Tag Archives: grief

christmas, Grief, Jesus Christ

Be Filled with JOY

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I think many people are quite curious about me in this season of grief and remembering wrapped up with Christmas.

Curious as to my state of mind.

Wondering how I am doing.

I think I may ‘appear’ to be too happy for some people in my life.

But I am here to tell you I am not happy about many things…and my life has nothing to do with happiness right now.

For me, joy comes with or without happiness.

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It hits me no matter my daily circumstance or season.

Joy is not from me, but a gift from God.

Gratitude, love, joy!

Flooding me, pouring out, flowing in.

It is nothing I am ‘doing’.

I am just ‘being’.

Being present with the people God has surrounded me with.

Allowing my sadness to hit me.

It is one year, less one day, since my mom’s death.

One more ‘first’ to live without mom.

In my sadness, I know JOY will be coming.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10)

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Leaning into Him through my struggles.

Thanking Him for ALL I am grateful for.

Watching JOY fill this season.

Merry ‘joy-filled’ Christmas to you and yours.

Boys, Family, Parenting

Be the Power of a Penny

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This blog post was started in the summertime as I was playing a “healthy living” game with my friend Penny and an old neighbour and her friend T.  I had to add to the post after our ski vacation a few days ago… and finally introduce you to one wonderful human being and friend.  Formally know on my blog as Princess P and now just Penny.

Here is a photo of the people playing our summertime game: My teammate Penny and I on the right and our wonderful opponents on the left. 20140704-135917-50357437.jpg

Here are my boys sharing some after dinner books at Auntie Penny’s house. My boys cherish the wonderful books she had for her own children.  We love going over to their house for dinner!

20140704-135916-50356828.jpgPenny made a special point to celebrate our middle guy’s fifth birthday before she went on an European summer holiday. He was thrilled with the very special transformer and book she bought him.

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And now while they were working hard to renovate their bathrooms and get ready for their own three wonderful children’s arrival, Penny and Bob came to spend a few wonderful hours with our family on the ski hill.

Penny knew my mom always made PJ’s for my boys at Christmastime and look what she got the boys:

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One of the other gifts that my mom has always given me over the years is a knitted scarf and look what I pulled out of the Christmas bag from Penny:

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A very lovely, hand-loving-made scarf!

The depth of gratitude I feel is incredible.

When you lose someone important in your life, there is a HUGE hole.

Forever.

The greater the love, the deeper the hole.

But others will lean in and close the gap.

The hole won’t pull you in and down.

People are holding me up right now in prayer and physical presence and “knowing”.

Penny has brought us such joy through these beautiful, thoughtful, handmade gifts.

These were very important to our family.

Healing through fabric.

My mom is gone, but never forgotten.

She lives on through all of us who “knew” her.

Generous.

Thoughtful.

Caring.

Kind.

Mom.

And now the power of a Penny!

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christmas, Family, Grief

Be Going on a Ski Vacation

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We had the great privilege to spend three days and two nights up at a ski resort.  Ski in/ski out, eat in/eat out, ride up/swoosh down, sunshine/snow.  It truly was a vacation for all of us, including Papa.

A break from routine.

A diversion from the upcoming one year anniversary of mom leaving us for heaven.

A snow-filled, sun-filled, winter-activity weekend.

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Our great friends, Baron Bob and Princess P came and visited us for the evening.  The boys went tubing with them for the first time and even go to try the mini-snowmobiles (one day later, once the worker could get them started!)

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Nordic skiing down the Bridal Path where we saw snowmobiles, horse-drawn carriages and a few other skiers. IMG_7661[1]

Playing some hockey on the pond with Papa.  Everyone got into the action this year!

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Tubing… three year old OC looked a little small for the tube, but he was allowed.

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The boys were very, very excited to go on the mini-snowmobiles.  JC ran into a snow fence, CC managed to zip around him and come back around the loop.

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It was a wonderful pre-Christmas vacation!

May the Lord hold you close this Christmas where ever you are physically and within yourself.

What a wonderful season it is to celebrate Jesus’s birthday.  

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cancer, Christianity, Grief

Be Running Two Programs

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My computer has been getting awfully slow.

Painfully.

Mindnumbing.

Slow.

I sit and wait and then I realized that there was another program running behind the program that I was trying to use.

So very frustrating.

But I sit.

I slow down.

I ponder.

HEY!!!!! 

This is exactly how I feel right now.

I am running two programs.

The first program I will call, “Daily Life”.

Making lunches.

Taking the boys here and there.

Saying hello to people in the drop-off at school.

Attending Christmas concerts.

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Answering emails from friends.

Baking cookies.

Doing my work as a teacher.

Living “Daily Life”.

As Christmas approaches and the one year anniversary of the death of my beautiful Mama, I have a second program that is starting to take up more and more space in my body, soul and mind as I try to run the program “Daily Life”.

This program called “Grief” is similar to when mom first died.

It is painful.

Mindnumbing.

It is slowing me down.

I am remembering things from last year that I hadn’t before.

Conversations.

People visiting the hospital and hospice house.

I am feeling things deeply.

I am letting this “Grief” program do its thing.

As this background program runs it makes the “Daily Life” program slower, yet more meaningful.

I sit more.

I watch.

I ponder.

I have more patience.

I am kinder.

More loving.

I savour sunsets.

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I am in awe more and teary more often.

Everything tastes better.

I feel things in “Daily Life” more deeply.

My life is rich with these two programs running.

Yes, I am tired.

But, I am living deeply.

Leaning into my Lord.

My Dada God.

My Personal Saviour.

He is my rock.

The ultimate Programmer who will bring purpose to my pain.

Meaning to my mess.

Wholeness to my broken heart.

He will redeem this hole that was created when my Mama went to heaven.

I love her deeply.

I miss her dearly.

I am blessed.

I am whole with my hole and my two programs running.

Thank you “Daily Life” and “Grief”.

What programs are you running today?

Boys, christmas, Grief

Be Three Turtles by a Tree

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Life is very simple around our house these days.

Little to no shopping.

Simple meals.

Family time.

Outside play.

Inside creativity.

Sexy Neck is very busy work. The boys have many ‘special’ events at school. I continue to row my boat of grief, remembering last December’s hospital and hospice journey with my mom and her leaving this earth on Boxing Day.

We are weary and tired!

Today, on this eleventh day of December, we had three turtle doves by our tree…

I wonder when the partridge will show up in her pear tree? Who wrote the twelves day of Christmas and how did turtles get involved? I bet that children in Tupperware bins inspired the song. (And maybe a bottle of wine?)

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Simple days.

Family time.

Creative boys.

Laughter.

Inspired by a song.

And Tupperware bins.

May we all enjoy the little moments this Christmas season. Life’s BEST times are a series of little moments treasured as gifts.

What a gift we were given this evening to watch our three turtle doves!

God, Grief

Be an Across the Street Neighbour

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I am walking upright.

In my comfy clothes.

Intentional about what I do.

Who’s paths I cross.

How much time I spend running around is limited.

I am quiet inside.

My grief is fatiguing.

Day after day, tears flow easily.

The depth of deep loss.

The beauty of great love.

Today, unexpectantly, I was ‘touched’ by two neighbours: L and J from Vtown and ‘Kind K’ from our new hood.

After school, I took the boys skating to the outdoor rink by the lake. It was
more like skate/swimming as it was ten degrees out. We had a great time. We were amazed when we saw these two faces stroll by:

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Across the street neighbours.

Card sharks.

Wine lovers.

Great friends.

Dearly missed neighbours.

After skating, I walked in our front door and immediately heard a knock on the door behind me. It was our new neighbour from across the street. She brought me these:

IMG_7340.JPGShe lost her mom to cancer two years ago and she just wanted me to know she was thinking about us as we head into this Christmas season.

The power of neighbours.

The power of thought.

The power of being.

Being a neighbour, there is nothing like it!

I am grateful.

I am humbled.

I am hopeful.

Boys, christmas, God

Be Making and Doing

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After my seminar on surviving the holidays while grieving, I feel free.

I live.

Breathe.

I have.

Freedom.

To choose.

My boys and I sat down. We talked about what we love to do and make over the Christmas season. We talked about many people as well as cookies, puzzles, decorating trees, Jesus’s birthday, sledding, skating, singing and advent calendars filled with chocolate. The most interesting thing is not once was a present or gift mentioned. Not once!

IMG_7330-4.JPGOur Christmas traditions have begun in our new home, one year later than planned but with freedom to choose what we want and my mom’s traditions to carry on.

Quilted tree skirt.

Advent calendars.

Christmas music.

Decorating gingerbread.

Personalized Christmas decorations.

Lights.

Candles.

Love.

Thanks mom. You live on through your amazing thoughtfulness, incredible creativity and pure love for us all.

Joy and grief.

Interconnected.

Mixing together.

In all we make and do.