As I wander through this season and through my days I see and feel roots everywhere.

I look at a tree, I can imagine its strong, gnarly roots spreading underneath the ground beneath me.

I pull out a sunflower plant, I can see its tangled, frail roots flowing freely from the bottom stem.

I find out about anger, shame, guilt, deep depression and can see the loneliness, brokenness and shattered roots within.

I know these roots.

They were my roots.

I was never enough.

I could never do enough.

(Anyone see the reason for the title of this blog?) 

I never felt enough.

Oh man, was I angry.

I was missing whole days in darkness.

I was surrounded by love, yet feeling so alone.

What did I do my friends?

How could one possibly change roots?

Deep down, buried, from your DNA and how you were created: Roots!

How are those possible to change?

Something happened FOR me.

Yup, not TO me.

FIRST, I took 100% responsibility for what was happening around me, not because I was responsible for everything, but because I was responsible to acknowledge and choose how I was going to respond.

I realized I am a powerful person who has the power to choose my actions, who I surround myself with and how I choose to react to what’s happening to me.

Simple, yet means you need to be awake.

NEXT, I started looking at the negative emotions that constantly swirled inside of me.  Those emotions that have just become a habit.  A superhighway in my brain that would only take one word or even one “tone of voice” to send me speeding down into a three car mental pileup down the other end.  I saw that the negative emotions were happening in only certain situations and with certain people.  Most of my negative emotions were linked to my expectations I was placing on the people closest to me and my inability to simply feel good about anything I was doing.

Anger.

Shame.

Guilt.

Depression.

Yup, I was rocking them all, down Highway 97.  Up and down, all day long.  Even when I didn’t want to take the road trip.  Suddenly, I would spiral down into the pileup.

NEXT, after I acknowledge where I was at, took a close look at the metaphorical branches, leaves and fruit that I had created in my life, I looked down into my roots.

What was brewing below these loud and proud negative emotions?

What did I really need to look at within myself?

What had I taken from my family of origin that no longer served me?

And glory to God alone, it became clear.

I was led to the Gottman Institute and this photo.  

When I was feeling angry, I was actually feeling something deep in my roots, which for me was actually shame.

I was feeling cornered.

Pressured.

Almost like I was being thrown off a boat.

Alone.

Helpless and scared.

Alone.

Misunderstood.

Trapped and not knowing what to do.

Alone.

My negative emotions that were speedy down that superhighway were speeding down a track that had nothing to do with where I want to go.

They were old roots.

Old stuff.

LASTLY, all I simply did to stop these mental car crashes was by creating new stuff.

I created a vision for the road that I wanted to go along.

I allowed myself to see and feel the negative emotions, but I didn’t stop there.

I looked at the roots, shook them out and started creating new habits, new patterns to grow some stronger, more positive and healthy roots.  I started hanging out more with people doing the same thing, or slightly ahead of me on their root growing. I held myself to these new habits and kept a standard for myself.

These negative roots were going to whither and die.

I had made a decision to upgrade my root system.

New habits.

New patterns.

Growing with others.

New standards.

Healthy roots.

Healthier Joanna.

Have an epic Thursday and love what you do.

xoxo Joanna