Tag Archives: death

Be Auntie Gail

April 8, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

My mom’s sister arrived yesterday to come stay with us. Every since our oldest was born, a sure sign of spring is Auntie Gail arriving at my parents for a visit. We always looking forward to seeing her.

I have especially been grateful for her immediate willingness to come jump in with our brood of boys, her contagious laughter and depth of stories. She reminds me of my mom in so many ways – her love of her children, her thought for my children, working side-by-side with Sexy Neck drying the dishes and really just being willing to come along on our wild ride.

Auntie Gail.

Deep strength.

Huge heart.

Beautiful children.

Contagious laughter.

Here is Auntie Gail enjoying her first ever Japanese food dinner.

Auntie Gail getting settled in her room. The boys ‘helped’!

Beautiful butterfly cups she passed on to me.

Auntie Gail had us all laughing our heads off as she attempted to use the walkie talkie.

Auntie Gail brought beautiful drawing pencils and paper for the boys. They all spent many hours drawing together.

Auntie Gail read Happy Pig Day to OC while we watched CC’s gymnastics.

Auntie Gail watching our youngest at gymnastics. OC loved having her to wave up to. She watched with a big smile on her face. What a gift!

She helped us have a painting play date with friends.

We enjoyed an after dinner walk to the duck pond.

Side note:
I haven’t been back to CC’s gymnastics centre since my mom died. Five days before my mom went into the hospital in December and just over two weeks before my mom died, mom insisted that dad drive her 60 kilometres down the road so that she could watch CC and OC do gymnastics.

I knew my mom was in pain. She still insisted on getting her own blue folding chair, placing it right beside the window so that she could watch her grandsons participate in class.

She was in pain. She smiled and clapped for her grandsons.

She was stooped over but she sat up straighter every time her grandsons looked over.

Resiliency.

Love beyond comprehension.

Support.

Thank you mom. Thank you for being the most selfless Nana.

Thank you dad for supporting mom’s ideas.

Thank you Gail for passing on this loving support to my boys these days.

cancer, Grief

Be a Butterfly

April 2, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

“How does one become a butterfly?

You must want to fly so much

that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

(Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers)

I am free.

Flying.

Nothing holds me back nor down.

My greatest fears are gone.

I am open.

Soaring.

Nothing can dissuade me nor discourage me.

My expectations have floated away.

I am a butterfly.

Gliding.

Nothing can change my beauty.

My imperfections are perfection.

No longer am I crawling along the ground as a caterpillar.

I am out of the mud.

I am not longer just observing.

I am free.

—————————————————————————————————–

I am not sure why butterflies have become the symbols of my mom’s journey into heaven. They were everywhere in Hospice and now on our trip to Hawaii they were hovering all around us. I have never felt closer to my mom since she has passed. I feel that in my new life here in a new town, these wings have now been fastened onto me. I float between people, having no one friend to anchor me nor move me in any one direction. I feel opportunities around every tree.

I feel inspired.

Creative.

Excited.

Anticipating.

I feel free.

Thank you mom for this great gift in your death. Thank you for taking my fears with me. Thank you for guiding us from this world into heaven. You are a true trailblazer. I love you mama.

Past blogs about butterflies: https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/be-having-something-about-butterflies/

https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/12/26/falling-snow-and-fluttering-butterflies/

https://beenough.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/be-surfing-under-rainbows-with-a-butterfly/

Family, Grief

Be Celebrating Nana’s birthday (with a birth!)

March 30, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Yesterday was my beautiful mom’s birthday. When we were away, we felt Nana’s presence and spoke about what we could do to celebrate her birthday.

As a family we decided we wanted to bake her a meringue cake. OC helped me.

Here is the recipe we used:

Our nana loved biking, so we thought a bike ride would be fun.

We ate breakfast for dinner. Breakfast was mom’s favourite meal.

We sent balloons to the heavens.

Lastly, we sang happy birthday and enjoyed Nana’s wonderful cake.

Happy birthday mom! I love you so very much. Your presence is felt more and more each day. You continue to be such a gift and a caring mom.

Heavenward.

Flying.

Sweetness.

Life.

Love.

Peace.

And glory, a new baby girl was born on my mom’s birthday. My cousin’s J and M gave birth on March 30th.

New life.

Gratitude.

Joy.

Anticipation.

Peace.

Boys, Family, Grief

Be With Boots

February 20, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Strap yourselves in.

Lie down.

Do what you need to do because boy do I have a story for you!

As I write these words I am very conscious that we each have an individual perspective on God, heaven, the meaning of life as well as life after death.

I want to be very clear where I am coming from so that you have a frame of reference for what I am choosing to write. My life is not directed by a church consciousness of God nor is my faith anything miraculous nor profound. My relationship with Jesus started in University in my childhood bedroom, alone with God answering a simple prayer: “God show me you are real.”

This simple prayer followed years of bible study, lukewarm times where I couldn’t see God at work, moments of zealously following God and now this.

This winter season living in a desert while rowing my boat in the ocean of grief. Woah!

Every present God.

Quilt maker sewing good and bad to make a beautiful quilt.

Coincidences that make me take a deep breath.

This one brought goosebumps to my arms.

A few days ago, I was sitting at the kitchen table with the three boys. When we have a quiet moment, this is when someone will usually bring up Nana.

On this day it was two year old, OC. He piped up, out of nowhere and said, “Nana with Boots!”
My ears almost fell off of my head. I immediately looked at JC, our six year old and said, “Do you know who Boots is?”
JC said, “No!”
Our four year old chimed in, “I have boots!”
I then asked OC again, “Who is Nana with?”
He said, “Boots.”
I paused then looked at the boys and told them that Boots was my childhood cat.
They looked at me wide-eyed then we went back to playing Lego.

Grief and God at His best!

Family, Grief, Uncategorized

Be Painting the Walls Orange?

February 11, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

Orange?

I am not sure where that came from. My thoughts are often strange peaceful and painful creatures I have never seen before. Apparently these creatures are currently orange.

My dad gave us this painting:

And… I decided that I wanted to paint the wall behind this picture orange.

Take a look:

(Oh ya, I am also painting the fireplace!)

Side note: my mom has painted every house that I have owned. She would come over with her own paintbrush and paint clothes. She would paint while I would keep the boys out of the paint. My mom, in her pain, painted the green cupboards in our current kitchen. I love my mom’s presence and the love she poured into our homes in more ways than one.

So…. I was feeling pretty crazy about this orange thought so I decided to text my soul friend on Saturday and she gave me this insight about orange: Orange means courage, passion, dunamis power, fire, harvest and strength.

Side note #2: (How many are you allowed in a blog?)
My insightful friend, A, gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! We lit a candle for her as we were creating our ‘Speak to me’ paintings.

But… Sexy Neck still wasn’t sure about the orange. He said, “Ask Ang!” I asked our designer friend Ang and she surprised us all with a “Go for it!” AND I DID!

Today, I started with a wall at the end of the hallway where we will put yesterday’s creations. I figured I would start small for my first wall painting endeavour. Then I moved to the big feature wall in the living room!

Orange baby!

Painting through my grief.

Better than eating!

Working it out.

Staying present.

Letting go of fears.

Throwing out expectations.

Living outside of judgement.

Painting the walls orange parrot.

Thank you Benjamin Moore.

Awesome!

Side note #3: One more coat of paint tomorrow. Finish product photos coming soon!

Side note #527 I just received a comment from from Ang Interior Design friend. (See comment below)
Guess what orange symbolizes in the design world – “Orange offers emotional strength in difficult times. It helps us to bounce back from disappointments and despair, assisting in recovery from grief.”

Yup, orange it is! Now I have to lie on the ground AGAIN. Who knew colours could make connections to my life too!

Family, Grief

Be Fragile

February 9, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Often I don’t have the words to explain the person I am morphing into or how I am doing at a given moment. As I sit and wait and watch, I am amazed by the depth of feelings I experience both good and bad.

The dreaded question for the last few months has been, “How are you?”

I never know how to answer this, but on Friday I received tremendous insight and the ideal adjective.

First, the boys received a package from our good family friend, Donna, in 100 Mile.

Coincidently, her daughter, M, who lives in KCity chose this same day to drop off a treat and a beautiful card.

In the card she wrote this:

Did you notice the word fragile? I did.

Lastly, I opened my mail later in the afternoon and had to lie on the floor once I read this beautiful card from our old PG neighbour and good friend, Ginny.

Take a look at this:

Yup, fragile again!

“How are you Joanna?”
“I feel fragile. ”

My heart breaks in two anytime someone I love gets in a car. JC’s teacher’s words at his parent-teacher conference crushed me. Any small comment hit me at the core of my being.

I cry easily and feel deeply.

I am fragile.

Today, I choose very carefully who I interact with and where I go. I treat myself gently and give grace freely. I understand that I may not be the only person in this fragile place.

I am so grateful to those people who continue to walk with our family and my dad through our grief. I am grateful how God uses those around us.

A simple card.

A word.

Fragile.

cancer, Family

Be Indiscriminate.

February 8, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

Cancer is indiscriminate.

No question.

No concern about who gets it.

I will never be able to make sense of my mom’s diagnosis and ultimate death due to cancer.

Often when I hear about famous people getting diagnosed with cancer I am apathetic about it because I think, they have money and they will be able to do more to cure their cancer or at least put the cancer into remission. Nope. Patrick Swayze, Dana Reeve (Superman’s wife), Steve Jobs (Apple guy) and Luciano Pavarotti (Opera Singer) have all died from cancer.

Indiscriminate.

Brutal.

Knocking me senseless.

cancer, Family, Grief

Be in the Beginning Stage of Grief

February 4, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

I am self-assessing that I am in the beginning stage of working through my grief.

The fog.

The midbrain.

The haze.

The denial.

I grieve my mom, our move, our old neighbours, our best friend’s move, our loss of friends. Grief is a pervasive theme right now, layer over layer.

I’m in a place where I’m constantly late. This mama, who was “teacher trained” to be on time and to follow a schedule, can’t get her child to school before the bell rings.

I can’t read. This ferocious reader can barely read a paragraph. I haven’t picked up a book in months.

Form filling has now been passed over to Sexy Neck. I used to get a rush from filling out forms. The completion. The finality. The knowing of all the answers. Now, I could care less.

I used to love to organize: people, events and thinking about special gifts to buy. Now I have no energy or need or want to organize anything or anyone or to buy a single thing.

We are living with the bare necessities and having great conversations talking about needs and wants.

Every day I wake up and wonder, What the hell happened?

It’s like a tsunami has ravaged my expectations, the sense of control and my relationship with my mom. There is debris everywhere containing everything she did with us, for us and just the huge ways she was a part of our everyday life. There are also huge chunks of debris involving my dad’s life, his retirement and their plans together. We get to see, move, feel and touch these pieces of debris every day.

It is exhausting.

Mind blowing.

Devastating.

I know that I am in denial as I can’t even talk with my mom, ponder where she is or even contemplate that I, Steve nor my children will have my mom in our lives again.

I sit in this beginning stage rowing through the waves of grief. I am going to give myself this time to do my ‘work’! As my counsellor tells me, I can do my work now or later, but I will have to go through it one day.

I am choosing each day to sit.

To ponder.

To wonder.

To cry.

To be.

Just enough, each day!

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"Be" ENOUGH