Category Archives: cancer

cancer, Grief

Be a Butterfly

April 2, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

“How does one become a butterfly?

You must want to fly so much

that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

(Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers)

I am free.

Flying.

Nothing holds me back nor down.

My greatest fears are gone.

I am open.

Soaring.

Nothing can dissuade me nor discourage me.

My expectations have floated away.

I am a butterfly.

Gliding.

Nothing can change my beauty.

My imperfections are perfection.

No longer am I crawling along the ground as a caterpillar.

I am out of the mud.

I am not longer just observing.

I am free.

—————————————————————————————————–

I am not sure why butterflies have become the symbols of my mom’s journey into heaven. They were everywhere in Hospice and now on our trip to Hawaii they were hovering all around us. I have never felt closer to my mom since she has passed. I feel that in my new life here in a new town, these wings have now been fastened onto me. I float between people, having no one friend to anchor me nor move me in any one direction. I feel opportunities around every tree.

I feel inspired.

Creative.

Excited.

Anticipating.

I feel free.

Thank you mom for this great gift in your death. Thank you for taking my fears with me. Thank you for guiding us from this world into heaven. You are a true trailblazer. I love you mama.

Past blogs about butterflies: https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/be-having-something-about-butterflies/

https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/12/26/falling-snow-and-fluttering-butterflies/

https://beenough.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/be-surfing-under-rainbows-with-a-butterfly/

cancer, Grief

Be Going to the Hospital Wall (even more painting)

March 2, 2014 Be Enough 6 Comments

We have a massive double-sided brick fireplace.

Well, we did until I started painting it white. As I covered over its dark and smoke-filled bricks with freshness, I began to think of my mom’s four hospital stays:

August 5th to 22nd
October 31st to November 3rd
November 17th to 20th
December 14-20

She spent her finally days on earth peacefully at Hospice from December 20th to 26th.

My mom had previously stayed at the hospital twice, once when she gave birth to my sister in 1971 then three years later when she gave birth to me.

This fireplace with all it’s nooks and crannies, tested my patience, bombarded me with emotions and almost made me give up. But like the hospital, my sole purpose was to keep my eye on my goal. My goal at the hospital was to get the best care for my mom and my goal for this fireplace was to get ‘er done.

I can’t say I enjoyed many moments in my mom’s last week in the hospital fighting for mom not to be moved again, fighting for pain medication and trying to enjoy my beautiful mom. I can’t say I enjoyed painting this fireplace. It took FIVE coats of paint and hundred of thousands of dab dab dab’s with the paintbrush.

I told Sexy Neck that the next time this thing needs to be painted I am going to take a sledgehammer and take it down instead.

The boys had fun attacking the fireplace with paint. It was very forgiving. They had fun!

The final product:

The newly painted double-sided fireplace.

I am afraid this painting has shown me that the fireplace may be done but my hospital journey is not.

I will wait.

I will do my work.

I will heal.

I will be back at that hospital making it better for other cancer patients.

I will.

Within God’s will.

With His help.

cancer, Grief

Be Reading a Book

February 28, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I am a voracious reader. Well, I used to be anyways. On average, before mom got sick, I would be reading four books at any one time. Usually one bible study, one non-fiction and two fiction books would be stacked on my beside table.

Last week at mom and dad’s house, I looked on mom’s book shelf beside her bed. On the top of the pile, I found this book I gave her in November which was one of the last books she read.

I picked the book because of it’s title and wintery scene. I didn’t even read the back.

I remember asking mom about it after she read it in two days flat. She said it was a good light read and that I should read it.

Today, I looked at the book summary. It’s about ‘three people at the crossroads of heartbreak and healing’. One of the characters lost her mom and no longer believes in anything. She believes her mom now speaks to her through heart-shaped rocks.

I may have to start reading again.

P.S. Sexy Neck just walked in the room and saw the book on my lap and asked, “Are you reading again?”

Me, I am still at maybe… Not sure my brain can handle it.

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Having Nothing to Give (choo choo!)

February 24, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

We are on a one way track to healing.

Chugging down the track, snotty horns a blaring into my Kleenex.

The rickety old train with its heavier than normal road.

Chugging along.

Not making a stop.

Not picking anything up.

Just chugging along.

You want to get on this train?

Observe carefully.

Run along and jump.

This train can’t stop.

It may never start again.

This train wants to hide in the shed.

But with three wee train cars on the back, there ain’t no rest.

Weekends, the big handsome steam locomotive comes along to give us a pull.

But other than that we are stuck with the dirty, coal steam engine.

Chugging.

On the track.

Teary eyes forward.

Trying hard not to fall off.

Wow, this is one big hill.

“I think I Cann, I think I Cann!”

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Removed From Life

February 17, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I am fully on my face, waiting for God to take my hand.

Guide me.

Like a blind woman.

Stumbling.

In imperfection.

With grace.

Most days, I don’t ‘know’ what to do. My ‘to-do list’ is empty. This autumn season taught me to reach for God’s cloak, this winter has taught me to wait for Him.

Listen.

One step.

One breath.

Wait.

My brain doesn’t work the way it used to. The uber-organized, relationship focused Joanna has disappeared.

Praying is difficult.
Reading onerous.
TV leaves me saddened.
Listening to others sad stories crushes me.
Hearing mundane complaints makes me want to turn and run.
Answer the question, “How are you?” boggles my brain.

Ambiguous comments and indirect speech where people don’t say what they want nor feel, is a language I can’t decode. It hurts my heart and pains my mind. I can’t make sense of this. Life seems to be pretty black and white to me at the moment.

“Will it help my family?”

“Will it help me take better care of myself?”

Sorry environmental concerns, fundraising for Africa, dust bunnies in the corners, life has collapsed in the Cann household and we are starting the rebuilding from the bottom.

Healing the people.

I am completely with my family, but completely removed from my life.

This is a Holy time.

Without fear.

With no judgement for myself or others.

With only sadness, love, desperation, laughter and rich family times all cuddled together like a beautiful rose wrapped present.

Removed from expectations, to do’s, fringe friendships, busyness.

Every night I lay in amazement at how God works everything out. How He holds me close and takes my hand. I am humbled by the people walking closely with me and how they know how to help without me saying a word. I lay in awe at the infiniteness of God and how finite He is with me.

The small things.

The whispers during my quiet days.

His presence.

Multitude of coincidences.

Grief, what a gift!

cancer, Family, Grief

Be Before and After At the Wall (orange wall)

Aside February 16, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

There is a sacred place in Jerusalem called the Wailing Wall or Western Wall. This wall is believed to have been part of the Temple of Solomon. Checkout 1 Kings 6 and 2 Chronicles 3 in the bible for more insight.

As I have been painting our living room wall orange, I have been pondering the Wailing Wall. This is a sacred place for Jews to go to pray and lament. My personal orange ‘wailing wall’ has been a place where I pray and lament.

I pray:
⭐️ May this home be a sanctuary.
⭐️ Help me Jesus!
⭐️ Lord, be enough for me this day.
⭐️ Help me ‘understand’ why I want to stuff my mouth with food.
⭐️ Lord, be with each of my boys. Be present to them.
⭐️Help me put one foot in front of another when all I want to do is lie under my duvet.

And I lament, oh how my heart grieves so many things:
💔 Our best friends moving to Vancouver Island last March.
💔 Moving from our ‘hood’ on 29th Crescent in May.
💔 Mom starting to show she is unwell in June.
💔 Saying goodbye to friends popping over and being ‘known’.
💔 Moving to a new city and neighbourhood in July.
💔 Mom being in the hospital and beginning her journey with cancer.
💔 Starting new activities and schools for the boys in September.
💔 Riding the cancer wave with mom and dad all autumn.
💔 Mom’s final hospital and hospice time in December.
💔 Mom’s death on Boxing Day.
💔 Broken relationships are finally exposed. (My sensitive soul is actually more relieved than grieving this one!)
💔 Living each day without my mom.
💔 Watching my dad, Steve and the boys grieve.
💔 Existing in a world without my mom a phone call away, without her popping by, without her listening ear, without her presence, without her hugs.

BEFORE

I pray.

I lament.

I grieve.

I choose.

To paint.

AFTER

Sanctuary.

Sanctified.

Peace.

I can survive!

I am full of gratitude for my boys!

I sit in the desert.

I wait.

I rely on my blessed friends.

I look for how God will bring me out of this.

I believe.

I rest.

I WAIT AT THE WALL.

If you need me, you know where I will be!

Boys, cancer, Family, Grief

Be Going to the Winter Carnival Parade

February 8, 2014 Be Enough 3 Comments

It was too cold to cross country ski today but it was perfect to watch the Winter Carnival Parade from our favourite Japanese Restaurant in Vtown.

OC even got his wish and saw an elephant. (No, it wasn’t real!)

CC thought he saw Nana down the street and we got to talk about Nana again when an ambulance went by.

Beautiful family morning with Papa and memories of Nana.

Here we are last year enjoying the hot air balloons.
https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/02/02/be-a-b-watcher/
We missed watching the parade with our Sharpe friends. They now live on the Island and she blogs at http://www.foodiegardeningclub.wordpress.com.

cancer, Family

Be Indiscriminate.

February 8, 2014 Be Enough 4 Comments

Cancer is indiscriminate.

No question.

No concern about who gets it.

I will never be able to make sense of my mom’s diagnosis and ultimate death due to cancer.

Often when I hear about famous people getting diagnosed with cancer I am apathetic about it because I think, they have money and they will be able to do more to cure their cancer or at least put the cancer into remission. Nope. Patrick Swayze, Dana Reeve (Superman’s wife), Steve Jobs (Apple guy) and Luciano Pavarotti (Opera Singer) have all died from cancer.

Indiscriminate.

Brutal.

Knocking me senseless.

"Be" ENOUGH

Category Archives: cancer

Be a Butterfly

Be Going to the Hospital Wall (even more painting)

Be Reading a Book

Be Having Nothing to Give (choo choo!)

Be Removed From Life

Be Before and After At the Wall (orange wall)

Be Going to the Winter Carnival Parade

Be Indiscriminate.

"Be a human BEING, not a human doing!"