added, “She talks to me too!”

I asked them what does she say.

OC said, “Night night. From her house in heaven.”

Enough said.

Night night everyone. 20140725-212805-77285465.jpg

Be Eating Nana Jam

Each day my boys talk about their beloved Nana and share their sadness deeply and quickly. They are wonderful teachers on how to sit in your grief.

We have many reminders about mom.

Yesterday, we saw a bike that looked just like Nana’s.

Tonight, Jackson read the label on his quilt my mom made when he was two.

Today, we rested on our Nana Cabana beside the pool.

At lunch, we ate Nana jam. 20140722-232208-84128304.jpgLovingly handmade last year in July, while mom was in pain but we still had no idea what was coming. Careful labelled and left for us to enjoy.

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Perfect with homemade spelt baking powder biscuits. OC was my helper.

Beautiful memories.

Delicious jam.

Great gifts.

Pure love.

Heartfelt joy.

Pure sadness.

Sweet strawberry jam.

Thanks mom!

I love you!

"Be a human BEING, not a human doing!"