If you know the coffee shop, Tim Horton’s, you will understand my pun on double double.
In the land of palm trees, pineapple and coconut peanut butter (oh ya!), we are soaking up a double double: Day two of double beach days!
Waialua Bay – Paddleboarding.
We were able to enjoy our last couple of Grandma’s spelt cookies. Yum! Perfect to go with a double double!
We are on day one of a gift we didn’t deserve. A gift that unfolded three weeks ago when an old teammate and dear friend said her house would be available while they went away. A gift that was unexpected, unexplainable but extraordinary.
A beautiful home in small town Oahu, very close to the famous North Shore surfing spots. Mountains, birds, orange staining soil, trampoline, flowers, warmth… and oh the smell.
This morning at breakfast Owen exclaimed, “Where is Nana?” I guess he thought that she would meet us in her favourite place in the world.
Mom has shown up.
Day 1 Morning – Playground Beach
Our Homestay Backyard – Climbing!
Oranges and Papayas
Covered Patio
Trampoline!!
Day 1 Afternoon – Turtle Beach
I am grateful that I often get what I don’t deserve.
The gift of life.
The presence in death.
Mom is all over this.
Thanks friends.
Thanks God.
Thank you mom for your life and leading us into death. You are amazing in the past and now in the present.
Off to smell the flowers.
The greatest Christmas gift my mom gave me was being set adrift.
Free.
Floating.
No expectations.
In this ocean of grief.
Going neither one way or the other.
Adrift.
My mom was an incredible example of being in relationship. She was incredibly tolerant and loving. Even when people sent cruel cards or she didn’t hear from people for months, she cried, but always picked herself up and contacted each person. Mom made an effort to stay in contact. She had her list. She checked it twice.
Reaching out.
Communicating.
Loving from her heart.
Me, I am now adrift. I see clearly the flaws and one-sidedness of these relationships. I see mom enabling unhealthy behaviour. She was eager to please and didn’t want to ruffle any feathers, even though it meant an opportunity to share her deep feelings. I see the pattern my mom created and the pattern I am going to stop.
Reaching in.
Going deeper.
Loving.
While set adrift in this new town, I have seen women of incredible strength in the face of grief (death, divorce, illness, hardship) Women who are straightforward and honest, people who allow me to be me. Observing these women has been a gift for me. They remind me of the close friends that I made during my University days.
My gift is honesty. I know my faults. I know when I make mistakes. I know that my strengths are also my weakness. I know that my mom’s patterns lie deep within me. This need to love and not let go no matter the behaviour of the other person.
BUT.
I am learning the importance to share what I feel and what I want and if the person cannot hear me nor walk with me, then I go get it myself.
Propelled forward.
Moving on.
In love. With love.
Destination unknown.
Watching.
Waiting.
Enjoying this season of being adrift.
Hockey in Vtown finished this afternoon. We love the coach, Z! She is the perfect balance of firm, fun and technical skills. She has continued to fuel our boys love for hockey.
We love the midweek connection we have had with papa and nana.
But frankly, I am exhausted. All of this driving, delving back and forth into my old life and how this season of our lives has unfolded.
I am happy/sad. My life is a dichotomy of mixed emotions most of the time, this is just another simple example.
OC got his first stick today:
OC is a star hanging out for two hours while his brothers skate.
JC and Papa getting the equipment on:
CC with his post-practice sweaty head:
After practice they had pizza for the players:
Letting go.
Saying goodbye.
Sitting in happiness with sadness.
He shoots.
He scores!
CC and JC on the ice together.
Goodbye winter! We celebrated our last weekend up at the hill.
Saturday was the last day of cross country ski lessons. CC was very excited about his cookie race. JC loved going down the jungle trail and playing in the trees with his friend, K.
Sunday, OC and I hit the cross country trails again. The big boys strapped on their downhill skis and hit some trails. CC went on the chairlift for the first time. The boys loved the Peanut Trail.
I think my boys will choose to take the ‘road less travelled’.
Ash Wednesday was the beginning of the lent season. Lent is the forty days leading up until Easter. I love this season of lent, pondering and preparing for the meaning of Easter.
In the past we have chosen to give up coffee, sugar, or goodies, but this year I decided to add something instead of deprivation.
In the quiet of each morning, I am reading Brad and Eden Jersak’s book to listen to and learn more from our wondrous Abba Father, God.
This is a precious book where the husband Brad Jersak asks a question of God then his wife Eden shares her conversation with how God answers the question.
I have chosen this spot looking at the orange wall to be still each morning.
Each morning I read a short explanation about a question I could ask God, then I spend time with God hearing what He wants to tell me.
Quiet.
Still.
Being.
With.
God.
In my family of origin, there have been expectations on how to do things. In most cases, ‘Get er done!’ runs supreme. The quicker the better.
Recently the debate has been on about how to finish off our kitchen. I want to leave the cupboards open. I love my jars. People outside my family of boys have strong feelings that the kitchen crap should be hidden away behind a door.
In our household, we have two distinct ways to lode our dishwasher. One of us likes to rinse and stack before putting them in the dishwasher. The other likes to throw em in and ‘Get er done!’. Guess who did this wonderful stacking?
Is there a right or a wrong way? Really there isn’t.
Next CC and I have had a puzzling week. He is a four year old on fire for puzzles. But I noticed something curious. In my family of origin, we always flipped all the pieces over then did the outside edge first. CC always started by putting the pictures and similar colours first and would even flip over pieces as he went.
Is he doing it wrong? Someone might correct him. Not me! I love allowing my children the opportunity to listen to their own ways to do things.
Today in my anger, I had a breakthrough.
In this Post-Industrial Age where we don’t need to be perfect doing the same task over and over and over. I want to experience more freedom on how to ‘Get er done!’ while being cast adrift on my boat of grief.
In light of my letting go of this mentality of having one way to do crap, I think of John Travolta who mispronounced Indina Menzel’s name on the Oscar’s. I heard on the radio the opinion that he shouldn’t have introduced anyone if he couldn’t do it perfectly. Really? Who can judge perfection these days and who hasn’t made a mistake? We are teetering on a fine line when we expect perfection from our families, people around us and celebrities. Let’s stop hiding and realize there is more than one way to do most crap.
I am grateful for good old John for ‘Staying Alive’. Not only did he show his humanness, he introduced me to my new theme song: Let It Go.
Let it go.
The wind is howling.
I couldn’t let it go.
Heavens know I tried.
To be a good girl.
Distance.
Smallness.
No fears.
No right.
No wrong.
No rules.
I AM FREE!
The perfect girl is gone.
The storm still rages.
But I stand.
The cold has never bothered my anyways.
(Song lyrics from the movie Frozen, thank you Disney for letting me paraphrase).
My truth.
My way.
My anger.
Turned to letting go.
Let the storm rage on.
In my grief, I am learning to hold captive to every moment. As winter comes to a close here, I decided to take the boys for one more skate on the outdoor rink.
JC and CC loved racing and playing tag. OC took his first tentative steps on his ‘cheese cutter’ skates.
We all had a blast.
Yup, those are boats in the background. We are skating right beside the lake.
CC with a full mask of snow courtesy of his big brother.
I laughed.
I raced.
I am still faster for one more year!
"Be" ENOUGH 