Tag Archives: cancer

Be Eating Gummy Bear Soup

October 18, 2013 Be Enough Leave a comment

Whenever change occurs we have an opportunity to go with it or rebel against it.
For some strange reason I enjoy change and look forward to seeing what will unfold. I do grieve and grumble some losses deeply but most I can see the good and keep on moving. Like the autumn leaves, I embrace the change of seasons.

Since my mom has been healing from cancer, she has been provided with a variety of food and drink that do not normally adorn her refrigerator. You are probably wondering how this affects me.

One of the changes that has occurred for me is that I have become the next stop for these interesting food and drink. My parents don’t like throwing things away.

I hadn’t realized how my own refrigerator contents have changed post-cancer diagnosis until today.

I pulled out a plastic container given to me from my dad and opened the lid. Our four year old guy was standing beside me and started to jump up and down. He then exclaimed, “Mom, look gummy bear soup!”

I responded, “Yup, sure looks like it!” (And probably had as much sugar!).

The gelatin wasn’t a hit for lunch, even though we called it gummy bear soup.

Now can someone please tell me what to do with my pomegranate juice, pure cranberry juice, prune juice and coconut water. These aren’t big sellers in our household of water drinkers.

Boys, cancer, Christianity, Family, Parenting

Be Living In Godly Isolation

October 9, 2013 Be Enough 2 Comments

I stand.

On my own.

I wait.

For someone to say something.

For someone to smile, to notice, to see this shattered human among them.

I stand.

In the unknown.

I wait.

For someone to tell me something.

For someone to tell me it will be okay, mom will be healed and I will have my best friend back.

I stand.

Not knowing.

I wait.

For someone to show me something.

For someone to show me why I am living here in isolation with my boys, away from my parents, from my support, from the place I am ‘known’.

I stand.

I understand.

I wait for no one.

No human can answer my questions.

No one can be enough, no one can help me comprehend or bring me moment-by-moment comfort.

I stand.

I am not alone.

I wait.

God is my strength.
My Someone.
My everlasting peace and joy.
My understanding.
My known.
He is more than enough in my isolation from family and friends.
Thank you Jesus.

Boys, cancer, Family

Be Turning a Corner

October 6, 2013 Be Enough 3 Comments

Mom has officially turned a corner. No more pain/nausea. She is getting out and about. She came for a short visit today. She is eating and drinking. It truly is the little things in life! October 31st is mom’s surgery date.

Oh ya, I also have something to share. When you ‘turn the corner’ into our dining room/kitchen, look at this great hat rack we put up from Ikea:

I love this simple rack! It holds all the boys knapsacks. There are cubbies for them to put their home reading/crafts in. We have even been using the top to keep our precious Lego creations safe.

I just love turning a corner!

Sidenote:
I am not sure if anyone feels schizophrenic about this post or not, but it definitely shed some light for me. I was writing about my mom turning a corner which led me to thinking about our new rack around the corner.

Every day, I live in the reality of my mom’s journey through cancer. Every day I struggle to ‘feel’ anything but sadness and loss. It is the little things like this silly backpack rack that keep my chin up and my feet moving forward.

Everything else (mom’s cancer, this move, some relationships, new neighbours) I can’t put into an “organized box”!

Thank God for God. I’m holding tightly my Lord!

Boys, Christianity, Family, health & fitness

Be ‘Moving’ Backwards to go Forward

October 3, 2013 Be Enough Leave a comment

My counsellor has been working with me to let go of the Western ideal that we move from point A to point B never to return to ‘old stuff’.

When I continue to go over this old ground in my mind, I feel like a failure, I feel shame and I feel mad.

My inner dialogue goes something like this:
“What this again? Seriously Joanna. Are you really going to have this same conversation again? Are we really going down this path? How could this happen again?”

Thanks to my counsellor, I have shifted this A to B mentally to be more of a deepening spiral. Like a tornado funnel.

Oh I like this analogy because sometimes I have me some wind blowing around me!

Yes, I am going to go over the same road again but I am going to be in a different place on my path, a deeper place. (I am almost 40 you know!).

Last night, was a huge mental shift downward into my deepening spiral.

For weeks I have looked for a once per week hockey program that we could do in Ktown. Do you think I could find one? Nope! Minor hockey, that wants to devour families lives with their three times per week practices/games, is the show in this town.

Sooo….
We decided to take JC out of Grade One forty-five minutes early and drive the boys sixty kilometres back to the town we just moved from so that the boys could play hockey.

They are back at the rink they know.

CC has the same coach he had last year.
Papa was on the ice with CC.
JC got to move up a level.
He gets his own jersey this year.
I get to see old friends each week.
AND THE VERY BEST PART, NANA CAME TO WATCH. Can you see me up and jumping around?

It was amazing night of going backwards. JC’s teacher was supportive of our idea, dad laced up his skates and even went for a morning skate to get ready, lastly mom looked me square in the eyes and said, “I am really glad that you are coming here for hockey!”

Anything for you Mama! Now if only I could meet your request for a new body!

JC waiting to give his brother a high five before his turn on the ice.

Papa and CC working together.

OC watching the action.

Nana is on the right in the toque.

Sometimes you need to go backwards to move forward. Lesson learned. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper.

Boys, cancer, Family

Be Playing Living Room Frisbee.

September 30, 2013 Be Enough Leave a comment

We enjoyed a wonderful hour with Nana and Papa today. Nana has started to eat and drink a bit. Papa enjoyed an afternoon with M working in the garden.

The big boys made a love message in a bottle for Nana. They were so excited to give them to her.

JC enjoyed showing Nana his schoolwork.

OC loved making his cow noises and laughing for Nana.

CC was very gentle and focused while playing living room frisbee with Nana. It was especially sweet when CC said to Nana, “Good one Nan!”

cancer, Family

Be Out Of Your Mind

September 28, 2013 Be Enough Leave a comment

In this intellectual age where we stick six year olds behind desks to ‘school’ them, where most people work in dreary incandescent lit offices and we eat fast food because it is fast and easy.

Today, I throw out a direct challenge – BE OUT OF YOUR MIND!

Tonight, my mind fights for every ounce of sense to understand what my mom is going through. But instead, I choose to FEEL deeply as her body heaves and moves. I choose to hold her close and just be present.

Tonight, my mom fights to think of any food that will soothe her weary GI tract. I choose to be OPEN and not push. I let go and allow her space to listen to her body.

Tonight, as we think the cool north wind is threatening of snow, we FIGHT the cold together. Mom hunkered down under a beautiful quilt warmed up in the dryer and a warm cloth comforting her numb feet.

Tonight, I choose to STAY close even if the smell and sounds make my mind want to flee.
I choose to be.
To pray.
To listen.
To be God’s servant.
To serve the woman who birthed me, who loves me unconditionally and who wiped my vomit stained mouth many times.

Tonight, I AM where I am.
Out. of. my. mind.
Some things do NOT make sense. Don’t even try!
*this might take longer than five minutes.

cancer, Family, Jesus Christ

Be Climbing Your Mountain

September 27, 2013 Be Enough Leave a comment

Mom is climbing a huge mountain this week. This is probably one comparable to her first week in the hospital. We are at the very least in the same formidable mountain range. We are hoping to head down into the valley for a rest soon. Soon. When? No one knows.

This mountain involves nausea (oh how she hates getting sick!), pain in her lower abdomen, inability to eat or drink much. Mom went in on Wednesday to the cancer clinic to get a couple of bags of IV fluid.

Mom is now in the hospital again, hopefully just for the day. She is getting great treatment in the ER – more fluids and good ol’ morphine.

Update: mom went home at 4pm after two bags of fluid. Still nauseous though.

Climb your own mountain today. You can do it one step at a time. Trust God. Look for Him. He loves us all.

Here’s my new favourite mountain in Ktown and my peeps who have made the trek up in the last few weeks.