Category Archives: cancer

Be Saving a Seat for Nana

August 29, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

I am continually amazed by my children’s insight and childlike faith. I have discovered a deep understanding of the meaning when God asks us to have ‘faith like a child’.

Last night, I shared about the storm that exists for me in my rowboat of grief. I choose to show my grief to Sexy Neck, a few close friends and privately in my laundry room. I don’t expect my children to heal me, distract me or provide for my emotional well being. I sit with them in their grief but don’t expect them to sit with me in mine. But I am always surprised at how God uses them to teach me.

After I wrote yesterday’s blog post, the boys came to get Sexy Neck and I to watch a show. Wasn’t I surprised when I saw three chairs waiting for the ‘Up and Down’ show. The boys seated us and exclaimed as they pointed to the middle chair, “This one is for Nana!”
Nana always loved watching the boys shows, school performances and activities.

Childlike faith.

Ever present Nana.

God’s blessing.

Peace.

Love.

cancer, Grief

Be in a Stormy Time

August 28, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

As the rain pounds the grass in our backyard, so my heart pounds as I think of the past year.

Mom.

Cancer.

Hospital.

Hospice.

Sun.

Tea.

Teaching.

Love.

I am in awe of the blessings that have been poured out over our family as well as the devastation we have faced. Our family’s foundation has been rocked and the house is not the same. The death of my mom, our matriach, our organizer, our connector has helped dissolve many relationships and I have been set free.

Free from judgement of who I was.

Free from expectation.

Free from trying to be someone else.

Free to be me!

Today, I sit, lay, kneel, stand in awe knowing that this storm in my rowboat of grief will end. I have learned this well in the last eight months. I know that the deepness that I feel will continue to keep me rooted and grounded. And I know that those people God has placed around me will continue to pray, think positive thoughts, remember my mom and will be journeying with us.

One thing that strikes me differently today, is thoughts about mom’s funeral. This funeral that we literally threw together trying to represent my mom’s love and character. My mom’s funeral that had mementos along the walls, food at the back, people sitting and children playing. Mom’s paddleboard and bike sat against a tree on the beach waiting… waiting… waiting.

Perhaps this is a deep time because on Monday, my dad, the boys and I took mom’s paddleboard out for a spin on Kal Lake for the VERY FIRST TIME! It was hard and rich… just like life!

I am full of gratitude for my family and friends who continue to walk this journey with me. I am in awe of everyone that stopped their Christmas vacations and spent December 29th, 2013 celebrating my mom.

These photos were provided by my dear friend, Princess Penny:

Here are a few of my “Salty Friends”:

My two wonderful cousins who have been rocks for me over the last year. Our family has loved the time we have gotten to spend with them in the last eight months.

Just a few of my parents “Salty Friends”!

The children were blessed at mom’s funeral with an outpouring of love, surrounded by incredible people with special toys and balloon animals.

And of course, lastly stands my Sexy Neck!

My man!

My love.

My pillar of strength.

Life is devastating at time, rich always and connected to those around us.

Foundations may crack in the storm.

Houses may crumble.

People will stand together and alone in goodness and grief.

God will weave everything together for Good!

I am blessed this stormy day!

cancer, Grief, writing

Be Going Under

August 4, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

The waves pour over me.

The grief is profoundly painful.

Tears flows readily.

One year ago, my mom went into the hospital in excruciating pain.

Seventeen days she spent there.

The first time!

Our family was forever changed.

The knots that held my life together were unravelled, split apart and thrown into the fire.

Relationships changed forever.

Expectations shifted.

Pain.

Anguish.

Out of control.

Life.

I will walk through my grief.

I will keep moving.

I know my strength, my weaknesses, my failings, my ways…

I will reach up towards the friends who love and accept me.

I will ride my bike.

I will give myself time and grace.

I will lie down when I need to.

I will not use food to soothe my soul.

I will not watch the news.

I will not put this on my boys.

I will not put my heart into a place where I could be wounded.

I will continue to deal with my stuff.

I will continue to loosen the rope, letting go of expectations.

I will cry.

I will seek God.

I will keep my eyes open for the light.

I will hold on as I go under.

cancer, Grief, Parenting

Be Eating Nana Jam

July 23, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

Each day my boys talk about their beloved Nana and share their sadness deeply and quickly. They are wonderful teachers on how to sit in your grief.

We have many reminders about mom.

Yesterday, we saw a bike that looked just like Nana’s.

Tonight, Jackson read the label on his quilt my mom made when he was two.

Today, we rested on our Nana Cabana beside the pool.

At lunch, we ate Nana jam. Lovingly handmade last year in July, while mom was in pain but we still had no idea what was coming. Careful labelled and left for us to enjoy.

Perfect with homemade spelt baking powder biscuits. OC was my helper.

Beautiful memories.

Delicious jam.

Great gifts.

Pure love.

Heartfelt joy.

Pure sadness.

Sweet strawberry jam.

Thanks mom!

I love you!

cancer, Family, writing

Be Saying ‘Thank You’ to my Mom’s CFUW friends

July 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I have talked before about my salty people. As my mom and dad journeyed through cancer, I got to see first hand the saltiness of their friends.

Yesterday, I was fortunate to help my dad host a group of my mom’s favourite people at their house overlooking the lake.

All of these women belong to the CFUW. (Canadian Federation of University Women)

Mom moved full time to Vtown when JC, our oldest, was three months old in July of 2007. Over the years as mom and I talked about all the amazing people she was meeting hiking, biking, quilting, volunteering or even her next door neighbour, mom always expressed “oh she’s in CFUW too!” They are everywhere.

“Where are Nana’s friends?”

I have taken up riding my bike very early in the morning. For those who know me well, you are probably lying on the floor laughing or passed out, as you know I not a morning person nor much of a long distance bike rider. I feel close to my mom in the quiet mornings as the pedals crank and hear the birds. I also love seeing who is out and about as well as exploring this new city. Earlier this week, I chose a random street along the lake and you will never guess what I saw. A sign stating:

The CFUW are everywhere, even taking care of a street along the lake.

During my mom’s cancer journey, her CFUW friends were everywhere. They provided food delivered to hospice for our family, picked up boxes of books to be donated, just because I asked. They provided close conversation and space for mom to be herself. They brought pictures to uplift and stories to comfort. This group of women did everything they could for my family and especially my dear mom.

At the Vancouver Peace Summit in 2009, the Dalai Lama foretold that Western women will save the world. After watching my mom’s CFUW friends, I believe him.

With gratitude,

For all the gifts,

Giving freely and lovingly,

Over the course of this last year!

To a group of women,

Who gave these gifts,

Of themselves, through themselves,

Independently and collectively,

Thank you from the bottom of my family’s hearts and stomachs!

Boys, cancer, Family, Grief, writing

Be Writing Thank You Notes to New Neighbours

May 22, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

As, Jimmy Fallon from The Tonight Show, sits down to write his own thank you notes, I decided to write thank you notes to our new neighbourhood.

Thank you to Jimmy for the inspiration. Here are this evening’s thank you notes by Jimmy. This is my personal twist of sarcasm at its best! Some points are exaggerated for comedic effect, unfortunately most points are not.

🌀Thank you neighbour for leaving your garbage can, recycling can and compost bin at the curb ALL WEEK LONG. We love watching you put your garbage out in your housecoat as well as watch your kids friend’s play bumper cars with the bins as they try to park their cars beside them.

🌀Thank you neighbour for parking your semi-truck on our street every Thursday to Saturday and driving away without any lights on like we don’t see you.

🌀Thank you neighbour for bringing your son over to play then leaving him at our house for two hours fifteen minutes after we met you. We can see why you needed the break.

🌀Thank you neighbour for calling me by the wrong name every morning at exactly 8:15 when you come out to walk your dog. My name is hard to remember, as it is the same as yours.

🌀Thank you neighbour for not smoking inside your house. We appreciate the stench in our yard and throughout our house, especially when you decide to pull out the ‘pot’.

🌀Thank you neighbour for asking my son if he’s “skipping school” when you saw him at home on a school day. Uhhhh, he was sick and he’s six. He had no idea what you were talking about.

🌀Thank you neighbour for standing on your porch in your white undershirt just staring into our yard.

🌀Thank you other neighbour for walking very slowly down our back fence, like you are doing the wedding march with the groom standing in the middle of our backyard. Next time just pop over for a look so that you don’t hurt your neck.

🌀Thank you neighbour for taking off your dog’s leash as you approach our houses so that it can urinate on our lawn then bark at our dog at our gate. Thank you for finally not allowing your dog to come into our house anymore.

🌀Thank you neighbour for telling me that my mom just gave up and wanted to die. I guess the millions of cancer cells multiplying had nothing to do with it.

🌀Thank you neighbour for using pesticides to kill the weeds on the edge of our lawn bordering your property. My boys sperm count thank you.

🌀Speaking of boys, thank you neighbour for exclaiming in front of my family of four boys the very first time we met you, “Oh, I was hoping you were going to have little girls!” Welcome to my family of big boys. (Now perhaps stunted due to your pesticide use).

cancer, God, Grief

Be Reflective About the Last Year

April 22, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

Last Saturday as I was folding laundry, yet again, I cried out in anguish as the waves continued to pound me down. I cried out to Jesus, “I need a friend and I need someone now! Please Jesus save me!”

As I finished my last sentence, a car pulled up in front of my house. It was a very good friend from my first days in Vtown and paddling. She was driving past and had to stop in. She threw me a life preserver as I grabbed her and bawled my eyes out. She saved me from drowning. Her small action helped me tremendously. It brought me back to my life and got me thinking about the last year.

Last night, I went for a hike around my favourite mountain with an old volleyball friend and now new neighbour. We got a good sweat on and my mind worked a few things out. Throughout my life, I have found moving my body quite often moves my mind into new thoughts and patterns. I have the tendency to get on ‘the hamster wheel’ in my mind when I am worried about a relationship and situation. Exercise helps me to spin those thoughts right out of my hamster wheel.

After my hike up Knox last night, I spent time hanging out in my holy laundry room folding laundry. I love this disorganized, warm place where I can let my thoughts ‘hangout’. Since the day I laid on my laundry room floor this space has become a safe place for me. I find that as I grieve there is nothing I can ‘do’ to help this process along. Each day, I go through my day and I never know when the next wave of grief will hit. This last week has been pure torture for me. It started off seeing my son’s birthday card with only ‘Papa’ signed at the bottom. The first card without Nana’s name on it. This started the pounding waves of grief as things kept coming up day after day. I couldn’t catch a breathe. The waves in this storm kept pounding away.

I couldn’t get over how things have changed since April 2013.

One year ago:
🔹living in Vtown, not KCity
🔹seeing my mom every day.
🔹mom was getting ready to go on her cycling trip to Spain
🔹my dad was still working and living in PG part time.
🔹 our close friends had just moved to the Island
🔹 our dear family friend O’Wen was just talking about moving back to PG but still living in Vtown and a huge part of our life.
🔹Our family had an incredible group of people that we would eat with, play with… PP, PB, DD, our church family…
🔹our neighbour, Lizzie, was just across the street encouraging via window phone calls and ‘street talk’.

Introducing Liz, who came to hike up Knox with me a few weeks ago before the latest wave.
🔹every day we would have one or two people drop by our house as they walked by or dropped something off.
🔹Sexy Neck was in the first year of his new job.
🔹I was going to the gym with my mom
🔹my mom and I took turns volunteering at CC’s preschool and JC’s kindergarten class.
🔹 I was involved with an incredible group of women who met in a book club once a month.
🔹A neighbourhood friend and I would prayerwalk together once a week.
🔹I attended an awesome Tuesday night bible study.
🔹I could walk downtown and ‘know’ at least three or four people.
🔹I loved visiting my ‘school’ friends at work.
🔹My mom would often pop into our backyard on her bike as she rode around town.
🔹We ate at least one meal per week with mom, and dad, if he was in town.

Now, I sit.

Alone.

A lot.

We have infrequent visitors.

A new city, school, house, neighbours, community.

Creating friendships.

Finding where to buy bread.

Yearning a life past.

Trying to find a future.

Painting.

Digging.

Talking.

Growing roots.

One day at a time.

The waves will come.

But I have learned that God will throw me a life preserver.

Through new and old friends.

Through sweat.

Through nature.

Through His Holy Spirit all around me.

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Auntie Gail

April 8, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

My mom’s sister arrived yesterday to come stay with us. Every since our oldest was born, a sure sign of spring is Auntie Gail arriving at my parents for a visit. We always looking forward to seeing her.

I have especially been grateful for her immediate willingness to come jump in with our brood of boys, her contagious laughter and depth of stories. She reminds me of my mom in so many ways – her love of her children, her thought for my children, working side-by-side with Sexy Neck drying the dishes and really just being willing to come along on our wild ride.

Auntie Gail.

Deep strength.

Huge heart.

Beautiful children.

Contagious laughter.

Here is Auntie Gail enjoying her first ever Japanese food dinner.

Auntie Gail getting settled in her room. The boys ‘helped’!

Beautiful butterfly cups she passed on to me.

Auntie Gail had us all laughing our heads off as she attempted to use the walkie talkie.

Auntie Gail brought beautiful drawing pencils and paper for the boys. They all spent many hours drawing together.

Auntie Gail read Happy Pig Day to OC while we watched CC’s gymnastics.

Auntie Gail watching our youngest at gymnastics. OC loved having her to wave up to. She watched with a big smile on her face. What a gift!

She helped us have a painting play date with friends.

We enjoyed an after dinner walk to the duck pond.

Side note:
I haven’t been back to CC’s gymnastics centre since my mom died. Five days before my mom went into the hospital in December and just over two weeks before my mom died, mom insisted that dad drive her 60 kilometres down the road so that she could watch CC and OC do gymnastics.

I knew my mom was in pain. She still insisted on getting her own blue folding chair, placing it right beside the window so that she could watch her grandsons participate in class.

She was in pain. She smiled and clapped for her grandsons.

She was stooped over but she sat up straighter every time her grandsons looked over.

Resiliency.

Love beyond comprehension.

Support.

Thank you mom. Thank you for being the most selfless Nana.

Thank you dad for supporting mom’s ideas.

Thank you Gail for passing on this loving support to my boys these days.

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