Category Archives: Grief

christmas, Grief, Jesus Christ

Be Filled with JOY

December 25, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

I think many people are quite curious about me in this season of grief and remembering wrapped up with Christmas.

Curious as to my state of mind.

Wondering how I am doing.

I think I may ‘appear’ to be too happy for some people in my life.

But I am here to tell you I am not happy about many things…and my life has nothing to do with happiness right now.

For me, joy comes with or without happiness.

It hits me no matter my daily circumstance or season.

Joy is not from me, but a gift from God.

Gratitude, love, joy!

Flooding me, pouring out, flowing in.

It is nothing I am ‘doing’.

I am just ‘being’.

Being present with the people God has surrounded me with.

Allowing my sadness to hit me.

It is one year, less one day, since my mom’s death.

One more ‘first’ to live without mom.

In my sadness, I know JOY will be coming.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10)

Leaning into Him through my struggles.

Thanking Him for ALL I am grateful for.

Watching JOY fill this season.

Merry ‘joy-filled’ Christmas to you and yours.

christmas, Family, Grief

Be Going on a Ski Vacation

December 23, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

We had the great privilege to spend three days and two nights up at a ski resort. Ski in/ski out, eat in/eat out, ride up/swoosh down, sunshine/snow. It truly was a vacation for all of us, including Papa.

A break from routine.

A diversion from the upcoming one year anniversary of mom leaving us for heaven.

A snow-filled, sun-filled, winter-activity weekend.

Our great friends, Baron Bob and Princess P came and visited us for the evening. The boys went tubing with them for the first time and even go to try the mini-snowmobiles (one day later, once the worker could get them started!)

Nordic skiing down the Bridal Path where we saw snowmobiles, horse-drawn carriages and a few other skiers.

Playing some hockey on the pond with Papa. Everyone got into the action this year!

Tubing… three year old OC looked a little small for the tube, but he was allowed.

The boys were very, very excited to go on the mini-snowmobiles. JC ran into a snow fence, CC managed to zip around him and come back around the loop.

It was a wonderful pre-Christmas vacation!

May the Lord hold you close this Christmas where ever you are physically and within yourself.

What a wonderful season it is to celebrate Jesus’s birthday.

cancer, Christianity, Grief

Be Running Two Programs

December 13, 2014 Be Enough 3 Comments

My computer has been getting awfully slow.

Painfully.

Mindnumbing.

Slow.

I sit and wait and then I realized that there was another program running behind the program that I was trying to use.

So very frustrating.

But I sit.

I slow down.

I ponder.

HEY!!!!!

This is exactly how I feel right now.

I am running two programs.

The first program I will call, “Daily Life”.

Making lunches.

Taking the boys here and there.

Saying hello to people in the drop-off at school.

Attending Christmas concerts.

Answering emails from friends.

Baking cookies.

Doing my work as a teacher.

Living “Daily Life”.

As Christmas approaches and the one year anniversary of the death of my beautiful Mama, I have a second program that is starting to take up more and more space in my body, soul and mind as I try to run the program “Daily Life”.

This program called “Grief” is similar to when mom first died.

It is painful.

Mindnumbing.

It is slowing me down.

I am remembering things from last year that I hadn’t before.

Conversations.

People visiting the hospital and hospice house.

I am feeling things deeply.

I am letting this “Grief” program do its thing.

As this background program runs it makes the “Daily Life” program slower, yet more meaningful.

I sit more.

I watch.

I ponder.

I have more patience.

I am kinder.

More loving.

I savour sunsets.

I am in awe more and teary more often.

Everything tastes better.

I feel things in “Daily Life” more deeply.

My life is rich with these two programs running.

Yes, I am tired.

But, I am living deeply.

Leaning into my Lord.

My Dada God.

My Personal Saviour.

He is my rock.

The ultimate Programmer who will bring purpose to my pain.

Meaning to my mess.

Wholeness to my broken heart.

He will redeem this hole that was created when my Mama went to heaven.

I love her deeply.

I miss her dearly.

I am blessed.

I am whole with my hole and my two programs running.

Thank you “Daily Life” and “Grief”.

What programs are you running today?

Boys, christmas, Grief

Be Three Turtles by a Tree

December 12, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Life is very simple around our house these days.

Little to no shopping.

Simple meals.

Family time.

Outside play.

Inside creativity.

Sexy Neck is very busy work. The boys have many ‘special’ events at school. I continue to row my boat of grief, remembering last December’s hospital and hospice journey with my mom and her leaving this earth on Boxing Day.

We are weary and tired!

Today, on this eleventh day of December, we had three turtle doves by our tree…

I wonder when the partridge will show up in her pear tree? Who wrote the twelves day of Christmas and how did turtles get involved? I bet that children in Tupperware bins inspired the song. (And maybe a bottle of wine?)

Simple days.

Family time.

Creative boys.

Laughter.

Inspired by a song.

And Tupperware bins.

May we all enjoy the little moments this Christmas season. Life’s BEST times are a series of little moments treasured as gifts.

What a gift we were given this evening to watch our three turtle doves!

Family, Grief, writing

Be the Power of One

December 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

One word.

One email.

One step.

One blog comment.

One moment.

I am touched in this season by the power of the people around me.

The thoughtfulness of the people around me.

The consistent encouraging comments by Levi on my blog showing me God’s love.

The great communication from friends from afar helping me feel connected.

The cookies dropped off at my door helped feed my brood of boys a special snack.

The incredible emails I have received which move me spiritually and encourage me greatly.

Below is just one example from my friend, ‘Shell’.

Here are her words:

This morning I awoke to read your blog
Needing to connect amidst the fog

Thanks for sharing your journey of grief
The sea of emotion beyond belief

What have I learned since from you, dear friend?
That your Mama loved you unconditional… right to the end

What a treasure she is and heaven’s now richer
Though I wonder why God doesn’t explain that when we turn to scripture

Please know, dear friend, that I care for deep
And this morning I read your blog and began to weep

Thank you for sharing and remaining transparent
About life, love and being a parent

Have you ever read such beautiful, resonating, encouraging words?

Can you be someone’s power of one today?

Will you see the work of One Great God in your own life?

I am a walking testimony to God’s great goodness and love. I am a testimony to the power of the people whom God surrounds us with when we are most vulnerable and humbled.

God, Grief

Be an Across the Street Neighbour

December 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I am walking upright.

In my comfy clothes.

Intentional about what I do.

Who’s paths I cross.

How much time I spend running around is limited.

I am quiet inside.

My grief is fatiguing.

Day after day, tears flow easily.

The depth of deep loss.

The beauty of great love.

Today, unexpectantly, I was ‘touched’ by two neighbours: L and J from Vtown and ‘Kind K’ from our new hood.

After school, I took the boys skating to the outdoor rink by the lake. It was
more like skate/swimming as it was ten degrees out. We had a great time. We were amazed when we saw these two faces stroll by:

Professional pumpkin carvers.

Across the street neighbours.

Card sharks.

Wine lovers.

Great friends.

Dearly missed neighbours.

After skating, I walked in our front door and immediately heard a knock on the door behind me. It was our new neighbour from across the street. She brought me these:

She lost her mom to cancer two years ago and she just wanted me to know she was thinking about us as we head into this Christmas season.

The power of neighbours.

The power of thought.

The power of being.

Being a neighbour, there is nothing like it!

I am grateful.

I am humbled.

I am hopeful.

christmas, Family, Grief

Be A Man – Part V

December 4, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

I love my man! We have ‘grown up’ together, and lived more than half our lives together.

For today, I will leave it at that because I have a Christmas ditty to share.

Last night at my grief seminar, they talked about family traditions and taking the time to re-evaluate what we do at Christmas time.

This afternoon I applied this by talking to the boys about what they really love to do at Christmas. Our youngest loved cookies, our five year old said stockings and our oldest said ‘tree’. I asked what he meant. He said that he would like to have a tree and decorate it.

In previous years, we would drive out of town to a family tree farm, have a play in the snow, some hot chocolate and cut down a tree. I ask the boys if they wanted to go to the tree farm and they emphatically yelled, “No!”. They just wanted a tree.

No commercial break here, as in steps our hero…. My man is driving home from work, we call him and ask him on speaker phone, “Dada, can you bring us a Christmas tree?” No questions asked he says, “I will do my best!”

Only thirty minutes later, Sexy Neck shows up like this:

And the does this:

And also this:

All with his tie and work clothes still on.

Creating blessed family traditions.

One unexpected day at a time.

With my hardworking, flexible man.

And what a man he is!

Family, Grief

Be an Overcomer

December 3, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

There are some things in my life that bring me to a full sweaty mess.

There are many more things that bring me to my knees in a puddle of tears or a need to vomit.

Tonight it was tears.

I went back to Hospice House where my mom died, with dad at her side, on December 26th.

I felt a pull to go back, but also a humbling fear that brought me to tears. I knew that I needed to do this for myself. I knew I needed to overcome my overwhelming feelings of grief and love, despair and compassion that Hospice House brings up for me.

I drove my car north followed by a bright, clear moon and clean roads, as I did many times last fall visiting mom and dad.

I arrived at Hospice House.

I entered the very familiar building and went to a chair to await the seminar about grief and the holidays. I tried not to look too hard, but it was the same.

Beautiful spaces

Christmas decorations

Warmth

Love

Healing

I sat. I cried. I listened to great strategies on Christmas in the midst of grief.

I wrote a card with my mom’s name on it and placed it on the memory tree.

I had some juice and cookies and took a wander down the hall to room number eight.

Yup, it’s still there.

Yup, mom still isn’t.

Unless she’s now a man. A bald-headed one.

Nope, no mom here on earth.

A checked out the fish tank down the hall.

I walked back to the living room and put another name on the tree for my Auntie Gail. I remembered her putting her son, Michael, on the memory tree last Christmas. My cousin was killed in a motor vehicle accident many years ago. I put Michael’s tag on the tree and told him how much his mom loves him.

And then I walked out.

An Overcomer of my emotions.

An Overcomer of fear.

An Overcomer of doing the hard stuff.

Overcome.

Overcame.

Overcomer.

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"Be" ENOUGH