You would think after the milestones of the “magic” one year mark without mom that the raw, ache feeling would float away into the abyss.

“Poof”

But apparently grief doesn’t work that way, at least for me.

I live in a world where I am surrounded by three growing boys, married to a man and trying to re-organize a new relationship with my dad in my brain.

My mom was a force:  A balancing point in my male-dominated world.

Here she is in green and black skiing a few years ago with my sister, in purple.

My mom was the idea person.  The peacemaker.  She was the one who would help me pull the chariot, with the boys in it, when we were out cross country skiing.  Mom was full of gratitude for all the people who surrounded her. Mom was a provider of amazing food and had the best laugh!  Mom was a planner and organizer.  If you asked her to do something, you could count on her ONE HUNDRED percent of the time.

How does one move beyond this loving, vibrant relationship into NOTHINGNESS?

What does “moving on” look and feel like?

How do you just “get over it”?

You cry.

You feel really, really sad and lonely, mad and grateful, full of gratitude and overcome with grief.

And then you receive a wonderful poem from a friend and you know you, at least, aren’t alone.

Thanks Shell for sharing these words: (author unknown)

It wasn’t lost on any of us that we drove through Vtown at the exact hour one year to the day when mom moved from the hospital to hospice house. This was another one of those coincidences, or was it?

CC remembered that Nana was riding with me in a green ambulance.

Sexy Neck reminded us that when arrived at hospice house and Mom wheeled out the back of the ambulance, she waved at Papa and the boys waiting at the front entrance.

I remembered that as Mama was wheeled out of the ambulance, snow was falling onto her beautiful face.  It was a magical moment for mom and I as we looked at each other.

I remember the anticipation of my cousin’s arrival from Spain and PG as well as my sister and family arriving from a holiday in Australia.

I remember being so happy because mom really wanted to go to hospice.

On this day as the snow fell down on my face and the clouds held me close and brought me comfort.  

I felt great gratitude for what unfolded one year ago.  It was not an easy journey in the hospital, but hospice house helped us send mom into eternity without pain and with all of us being able to surround her.

There is a sense of entitlement that is pervasive in our Western World.

“I deserve _____________________!”

There is a sense of entitlement that runs in my mind.

“I deserve this cookie/bag of chips/mouthful of nuts because I worked hard today/am tired/or just because I simply deserve it!”

“I was kind to this person.  I deserve to be treated nicely back.”

“My mom was a good person.  She deserved better, humane treatment in the hospital.”

“My dad doesn’t deserve to die right now.”

“I did this and that and this and that.  I deserve SHIT!”

I have never gotten what I deserve.

From the crap that I choose to put into my mouth, my body still manages to be healthy and function beautifully.

To the words I have thought and said about people, people have shown forgiveness and God has given me grace.

And to the many, many, many times that I have made rash decisions to do one thing or another, God has protected me from myself.

Yup, I definitely have lost my sense of entitlement over the last year.

I especially didn’t deserves this last week we had as a family!

Live concert with two great friends and Sarah McLachlan.

Yes, we had front row seats!

Before the concert, we managed to get front row seats at a restaurant overlooking the lake.

Our boys both were invited to birthday parties with a lovely family we met last year.

We played tennis as a family, with everyone getting a whack at the ball.

We drove mini cars at a Halloween festival.  Do you know any boy that doesn’t love mini cars?  My heart overflowed with joy watching them.

One of the boys liked going off the road and bumping into the curb.  Can you guess who?

Now, this morning, I was fortunate to spend time in Vernon with my dad, doing something that he loves.  I don’t deserve this gift of time with him after he suffered a roll-over car accident last week.  (Glory to God! He is completely fine!  The truck is a write-off though!)

Entitlement.

Gone.

Deserving attitude.

Thrown out.

Filled with gratitude.

Enjoyment.

Freedom.

Owing nothing.

Nothing owed.

God’s provision.

God’s grace.

God’s power.

One. Day. At. A. Time.