Tag Archives: mom

Be Eating Nana Jam

July 23, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

Each day my boys talk about their beloved Nana and share their sadness deeply and quickly. They are wonderful teachers on how to sit in your grief.

We have many reminders about mom.

Yesterday, we saw a bike that looked just like Nana’s.

Tonight, Jackson read the label on his quilt my mom made when he was two.

Today, we rested on our Nana Cabana beside the pool.

At lunch, we ate Nana jam. Lovingly handmade last year in July, while mom was in pain but we still had no idea what was coming. Careful labelled and left for us to enjoy.

Perfect with homemade spelt baking powder biscuits. OC was my helper.

Beautiful memories.

Delicious jam.

Great gifts.

Pure love.

Heartfelt joy.

Pure sadness.

Sweet strawberry jam.

Thanks mom!

I love you!

cancer, Family, writing

Be Saying ‘Thank You’ to my Mom’s CFUW friends

July 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

I have talked before about my salty people. As my mom and dad journeyed through cancer, I got to see first hand the saltiness of their friends.

Yesterday, I was fortunate to help my dad host a group of my mom’s favourite people at their house overlooking the lake.

All of these women belong to the CFUW. (Canadian Federation of University Women)

Mom moved full time to Vtown when JC, our oldest, was three months old in July of 2007. Over the years as mom and I talked about all the amazing people she was meeting hiking, biking, quilting, volunteering or even her next door neighbour, mom always expressed “oh she’s in CFUW too!” They are everywhere.

“Where are Nana’s friends?”

I have taken up riding my bike very early in the morning. For those who know me well, you are probably lying on the floor laughing or passed out, as you know I not a morning person nor much of a long distance bike rider. I feel close to my mom in the quiet mornings as the pedals crank and hear the birds. I also love seeing who is out and about as well as exploring this new city. Earlier this week, I chose a random street along the lake and you will never guess what I saw. A sign stating:

The CFUW are everywhere, even taking care of a street along the lake.

During my mom’s cancer journey, her CFUW friends were everywhere. They provided food delivered to hospice for our family, picked up boxes of books to be donated, just because I asked. They provided close conversation and space for mom to be herself. They brought pictures to uplift and stories to comfort. This group of women did everything they could for my family and especially my dear mom.

At the Vancouver Peace Summit in 2009, the Dalai Lama foretold that Western women will save the world. After watching my mom’s CFUW friends, I believe him.

With gratitude,

For all the gifts,

Giving freely and lovingly,

Over the course of this last year!

To a group of women,

Who gave these gifts,

Of themselves, through themselves,

Independently and collectively,

Thank you from the bottom of my family’s hearts and stomachs!

Goals, Parenting, writing

Be at the Beginning (my 501st post!)

July 10, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

Folks… How did I write 500 posts? Here is my 150th post! I wrote it almost a year ago. So, if I do the math correctly, in the last 365 days (which equals one year), I have written just shy of one post per day. Sexy Neck, am I right? Is this possible?

As I sit and write this five hundred and first post, where am I?

I am at the beginning.

The start.

Fresh.

New.

Beginning.

Each day I fully embrace. I feel more alive with deep emotion than I have ever felt.

Life is not about living in Disneyland, but enjoying those Disneyland moment. The exciting rides, the yummy sweet food, the cleanliness and friendly people.

Life is not about running from sadness, grief and hard times, but sitting in it. Living through it. Feeling deeply. The tears, the anguish, the copious amounts of laundry and people who will never make sense.

Life is about a beautiful woven quilt like my mom used to make. The light and dark fabrics making a beautiful pattern.

Life is about forgiving and starting fresh each day. The sun and the moon providing guideposts to help us do this.

Life is about surrounding myself with healthy people who may not understand me but honour me for who I am. People make a difference in my life, both positively and detrimentally. I am a relationship person. They are important to me.

Life is about being positive and focusing on my strengths. I could ‘work on’ all my negative attributes for the rest of my life and not move one mile, but I can continue to concentrate on my gifts and talents and hit the stars. Don’t we all find it easy to do what we love? Imagine if we chose to live this way each day?

Life is about beginnings. Learning to paddle board at sixty-seven years old. Going on a Tour de France Training Camp in Mallorca at age seventy. Being the very best Nana, mom, wife, aunt, sister and friend each day.

Thank you mom for teaching me about beginnings… And for being my guide through the ultimate of beginnings here on earth as a human being, death.

And now I ponder my own beginnings: starting a business, going back to school, new stages with my boys, fitness, health, volunteering, new activities, new friends and new starts with old ones.

Anticipation.

Excitement.

Pondering.

New.

Beginnings.

Grief, writing

Be Reading Beth Moore ‘Breaking Free’

June 27, 2014 Be Enough 2 Comments

I took this book off the shelf this week.

I put it on the back of the toilet seat to open when I had a quiet moment while I lock myself in the bathroom.

Then I opened the book to this page:

These last few weeks I have been in a dark tomb of anger, fatigue, sadness and again wondering how to live this new life in the light without my mom. I have many words tumbling in my head, most not rated G. I am thinking thoughts I have never thought and experiencing deep emotions on both ends of the spectrum.

I feel sadness that knocks me over as I watch mothers with their mothers. I cannot move but just stare when I see the grandmas picking up their grandchildren, filled with joy, from preschool. I want my mom by my side on my bike. I desire her steady presence and insight into my life.

I weep.

I don’t know what the next moment will bring, but my heart is full of gratitude for the gift of Beth Moore, books, my ability to read and God weaving everything together.

Holding on.

Tight.

Sitting in my grief.

Damn, it’s hard.

Knowing this will not overcome me.

Trusting.

Being grateful for the life I have.

In Christ alone.

Boys, painting

Be Saying Adiós to Diapers

June 9, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

Have you ever made a commitment to do something every day, many times per day for SEVEN years?

I didn’t, but it happened. How, I don’t really know.

I have changed diapers for exactly 7 years, 2 months, and 3 days starting on Friday, April 6th, 2007 and finishing up my diaper changing career yesterday, on Monday, June 9th, 2014.

I have had my fair share of help, Sexy Neck, my mom, random visitors and even my dad have lent a hand.

I think I need a certificate on my wall to mark this day, that’s a lot of bum and crevice wiping as well as money. We probably spent around sixty bucks per month on diapers. Math is not my strong suit, but we spent over NINE THOUSAND dollars on diapers. Woah! (Side note: Sexy Neck, the Math teacher, has informed me that it is more like $5,200, but still a lot of money. Thanks for reading the blog honey and for correcting my Math. We can thank Mr. Crampton for my confused Math skills.)

We are very excited to be starting our diaper-free life.

OC has been ready for many months but after our trip up north and seeing baby G in diapers, the deal was sealed. The diapers disappeared all together. Bye bye diapers. Now the trip training, high fives, floor cleaning, extra laundry and loud cheers ensues for the next few weeks while OC masters the skill of going in the toilet or on the pee tree.

* Just a note about what is ‘trip training’ for all my new mommy friends. The best thing is that you don’t have lengthy discussions or ask multiple times per day, “Do you have to go potty?”. I take OC to the potty at regular times, when I go or the brothers go or before we leave the house. We take a trip to the potty, no questions asked. No screaming or crying for anyone and no special rewards. Just us and our books relaxing on the toilet.

Here are our favourite potty books and OC in ‘action’! We laugh and laugh and laugh about Liam’s poo in the toilet. We relax and read and take deep breathes et viola. Poop in the potty.

What a cute little tush!

Independence.

Positive potty excitement.

Wiping bums.

Washing hands.

Cheering brothers.

One very happy mama.

Freedom.

For all.

God, Grief

Be Painting the Door Blue

June 2, 2014 Be Enough 1 Comment

Last week, I had white paint on my arm and a family friend that I don’t see very often asked, “Are you still painting?” Yes, last week it was a white shelf for our basement. This week it was our front door.

I paint when the boys nap or in the evening when they are asleep. I find these ‘down times’ are the hardest times to negotiate without my mom’s presence. The memories and sense of loss come often and quickly these last weeks.

I am still in the boat on the ocean of grief. The waves have been still and the sun on my face, but on the horizon I sense a storm brewing. One year ago was when I first started noticing mom wasn’t well. Last June, we were living with mom and dad as we renovated our house. They went to VCity to help my sister. They had a night away at The Hill spa, but all was not well with mom. She thought she had a bladder infection, but how could we know the path that we were heading down…

So I paint.

I ponder.

I remember.

I keep moving.

Living.

Trying to make sense of a senseless time.

Holding tight to my faith.

My brush.

My day.

One step at a time.

When we lived in Vtown, we had a great intentional friend and neighbour who was very present in our daily lives. Here she is:

Lizzie in her backyard with the boys.

She has the most beautiful blue door. It is stunning with a handmade stained glass window:

I decided our front door needed a pick me up colour. Blue it is!

Before I painted the door I drew hearts for our family and every visitor that comes through the ‘threshold’ wishing us all the fruit of God’s spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Kindness.

Goodness.

Faithfulness.

Self-control.

I pray that all these qualities roll over and through each of us this day no matter the colour of our door.

Goals, God, Grief, painting

Be Painting with Small Brushes

May 17, 2014 Be Enough 3 Comments

The walls and kitchen cupboards (photos to come!) of our home are painted.

The outside will have to wait til warmer, more consistent weather.

Time to pick up the small brushes and paints Sexy Neck and the boys bought me for my birthday.

I was out for a sunset walk

and was inspired by these three trees:

They reminded me of my three handsome boys.

I got home, picked up my brushes, started playing with paint colour and off I went.

I thought about my wonderful boys.

I poured out love and joy through the paint.

I felt peace and happiness flowing through me.

I created this with my heart and soul.

Small triumphs.

Being creative.

Soul care.

Letting go.

Laughing that this Type A jock is painting… and loving it.

Freedom.

To be.

Me.

Boys, Family, Grief

Be Letting Go (Happy Mother’s Day)

May 12, 2014 Be Enough Leave a comment

My grip is loosening.

My expectations changing.

I feel deeply.

The pain is an open wound.

I see with wise eyes.

I know myself more.

My hands are open.

My heart is free.

Free to love.

Free to let go.

Freedom is my daily journey.

The chains are broken.

Nothing holds me back.

Letting go of expectations.

Free to be me.

(12.05.2014)

—————————————–//————
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My eighth Mother’s Day as a mom and the first Mother’s Day without my mom. I had many people write that they were thinking of me. I think a few were concerned.

I had a beautiful day! We spent the whole day in the yard, I painted outside, we ate together, we talked about mom and yes, we felt pain. Love overflowed through my boys, our peaceful home and the thoughts from my friends.

This open wound that was birthed when mom got sick will be open for who knows how long. BUT rejoice, I am not suffering. Each day I choose to sit and deal with my pain, my wound, my hole, the waves crashing onto me. This pain is in no way producing anger nor worry. This pain is not producing suffering which can lead to addictions, anger, resentment, wrath or …. During these days, I feel incredible peace and freedom all mixed up with incredible sadness. I feel freedom to live without excuses, with no expectations and without ‘doing’ a whole lot.

Here is this Mother’s Day in photos:

Thoughtful gift from my friend, D!

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31

"Be" ENOUGH