Category Archives: Family

Family, Grief, Uncategorized

Be Painting the Walls Orange?

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Orange?

I am not sure where that came from. My thoughts are often strange peaceful and painful creatures I have never seen before. Apparently these creatures are currently orange.

My dad gave us this painting:

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And… I decided that I wanted to paint the wall behind this picture orange.

Take a look:

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(Oh ya, I am also painting the fireplace!)

Side note: my mom has painted every house that I have owned. She would come over with her own paintbrush and paint clothes. She would paint while I would keep the boys out of the paint. My mom, in her pain, painted the green cupboards in our current kitchen. I love my mom’s presence and the love she poured into our homes in more ways than one.

So…. I was feeling pretty crazy about this orange thought so I decided to text my soul friend on Saturday and she gave me this insight about orange: Orange means courage, passion, dunamis power, fire, harvest and strength.

Side note #2: (How many are you allowed in a blog?)
My insightful friend, A, gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! We lit a candle for her as we were creating our ‘Speak to me’ paintings.

But… Sexy Neck still wasn’t sure about the orange. He said, “Ask Ang!” I asked our designer friend Ang and she surprised us all with a “Go for it!” AND I DID!

Today, I started with a wall at the end of the hallway where we will put yesterday’s creations. I figured I would start small for my first wall painting endeavour. Then I moved to the big feature wall in the living room!

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Orange baby!

Painting through my grief.

Better than eating!

Working it out.

Staying present.

Letting go of fears.

Throwing out expectations.

Living outside of judgement.

Painting the walls orange parrot.

Thank you Benjamin Moore.

Awesome!

Side note #3: One more coat of paint tomorrow. Finish product photos coming soon!

Side note #527 I just received a comment from from Ang Interior Design friend. (See comment below)
Guess what orange symbolizes in the design world – “Orange offers emotional strength in difficult times. It helps us to bounce back from disappointments and despair, assisting in recovery from grief.”

Yup, orange it is! Now I have to lie on the ground AGAIN. Who knew colours could make connections to my life too!

Family, Grief

Be Fragile

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Often I don’t have the words to explain the person I am morphing into or how I am doing at a given moment. As I sit and wait and watch, I am amazed by the depth of feelings I experience both good and bad.

The dreaded question for the last few months has been, “How are you?”

I never know how to answer this, but on Friday I received tremendous insight and the ideal adjective.

First, the boys received a package from our good family friend, Donna, in 100 Mile.

Coincidently, her daughter, M, who lives in KCity chose this same day to drop off a treat and a beautiful card.

In the card she wrote this:

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Did you notice the word fragile? I did.

Lastly, I opened my mail later in the afternoon and had to lie on the floor once I read this beautiful card from our old PG neighbour and good friend, Ginny.

Take a look at this:

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Yup, fragile again!

“How are you Joanna?”
“I feel fragile. ”

My heart breaks in two anytime someone I love gets in a car. JC’s teacher’s words at his parent-teacher conference crushed me. Any small comment hit me at the core of my being.

I cry easily and feel deeply.

I am fragile.

Today, I choose very carefully who I interact with and where I go. I treat myself gently and give grace freely. I understand that I may not be the only person in this fragile place.

I am so grateful to those people who continue to walk with our family and my dad through our grief. I am grateful how God uses those around us.

A simple card.

A word.

Fragile.

Boys, cancer, Family, Grief

Be Going to the Winter Carnival Parade

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It was too cold to cross country ski today but it was perfect to watch the Winter Carnival Parade from our favourite Japanese Restaurant in Vtown.

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OC even got his wish and saw an elephant. (No, it wasn’t real!)

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CC thought he saw Nana down the street and we got to talk about Nana again when an ambulance went by.

20140208-135946.jpgBeautiful family morning with Papa and memories of Nana.

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Here we are last year enjoying the hot air balloons.
https://beenough.wordpress.com/2013/02/02/be-a-b-watcher/
We missed watching the parade with our Sharpe friends. They now live on the Island and she blogs at http://www.foodiegardeningclub.wordpress.com.

cancer, Family

Be Indiscriminate.

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Cancer is indiscriminate.

No question.

No concern about who gets it.

I will never be able to make sense of my mom’s diagnosis and ultimate death due to cancer.

Often when I hear about famous people getting diagnosed with cancer I am apathetic about it because I think, they have money and they will be able to do more to cure their cancer or at least put the cancer into remission. Nope. Patrick Swayze, Dana Reeve (Superman’s wife), Steve Jobs (Apple guy) and Luciano Pavarotti (Opera Singer) have all died from cancer.

Indiscriminate.

Brutal.

Knocking me senseless.

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Boys, Family

Be Marrying Your Mommy

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Sweet moments with our middle guy.

CC video:

Who are you going to Marry?

I have already been praying for my boys’ partners. I feel that who you chose to marry is one of the biggest decisions a person can make.

I chose one pair of my mom’s ear rings for each of their partners. I pray that they can feel mom’s love, kindness, thoughtfulness and adventurous spirit.

Lots of interesting conversations here as we row our boats of grief together.

It is a beautiful, rich family time.

cancer, Family, Grief

Be in the Beginning Stage of Grief

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I am self-assessing that I am in the beginning stage of working through my grief.

The fog.

The midbrain.

The haze.

The denial.

I grieve my mom, our move, our old neighbours, our best friend’s move, our loss of friends. Grief is a pervasive theme right now, layer over layer.

I’m in a place where I’m constantly late. This mama, who was “teacher trained” to be on time and to follow a schedule, can’t get her child to school before the bell rings.

I can’t read. This ferocious reader can barely read a paragraph. I haven’t picked up a book in months.

Form filling has now been passed over to Sexy Neck. I used to get a rush from filling out forms. The completion. The finality. The knowing of all the answers. Now, I could care less.

I used to love to organize: people, events and thinking about special gifts to buy. Now I have no energy or need or want to organize anything or anyone or to buy a single thing.

We are living with the bare necessities and having great conversations talking about needs and wants.

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Every day I wake up and wonder, What the hell happened?

It’s like a tsunami has ravaged my expectations, the sense of control and my relationship with my mom. There is debris everywhere containing everything she did with us, for us and just the huge ways she was a part of our everyday life. There are also huge chunks of debris involving my dad’s life, his retirement and their plans together. We get to see, move, feel and touch these pieces of debris every day.

It is exhausting.

Mind blowing.

Devastating.

I know that I am in denial as I can’t even talk with my mom, ponder where she is or even contemplate that I, Steve nor my children will have my mom in our lives again.

I sit in this beginning stage rowing through the waves of grief. I am going to give myself this time to do my ‘work’! As my counsellor tells me, I can do my work now or later, but I will have to go through it one day.

I am choosing each day to sit.

To ponder.

To wonder.

To cry.

To be.

Just enough, each day!

cancer, Family, Grief, Parenting

Be Having A Significantly ‘New’ Normal Day

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I have had an incredibly encouraging and heartfelt day with many new ‘God’ moments. I am full of gratitude. I feel ready to come back to the blogging world to reach out and share this journey once again.

God has been revealin Himself to me through lying down, rest, coincidences, nature (especially sunsets), His word, music, memories and now through simple everyday living.

He is alive.

I am back!

Renewed and new.

Hurting and humble.

Grateful.

🌀 Last night, I had my first dream about my mom. She told me she was going to travel around the world with her friend Sherry and my dad’s friend Oscar. (No idea why these two friends came up… but I have incomplete understanding of many things these days.)

🌀 A friend, A, sent me this book:

20140203-150103.jpg(Note the butterfly on the cover. A gift from God just for our family?)

🌀 I saw a friend’s daughter walking down the road. Another great gift as I am mourning never seeing my people from Vtown on a daily basis.

🌀 CC decided to take his Nana toque out if the bag that I gave out on December 21st.

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🌀 A new friend shared that her close friend’s two year old son died in his sleep. I cried with her and was able to recommend some good grief books.

🌀 For the first time, I noticed that a card that my friends sent from Vtown had butterflies all over it. Butterflies have become very significant for our family around my mom’s death.

20140203-191523.jpgThe card has been sitting above my sink but I hadn’t even noticed the butterflies.

🌀 God gave me this word from a bible study I have been doing:

“Forget about what’s happened. Don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand new. It’s bursting out, don’t you see it?”(Isaiah 43:18-19)

🌀 I have finally decided to open the Christmas gift my mom bought for me, wrapped for me and wrote a tag on all while enduring cancer. I am full of gratitude.

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I feel newness in my journey. I sense God has given me new eyes to see with my heart. I feel a deepening. I wonder what all of this newness will entail.

Wallpaper.

Words.

Helping cancer patients.

Holidays.

A new policy for doctors.

My people.