Last Saturday as I was folding laundry, yet again, I cried out in anguish as the waves continued to pound me down. I cried out to Jesus, “I need a friend and I need someone now! Please Jesus save me!”
As I finished my last sentence, a car pulled up in front of my house. It was a very good friend from my first days in Vtown and paddling. She was driving past and had to stop in. She threw me a life preserver as I grabbed her and bawled my eyes out. She saved me from drowning. Her small action helped me tremendously. It brought me back to my life and got me thinking about the last year.
Last night, I went for a hike around my favourite mountain with an old volleyball friend and now new neighbour. We got a good sweat on and my mind worked a few things out. Throughout my life, I have found moving my body quite often moves my mind into new thoughts and patterns. I have the tendency to get on ‘the hamster wheel’ in my mind when I am worried about a relationship and situation. Exercise helps me to spin those thoughts right out of my hamster wheel.
After my hike up Knox last night, I spent time hanging out in my holy laundry room folding laundry. I love this disorganized, warm place where I can let my thoughts ‘hangout’. Since the day I laid on my laundry room floor this space has become a safe place for me. I find that as I grieve there is nothing I can ‘do’ to help this process along. Each day, I go through my day and I never know when the next wave of grief will hit. This last week has been pure torture for me. It started off seeing my son’s birthday card with only ‘Papa’ signed at the bottom. The first card without Nana’s name on it. This started the pounding waves of grief as things kept coming up day after day. I couldn’t catch a breathe. The waves in this storm kept pounding away.
I couldn’t get over how things have changed since April 2013.
One year ago:
🔹living in Vtown, not KCity
🔹seeing my mom every day.
🔹mom was getting ready to go on her cycling trip to Spain
🔹my dad was still working and living in PG part time.
🔹 our close friends had just moved to the Island
🔹 our dear family friend O’Wen was just talking about moving back to PG but still living in Vtown and a huge part of our life.
🔹Our family had an incredible group of people that we would eat with, play with… PP, PB, DD, our church family…
🔹our neighbour, Lizzie, was just across the street encouraging via window phone calls and ‘street talk’.
Introducing Liz, who came to hike up Knox with me a few weeks ago before the latest wave.
🔹every day we would have one or two people drop by our house as they walked by or dropped something off.
🔹Sexy Neck was in the first year of his new job.
🔹I was going to the gym with my mom
🔹my mom and I took turns volunteering at CC’s preschool and JC’s kindergarten class.
🔹 I was involved with an incredible group of women who met in a book club once a month.
🔹A neighbourhood friend and I would prayerwalk together once a week.
🔹I attended an awesome Tuesday night bible study.
🔹I could walk downtown and ‘know’ at least three or four people.
🔹I loved visiting my ‘school’ friends at work.
🔹My mom would often pop into our backyard on her bike as she rode around town.
🔹We ate at least one meal per week with mom, and dad, if he was in town.
Now, I sit.
We have infrequent visitors.
A new city, school, house, neighbours, community.
Finding where to buy bread.
Yearning a life past.
Trying to find a future.
One day at a time.
The waves will come.
But I have learned that God will throw me a life preserver.
Through new and old friends.
Through His Holy Spirit all around me.