The greatest Christmas gift my mom gave me was being set adrift.

Free.

Floating.

No expectations.

In this ocean of grief.

Going neither one way or the other.

Adrift.

My mom was an incredible example of being in relationship. She was incredibly tolerant and loving.  Even when people sent cruel cards or she didn’t hear from people for months, she cried, but always picked herself up and contacted each person.   Mom made an effort to stay in contact.  She had her list.  She checked it twice.

Reaching out.

Communicating.

Loving from her heart.

Me, I am now adrift. I see clearly the flaws and one-sidedness of these relationships.  I see mom enabling unhealthy behaviour.  She was eager to please and didn’t want to ruffle any feathers, even though it meant an opportunity to share her deep feelings.  I see the pattern my mom created and the pattern I am going to stop.

Reaching in.

Going deeper.

Loving.

While set adrift in this new town, I have seen women of incredible strength in the face of grief (death, divorce, illness, hardship)  Women who are straightforward and honest, people who allow me to be me. Observing these women has been a gift for me.  They remind me of the close friends that I made during my University days.

My gift is honesty.  I know my faults.  I know when I make mistakes.   I know that my strengths are also my weakness.  I know that my mom’s patterns lie deep within me.  This need to love and not let go no matter the behaviour of the other person.

BUT.

I am learning the importance to share what I feel and what I want and if the person cannot hear me nor walk with me, then I go get it myself.

Propelled forward.

Moving on.

In love.  With love.

Destination unknown.

Watching.

Waiting.

Enjoying this season of being adrift.